I was supposed to be computer free today, giving my eyes and fingers a much needed rest but sometimes you have things that are kind of like a fart – you just have to let it out.
Another one bites the dust since the momentum went from fast to moderate to slow then stopped with the Special Agent and no – you’ve not heard about him because if I’m hopeful about someone I meet, I try not to say too much for fear of them becoming a hangover.
Needless to say after almost a week since we last spoke, e-mailed or even text each other, I’m pretty much considering him for the archives. Bummer though, he seemed like a pretty good fit but oh well, I’ve learned a long time ago that some things just aren’t meant to be.
So what was so promising about the Special Agent (“SA”)?
Our paths crossed on the dating site when he’d contacted me with a fairly decent opening and after my preliminary scrutinizing review of his profile, figured he was someone I could work with even though he wasn’t local. After a few message exchanges, I left him my number and guess what? I never heard from him. Bastard. I figured he was just a flake out to collect numbers for kicks because why else would someone express an interest and then not follow up?
Well guess what? I did something completely out of character. When I hadn’t heard anything from him after two weeks of getting my precious digits, I picked up the phone and called him. *Gasp* I know, rare for me, I’m so bullheaded at times. So anyway, I called and though I was joking, I commented I was ready to just delete his contact information since he didn’t feel the need to follow through and call me.
SA replied that he didn’t know what I was talking about, saying it was I who didn’t return his call from two weeks ago. Yeah right.
He goes on to tell me he’d called a few days after that last online exchange and left a message and figured I just wasn’t interested. SA goes so far as to repeat the number back to me from his call log, with the date and time. Uh, what he read to me was NOT my number. The last two digits had been transposed, so some other person was hearing an introductory message from the dude in San Diego.
Needless to say, once all of that was sorted out, the conversation progressed. In fact, it progressed really well. You see, SA was (damn, I hate using the past tense) a very easy-going guy, easy to talk to and there weren’t any of those awkward moments of silence. We talked and laughed through the getting to know you type conversations and covered everything else in between from my day in court to his mission to get an oil change before his engine blew up from starvation. Nice ice breaker conversation.
Alright, so let me fast forward or otherwise this will be much longer than intended but before I give further details, how about his stats?
Single, father of two, never married (at least that’s what I understood in the beginning), former military (that’s how he ended up in San Diego), from the East Coast (something about meeting someone not from California that turns me on), good and stable job and he is ambitious. Nice looking, sarcastic and funny. The bonus? Quite the intellect. He’s in the process of publishing his first book. I won’t disclose the name of his book just yet but trust me folks, the title of it alone will pique your interest enough so that you’ll want to know what it’s about.
Fast forwarding to several phone conversations later, texts and e-mails and we developed somewhat of a pattern but nothing too excessive. A phone call a day, a few messages in between. Building a little momentum. At this point in the friendship, I didn’t really trip if I hadn’t been able to talk to him but as long as there was a “hey, how are you” message here and there, that was fine.
Then it happens. Radio silent. No reply to text, no call back from voicemail. Why does this happen so often? I guess I’m feeling the karma of what I’ve done with the last couple of guys before finally telling them “thanks but no thanks”. Momentum is going and someone falls off and just S-T-O-P-S communication?
Regardless of whether we’re trying to date, exclusive or anything else that is defined, what I try to instill in people is that when you get a person used to a certain routine and then break the cycle, which just isn’t cool.
Two days later, I get a text explaining that he was out of commission due to work. Really? I mean he doesn’t OWE me any explanation but I’m just saying. No one is that busy. It only takes a moment to send a quick text whether you’re going from point A to B or on the toilet doing your business. Just a quick moment and most times, I would be fine with the missing in action occurrence.
Afterwards, we talk but it’s a little different for me. Partially because I thought he was full of shit and he seemed a little distant, different. My warped perception getting the best of me? Maybe, maybe not.
I’m leaving out things I know, but again, in the interest of you not wanting to read a mini-novel, I’ll get to the point.
