Is it wrong to deal with someone you’re seeing until something better comes along?
I’m feeling a little hypocritical even thinking this especially after having enlightened myself on “Choosing a Life Partner”. Dealing with a man who isn’t my first choice is a little tricky and I’ve realized, this could be reciprocal – I may not be his first choice either.
Before you judge me, let me explain and I’d also ask that you think back to your past dealings with a man or woman. Can you honestly say you have never done, being involved with someone or dating even though they weren’t really what you were looking for? I believe this is called…settling.
I don’t know if it’s really a bad thing, but this type of person works just fine for me needing something to do on a Saturday night, wanting company to check out the latest movie release or having someone there for good conversation over dinner. The person may not be all that bad, but perhaps has things about them you don’t necessarily like or maybe there just isn’t any attraction. Still, the presence of a great personality and qualities may be there that allows you to spend time with them.
The reason for this post is because I’d shared these sentiments with a man I’ve been seeing for about 1 month or so. He’s a nice guy, cute, funny, smart and really down to earth and a bonus – love, love, loves to read! Oh, even better? He doesn’t know this, but the main reason I responded to his message on the dating site is because I thought he was WHITE! There I was thinking I was going outside of the box but he sure fooled me.
So anyway, each time we’ve gone out he has always shown me that chivalry isn’t dead, talks about career goals and future plans and the lot. I’m just not interested in him the way he is interested in me.
Again, don’t judge me. I was completely up front with him about my likes, dislikes and my own future goals and plans even before the first date. In fact, during the first date it was when I realized two things: one, that I wasn’t that attracted to him physically (He’s a nice looking man but I’m sorry, a man standing eye to eye with my 5”2 stature just doesn’t do it for me) and two, our “big picture” goals weren’t in opposite directions. He doesn’t want any more children (and made sure that would never happen medically), nor does he want to get married again. I’m on the fence with children and certainly envision marriage in my future.
So why bother?
Fast forward to the second date, and several conversations in between where again – after we were talking about our experiences over lunch, big picture # 2 came up again. This man is so jaded on the concept of marriage, he says he’s okay just shacking up with someone but that was all he was interested in. Sensing the shifting in my chair after hearing this wasn’t because my panties needed adjustment, he asked me if that meant he was “eliminated”? My reply was a resounding yes.
What’s happened since then? He and I still continue to talk almost daily, with text message exchanges in between and he is pretty consistent. After the second time he asked to hang out again, I obliged but specifically told him I didn’t want him to waste HIS time on me knowing there wasn’t really a future. He tells me he thinks he can change my mind on wanting more children and then changed up the “hell no, I’m never getting married again” to “you never know, if I meet the right woman”. Yeah, okay.
A major mistake in any potential relationship – to – relationship is taking a gamble thinking you can change someone’s mind OR not being completely honest about your intentions. I pride myself on being honest and upfront so that no one can say “you never told me this is what you wanted”. Another mistake is getting involved with someone you don’t feel you’re compatible with or someone who is on totally different ends of the spectrum on any critical must have’s or needs.
I’ve told this man several times what the deal was and I won’t know for sure if he’s serious, but this past weekend he told me he understood where I was coming from and was okay with things. He added if either or us are available and just need something to do, that works out fine since we enjoy each other’s company adding, he knows he can’t expect anything further.
Now after understanding my full “disclosure”, I’ll ask again – is it really that wrong to do this? Enjoy the company with no expectations?
In my mind, yes. If this were a situation where I was being deceitful and leading this man on, not fully letting him know of my intentions (or lack thereof), you might have cause for argument of me being cruel and selfish.
Your thoughts?
Carmen ~
StumbleUpon
Digg
Facebook
Twitter
There’s nothing wrong with it. I believe most relationships out there (including marriages) are operating under these conditions – knowing he or she is not “the one” but good enough for the time being. I say if both parties are up front, go for it.
Thanks for the feedback and for adding what I’ve known all along – there are likely more marriages in this situation than the people would dare admit. I really think if I’m being up front and clear about my expectations and deal breakers, if the party wants to play, they know the rules. Now I do draw the line when it comes to getting intimate or seriously dating one of these “until something better” fillers.
Stop by again.
Carmen ~
There is nothing wrong with what you’re doing.
More men than women do it anyways.
As we get older into the elder years, it becomes about companionship, not romance. So you found someone of the opposite sex you like to hang around with, sometimes in almost a date form.
In short, you’re friends. There isn’t more to it than that.
Considering you’ve made your interest and lack there of, well known to him, several times.
However, with all that said… Should you find a romantic interest, what are your plans for this man? Drop him like a hot potato, or introduce him as your friend and carry on like nothing has happened, cos nothing has.
You’re not guilty of anything, unless you treat this person poorly after you do find something better.
Just Sayin’,
Thanks for seeing the point I was making. The friend made it seem as though I would somehow be leading this guy on.
Im at the point in life where I am looking for both- romance AND companionship but I think the latter is definitely something that comes into play when I get older. Much older.
For instance, if I should still be single or not involved at, let’s say 50 years old, then certain things I say are a must have wouldn’t have as much weight.
Good question you asked though, what happens with “good for now guy” when who I really want comes along? I would tell him. Matter of fact, as soon as I get to the point of dating someone exclusively, I will let him know.
Our friendship thus far is very open and light hearted and HE was the one who agreed to “roll with it” until either of us meets and becomes interested in seriously dating someone else.
I guess the big question that remains is whether HE is truthful, meaning can HE handle it when that day comes. I hadn’t thought of this until your reply, so thank you.
Thanks for stopping by and good day to you!
