Is it wrong to deal with someone you’re seeing until something better comes along?
I’m feeling a little hypocritical even thinking this especially after having enlightened myself on “Choosing a Life Partner”. Dealing with a man who isn’t my first choice is a little tricky and I’ve realized, this could be reciprocal – I may not be his first choice either.
Before you judge me, let me explain and I’d also ask that you think back to your past dealings with a man or woman. Can you honestly say you have never done, being involved with someone or dating even though they weren’t really what you were looking for? I believe this is called…settling.
I don’t know if it’s really a bad thing, but this type of person works just fine for me needing something to do on a Saturday night, wanting company to check out the latest movie release or having someone there for good conversation over dinner. The person may not be all that bad, but perhaps has things about them you don’t necessarily like or maybe there just isn’t any attraction. Still, the presence of a great personality and qualities may be there that allows you to spend time with them.
The reason for this post is because I’d shared these sentiments with a man I’ve been seeing for about 1 month or so. He’s a nice guy, cute, funny, smart and really down to earth and a bonus – love, love, loves to read! Oh, even better? He doesn’t know this, but the main reason I responded to his message on the dating site is because I thought he was WHITE! There I was thinking I was going outside of the box but he sure fooled me.
So anyway, each time we’ve gone out he has always shown me that chivalry isn’t dead, talks about career goals and future plans and the lot. I’m just not interested in him the way he is interested in me.
Again, don’t judge me. I was completely up front with him about my likes, dislikes and my own future goals and plans even before the first date. In fact, during the first date it was when I realized two things: one, that I wasn’t that attracted to him physically (He’s a nice looking man but I’m sorry, a man standing eye to eye with my 5”2 stature just doesn’t do it for me) and two, our “big picture” goals weren’t in opposite directions. He doesn’t want any more children (and made sure that would never happen medically), nor does he want to get married again. I’m on the fence with children and certainly envision marriage in my future.
So why bother?
Fast forward to the second date, and several conversations in between where again – after we were talking about our experiences over lunch, big picture # 2 came up again. This man is so jaded on the concept of marriage, he says he’s okay just shacking up with someone but that was all he was interested in. Sensing the shifting in my chair after hearing this wasn’t because my panties needed adjustment, he asked me if that meant he was “eliminated”? My reply was a resounding yes.
What’s happened since then? He and I still continue to talk almost daily, with text message exchanges in between and he is pretty consistent. After the second time he asked to hang out again, I obliged but specifically told him I didn’t want him to waste HIS time on me knowing there wasn’t really a future. He tells me he thinks he can change my mind on wanting more children and then changed up the “hell no, I’m never getting married again” to “you never know, if I meet the right woman”. Yeah, okay.
A major mistake in any potential relationship – to – relationship is taking a gamble thinking you can change someone’s mind OR not being completely honest about your intentions. I pride myself on being honest and upfront so that no one can say “you never told me this is what you wanted”. Another mistake is getting involved with someone you don’t feel you’re compatible with or someone who is on totally different ends of the spectrum on any critical must have’s or needs.
I’ve told this man several times what the deal was and I won’t know for sure if he’s serious, but this past weekend he told me he understood where I was coming from and was okay with things. He added if either or us are available and just need something to do, that works out fine since we enjoy each other’s company adding, he knows he can’t expect anything further.
Now after understanding my full “disclosure”, I’ll ask again – is it really that wrong to do this? Enjoy the company with no expectations?
In my mind, yes. If this were a situation where I was being deceitful and leading this man on, not fully letting him know of my intentions (or lack thereof), you might have cause for argument of me being cruel and selfish.