It happened again. Earlier this week, I texted, no reply. A few hours later before going to bed, I called and the phone goes straight to voicemail. Nothing else since then other than a video he’d forwarded the next day via e-mail of his son playing the drums. No words otherwise, just the video. Really? Is that one of those self-explanatory messages?
I don’t know and really don’t care to wonder. I figure this is just one who’s family and work obligations absorb too much of his time OR…he just wasn’t that into me. AND TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, NO – I HAVE NOT ATTEMPTED TO CONTACT HIM AGAIN.
I guess another one bites the dust.
Until there’s a cure…
Carmen Jones
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After reading this post I’m curious about a couple of things if you don’t mind my asking! Mainly: how were you hoping for things to proceed with him? Was there much talk of meeting up? I guess LA to San Diego is a two or three hour drive, but if one of you is going to make that trip at some point (or meet in the middle) then maybe it might as well have been sooner rather than later?
Also the phone numbers: you left him your number and you didn’t hear from him, so you called him, which I applaud, but does that mean he gave you his number before you gave him yours?
I do agree that the sudden ceasing of communications with no warning is not nice at all. I think some people just don’t know what to say if they’re not feeling it so much any more but don’t have a convincing reason (e.g. met someone; moving away; some other big life development) – but, as you said, something like “thanks but no thanks” is a lot more courteous than just vanishing. Maybe you’re right that he felt he wasn’t that into you by then, but it’s a shame that he didn’t manage to meet you to find out!
Ask away Matt!
– how was I hoping for things to proceed? Well… when he would mention how much he liked me and asked if things progressed to the point where we got serious, if I was up to relocation, I took that as getting involved with someone who was interested in the same thing that I was. We did meet up, last Sunday and it went well. In fact, he was trying to stop by and see me again before heading back to San Diego but the weather was really nasty. The problem was when I’d asked what his schedule looked like to hook up again and I’d offered to drive down the next time. He wasn’t sure and was still trying to figure out how to establish a different routine with his kids (here we go, bullet point # 2 of why I prefer not to date men with children) AND that January was going to be a busy month workwise. Basically, another person on the online dating site who REALLY doesn’t have TIME to date. Why start???
– phone numbers. Okay, yeah, you called me out on something people sometimes do. We’d exchanged numbers and since he offered, I was waiting for him to make the first move and call which is why it took me almost 2 weeks later to pick up and call him. Don’t ask why we sometimes play the waiting game, we just do.
– hell yeah, the sudden cease of communication blows. The only thing I DID notice about SA early on is that he had one of those “my job and responsibilities are a little more important than yours”. Why do I say this? Well… you know how someone makes a comment about being busy and mentions their obligations acting as if you don’t have the same obligations to handle?
So yes, to clarify, we did meet. In retrospect, I realize there were several times when he would ask me if I was getting a “tune up” if I was unreachable or if he went straight to voicemail calling me. Basically, he was trying to say I was with someone and out of commission though he and everyone else knows I have crappy cell phone service, especially in my home. That same day of meeting when he was trying to see me later that evening before driving back, I didn’t know that he’d call until a voice message reminder popped up hours later. His message was really pissy, as if I was avoiding him etc. ASSumptions, and he was wrong.
Saying all of that, I’m thinking his m.i.a status this week is payback of some sort so I’m guessing he figured I was too busy dealing with other men.
Dating dilema. We spend far too much time trying to figure out why someone did what they did. I said f$%k him/her and keep it moving to the next.
Thanks for answering my questions. The unpleasant voicemail message sounds totally uncalled for – if I call someone and go straight to voicemail I generally try again once or twice, just in case they were on another call – or having reception problems.
I definitely agree that we can spend far too much time trying to figure somebody out and often it’s better just to move on. If he wants to make more of an effort then he will, and if not then there’s no point anyway. (Note: I say this now, but I wonder if I’ll still be saying it after a few weeks on online dating sites? Will I end up eating my words? Hope not!)