Until something better comes?? Wow. This is so true and at first I was going to say that you sound as bad as me. They way I see it, I date different women because I can’t find the one who is closest to what I’m looking for. Sure, no such thing as perfect but I can at least hold out until the right one for me comes along. If you’re being up front with this guy or anyone else you’re seeing, I say go for it!
Chica- you are totally me right now. Well, except I’m a dude and in it about 5 months longer than you.
I don’t have an answer for you (or me) either. I CAN tell you that the other person will pretend to be okay with “things as they are” all day long, knowing that time is on their side. The longer things go on the more you care about and depend on someone. Soon, not having them around becomes unthinkable and they gain leverage.
I say ride the wave until you know in your heart of hearts that they’re too invested to stay ‘okay’ with things. They’ll say that they’re fine, but you’ll know when they’re crazy about you. Since they won’t have the strength to end it, the onus lies on you (me).
In fact, I think that’s the stage I’m at right now. Working on it. Well, sort of.
Nice writing!
Caleb
PS
Forgot- I posted about the “is it okay to stay until something better comes along” topic last May! Check it out if you want:
http://calebshreves.blogspot.com/2010/05/day-27-cinderella-has-had-enough-of-his.html
Thanks for sharing Caleb. I appreciate the response from a man because normally the fellas are the ones doing it (or at least getting CAUGHT when theyre blowing smoke).
Youre absoltely right about what they “say” theyre okay with and in a way, I think my guy is bullshitting. Himself at least.
Some people are quite fickle, unable to hold a particular position they take when it comes to dating and relationships.
My disclaimer to anyone I meet? Im honest (sometimes brutally) honest and up front.
So what do you (and me) do? Just keep as we are working with the fillers until we meet what we really want OR stay alone?
I’ll check out the link; I just found your blog yesterday and am sure it will be quite entertaining!
Ah ha! This is what I love about the internet, I can say this and no one knows it’s me: I wish I had thought this way before marrying my husband.
Maybe it was the pressure that being in my mid-20’s brought out, making me feel as if I was less than a women if I wasn’t already married. Or perhaps the thought that even though soon-to-be ex wasn’t “that bad”, when he really is THAT bad.
I think we make far too many concessions when it comes to relationships, more out of pressure from family and society.
Carmen, I say go with your heart. I’ve read through your other posts and feel if you’re not feeling the guy, let him know and if he still wants to play, that’s on him. But as someone else commented, if you’re afraid of developing or hurting feelings, just move on.
Thanks for the feedback Tried and True. So far, so good BUT I notice he has been asking for a lot more time than what I’m willing (and should even consider) giving.
I’ll have to see how it plays out and in the meantime, I’m still taking applications which seem to be disqualifying themselves instantaneously!
How do you know this guy isn’t the one you SHOULD think of as the something better? I don’t know, he sounds really great and maybe it wouldn’t be considered settling. Good luck with this one, though it seems you’re pretty straight forward with the deal breakers.
One. I kinda like this guy if only for the set he has…thinking he’s so rad you’ll eventually fall for him (and truth be told…a lot of the time guys say this…it ends up being true). That being said, what you’re doing is perfectly fine. It’s called dating. Nobody seems to have heard of it these days. It’d be one thing if he repulsed you or you were purposely setting up dates and then cancelling or some f’ed up shit like that. But you’re not. You’re spending time with someone until you no longer want to. That’s the beauty of life…and change…freedom to choose…blah blah blah. 🙂
Ms. Vega, that’s a good question because I don’t know but I DO know how I feel. Some people can fake or force attraction, I cannot.
Thanks for stopping by and yes, we shall see how this plays out.
Something, I know – I like him as well and thankfully, he isn’t the elephant man or anyone totally repulsive. Frankly, even if I set aside the height thing, I just am not attracted to him physically though I tried and tried.
No, I’m not a flaky heifer like that – just using him for a hot plate or anything but we really enjoy each other’s company and he’s quite the eclectic one. Can talk about almost anything and like me, enjoy most types of music so we have a lot in common.
Hell YES, he is hoping that I fall for him and YES, this is exactly what dating is all about. Oh how I wish I could just look at him and be like “mmm, mmm, good” but instead I look at him like “yeah, he’s cute but…”.
‘allo Carmen . .
Seems to be a whole pile of similar syntax spin intertwined with your concerns. The responses here are closely styled to your own alpha beta.
Do away with it all. Join a tennis /golf or whatever club.
Do you really want a relationship with a man/woman ?
Seems you cannot or are not willing to trust anyone to meet your expectations . . . yet. So what !
Sexual needs ? Bah ! Pay for a giggalo or hook up somewhere with a one night stand.
They are disposable !
Do you really need some boom boom 3 or 4 times a week ?
Bottom line . . . take control !
If you do not . . . be prepared to live in fairy land until you do !
Well Rutger, I certainly appreciate you stopping by and sharing your feedback.
Let me make something clear – I do not have unrealistic expectations nor am I looking for perfection.
I do not care to have a male prostitute to keep me busy or have the “boom boom” sessions.
Instead, a long-term, meaningful and fulfilling relationship with a man I am attracted to AND compatible with is the key to what I desire in a man.
Yes, I had complaints with this particular hangover – specifically his stature. I do not care for short men, but in spite of this, I still continued to go out with him because he was fun, a great communicator and more.
Perhaps its a bit of a curse, but I just am not one of those people who can force the issue. I can’t pull out feelings or attraction that aren’t there.
Do something like tennis, golf or join a club?
All 3 apply, so I’m sorry to thwart what you are insinuating as my need to find something better to do with my time than date, but that is not the case.
But again… Your comment is appreciated.