Yep, like I said… assumptions. Gosh no, I’m hoping you have better luck with the online dating than many of us have. Heck, at least the odds are somewhat tilted in your favor… many more pickings to choose from!!
Oh wow… I just had the worst experience, similar to this but mine was much worse, a lot more time invested. I had been talking to a guy for about two months and then suddenly, he just stopped calling. I went from being confused, to being angry then worried thinking something bad happened to him. WTF? Nope. He is alive and well and just decided instead of saying he just wasn’t feeling me (though he gave all indications otherwise), he just stopped communication. I mean really, WHO does that??!
Ditto! I could write these reponses…
Let’s just put it this way, I have a very bad taste in my mouth right now for a. men, and b. dating websites.
Mine was six weeks… and *poof*… the vanishing act. This is the first time this has ever happened to me, so I suppose I shouldn’t complain. But, seriously. “Who does that?” You took the words right out of my mouth. And, what gets me more is that they make you think that everything is going really well. They make you believe that there is a chance… And, then they just disappear off the face of the planet… either that or they are secretly stalking us. For some reason, I keep hearing Edward’s “velvet voice” from twilight. “It will be as if I never existed.” Yup, thanks.
I suppose the only good thing is doing it early enough where you only have STARTED to reciprocate feelings.
Welcome Dana and yep, I’m pretty much ready to throw up the white flag in defeat.
The disappearing acts are the worst and yes, I was fortunate enough to have pulled out in time, but it’s still a crappy feeling.
What’s worse? When these retards break out their magic decoder markers and make themselves visible again- ta da! They resurface.
What’s EVEN worse? The same three lame excuses (or at least what I’ve experienced or heard from many friends):
1. They suddenly became really busy (like monsoon rain busy??)
2. Had to pull back because they were ready for the influx of emotion (like tsunami floods??) Or
3. They were having family problems and needed to focus (do they stop going to work or going outside too??)
Sigh.
Thanks for stopping by and please continue to share your hangovers.
Carmen
Weird. This is like reading the diary of so many chicks I know. And by that I’m referencing your outrage over him “breaking the cycle” with a sudden change of communication frequency. And you’re description of how you were slightly different the next time you talked? Yup- textbook chick move (not that him dropping off for a few days isn’t a typical dude move).
Granted, since this is a weird long-distance, just met this guy type of situation, there could be a host of other factors at work that I don’t feel like getting into. I do want to focus on the “break a routine, act pissy” bit (a paraphrase, I know).
I don’t like routines. I never have. I know many guys that are great routine-ers and know women that love those type of men. The other man-type (that I consider myself a founding father of) is the exciting and spontaneous non-routine guy. In fact, sometimes I like to start a routine just to break it.
This is in no way an evil or sadistic choice. I’ll attempt to explain a little of why I (we) do what I do, in hopes that you can see that it’s FOR the benefit of a better relationship rather than an attempt to sabotage.
Men like me value our freedom and independence above all else. Most people will pay lip service to independence, but their actions often overtake their principles. Not us. When you get into a routine, you are committing yourself to continuing that routine. Most of the time that’s fine, but then occasionally you find yourself doing something for the sole purpose of its routine-ness, and not because it’s just what you really want to do.
If you became used to “hey how are you” texts and regular emails/calls, all the sudden he knows that if he stops or pauses the routine, you’re going to be… weird. We can debate that term and what it means all day, but I think we both have an idea of what I’m talking about. And that’s just a pain in the butt. So some guys recognize that they’re creating a routine and deliberately step outside of it to, ironically, create a new routine.
What do I mean? I “routinely” break tradition, display inconsistent behavior, and change my habits. If it seems to you that this would be wildly irresponsible or stressful to deal with; you could probably make a good case. However, in trade you get someone that is always honest, always in the moment, and who does things for you purely and only out of a genuine urge to do so.
And that’s worth a few ignored calls, right?
Great article, Carmen.
Caleb
PS Matt, this doesn’t mean that I necessarily disagree that disappearing is more of a dick move than saying “thanks but no thanks.” That’s a good point (you tend to have those!).
*Clap* *Clap* *Clap* Clap* Caleb, what a great response and if WordPress had a virtual high high five, it would have reached you 5 minutes ago and you’d also have heard my laughter at that first line – “This is like reading the diary of so many chicks I know”. I totally appreciate such a detailed response, from the male perspective. But here’s the thing – I can’t necessarily give the Special Agent a pass for his actions due to the distance, I don’t know why men create unecessary strife in friendships and relationships.
Okay, okay – I get it. You aren’t like us. Men are from Mars, women are from the galaxy and all that but why??? I could probably understand that men want their independence and those like you who value your freedom and somehow connect consistency with the notion that women may be trying to change you, keep tabs or control (not that you mentioned any of those things) but come on – something as simple as a phone call?
So let me ask you this – do you mention this to friends, particularly women that you meet? Not that you would say “Hi, I’m an asshole and once we’ve started liking each other, I’ll probably skip a day or two, or three without calling you just because it’s me”, but do you tell her you’re not a creature of habit??
I have two issues with this non-routine explanation:
1. If you’ve just met someone and you’re in the getting-to-know-you stage, non-routine or not, you’re screwing up the flow of things by breaking consistency. Why start it if you’re not going to maintain it?? If I met someone who told me up front that their schedule was really hectic (and in fact, I just have on Sunday so I know what to expect), my expectations are generally going to be pretty low. Depending on a person’s obligations, line of work etc…I’m also going to have an idea of how infrequent contact me be. Don’t call me daily, talk to me in the morning before my cup of joe, wish me a good night in the evening then fall of the face of the f%cking earth for a few days afterwards.
2. If a commits himself to the communication routine then breaks it, how does one know that it’s just that he doesn’t like routine, has lost interest or lost his vocal chords? I’m exaggerating but you get my point.
Sadly, I’ve had several friends experience this radio silent crap far too often so you’re right, it’s something that you come across far too often so are we expecting too much when someone establishes a routine or is there a serious failure in communication?
Alright Caleb, I hear you but….. think that’s a crock of poop. Whenever I’ve had this issue, I could only hope that the guy could be up front about routine and stuff, but like really? Breaking off communication without warning? I’d rather get a one line text that just says “sorry, this just isn’t working for me” or a softer one of “have a lot going on right now” . Something.
Alright Jessie, did you just have a manic reply moment?? =)
Yes, I’m not sure about that one either.
By the way – I received a text from Special Agent yesterday and probably shouldn’t mention anything else about it because I did the following:
1. Told him I was disappointed and didn’t even ask for an explanation for the radio silence – dumb
2. Told him HE had made it to the blog as a Hangover – dumber
3. Sent him the link (as requested) so he could read for himself how I’d pretty much given up hope on him – dumbest shit EVER!
Ugh….I think it was Something who mentioned on her blog to never mention the blog to those who may one day make it to the blog. Needless to say, duty calls for him so my attempt to return his actual phone call from last night was fruitless. He had to work.
ITA!
I don’t think we’re arguing about anything. Using radio silence to end something? Yes, dick move. Radically changing behavior with no explanation? Not totally cool.
Carmen, to your point: you have to be who/how you are from the very beginning. That way someone can see what you’re like and decide from the get-go if that’s going to work for them. Acting a certain way just to “capture” a chick, then reverting to your normal self? Not a good idea.
Men do that sometimes. I think because women often don’t give enough of a chance up front. If I can show a bit of my personality that is more to a woman’s liking at first to get her to get to know me more, I might do it.
But within reason.
Oh trust Caleb, I reveal me like a speech – at the beginning of a relationship, the body of it and the conclusion. In fact, I pat myself on the back for being consistent as opposed to introducing my representative later down the line.
Things could be so simple in the dating world if OTHERS would reveal who and what they are, their ways, preferences etc…
Yes, radio silence – total dick move. Matter of fact, I asked the dick today why he did the dick move and the dick replied that he didn’t know why. Mmm, okay.
… an AS, sometimes, I’m pretty sure that stands for a “Selfish Ass” very dissappointed and sorry to say… been waiting almost a year to make sure that is NOT a true statement and not the high calling of the SA ‘s job…
I do realize and get it that he is married to his job and by the way never been married… but the MIA for 10 to 20 days at a time and them popping back up as if not a beat was missed from our last date and then I how special I am and awsome ya da ya da… Well.. yup tried of trying to understand him and it all… So strange and creepy for a SA who is I know an upright gov boy protecting us….
Carmen,
I’m glad you posted this as I think I may be dating this person. Yes, SA from San Diego. It saddens me to hear these things because I believed every line he had given me which sounds so much like your story. And to think…I trusted him. This completely hurts me to know I have been duped. Pls call me so I can confirm his name before I pull the rug under him.
I’ve been dating an FBI SA for 5.5 months, and it’s going really well. I guess it doesn’t bother me that his job takes priority. I once had to give up a date night because some nut shot up a federal courthouse downtown, and all the agents were called in to be there all night. I thought it was funny that a lunatic shooter ruined my date night–although I’m grateful no one was hurt. I don’t think it’s funny about the shooter, but how many people have I dated where a scenario like that happens?! Only this guy.
And he is noncommittal and nonexclusive, but that means I have my freedom as well. We see each other when we want to see each other. There isn’t any jealousy or expectation. All I want from him is to know that when he calls or when he invites me out/over, it’s because that’s what he wants. It’s primarily sexual/physical, but we also go to nice dinners. And sometimes if he’s tired, but still wants to spend time with me, he will text me to see if I want to come by for popcorn and TV in PJs for a sleepover. And we sometimes spend weekends together when he’s available. He never expects me to be available, and is very respectful of my obligations and time. He asks/invites, and if I can’t, he’s fine with it. If he has to cancel, he tries to let me know as far in advance as he can, but he has explained sometimes I might not get much notice. However, that rarely happens. He’s also interested enough that he’s met several of my friends as well.
There’s just something nice about the no pressure–call if/when you like–approach, without expectations. I have stuff going on and if he calls me, that’s nice. If not, then…I have stuff going on. I’m free to do what I like. I can wait by a phone, or go about my business. I have other friends I don’t hear from that often, and I don’t get worried by that, and I don’t have any ill feelings if they don’t call for a couple months–or if I only see them once or twice a year. I just enjoy seeing them whenever I see them. And I guess I’m the same way with this SA. And it seems to work really well, because we always have a fun time when we are together. Oh, and should mention that we’ve both had other partners as well during the time we’ve been together–and it’s not a problem for either of us. As long as we’re both happy with it, then it’s what we’ll keep doing.
I have no clue if any of that is useful. But reading your blog made me think of it.
Hi there HLT!
Thanks for sharing your experience with your SA and I think it’s definitely helpful. Especially for those women who stumble across one of these guys and have expectations of a “normal” dating experience.
The difference between my situation and yours is probably the honesty of your dealings. It’s been a while since talking about this hangover, but I recall pretty clearly that there was only ONE expectation- don’t bullshit me.
I knew he was good for nothing more than a fuck buddy. He made it clear where his priorities were and I accepted his position, ready to turn hum into my weekend fun toy
The problem is when he wasn’t totally up front- he was telling me he didn’t have any women in his life that were of any significance, and if you’ve taken and look at that first comment, you can see some chick definite thought SHE was something.
Drama.
I can’t do it.
I like your arrangement with the SA because it sounds like you’re both on the same page and more importantly, it’s working for the BOTH of you.
Again, thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your experience.
Yep–you’re right. He seems honest so far, and we are definitely on the same page with things. 🙂
Hey, that type of understanding makes it easier, so best of luck to you!