Time to refocus

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Remember what I said a few days ago about feeling constipated?  Well today I’m feeling like I’ve popped a few lower bowel supplements and am ready to share what’s been clogging my mind for the last couple of days.

This will likely be a long one and will probably be part of a chapter in a book I’ll write, so for now, let’s just say that constipation has developed into a bad case of the runs.

First, let me just say this – dating SUCKS.

Whether it’s casual, working towards something serious or in a full blown committed relationship, I sometimes feel the amount of work and effort needed is simply too much for me.  I think many might agree that every now and then a person comes into your life and it is really, really hard to let them go and walk away.

Good on Paper (“GOP”) is that one for me.

I messed up because I allowed myself to become emotionally attached with. He was just supposed to be the cut buddy who would satisfy my mission: to spend my free time in the company of someone who I was attracted to purely based on his physical form and get my world rocked whenever I wanted it.

No strings attached, no need for regular contact, no need to discuss anything outside of “what time should I be there?”

His purpose:  to be readily available like d on demand, and come with the stamina to enjoy several rounds and understand that after it’s over, he must gather his things and exit stage left.

I still remember the night this arrangement was made, it was March of last year and I’d asked him to meet me for a late night breakfast as I asked him if he was up to fulfilling my mission and serving his purpose weekly and he replied yes, he was up to it and wanted it.

Funny how I was expecting to hear something other than “Okay, sure, I’d love to see you” when I contacted him since it had been since 2007 when we last spoke and at that time, I didn’t exactly end our communications in a polite way. Here I am doing it again nearly a year later doing the same thing.

Only this time, I’m for real.  I think.  So how did this hangover come to be?

The Beginning

GOP and I met casually at a local carwash and while I was fussing at my little one who was trying to hit me up for more arcade game money, he joked that I was acting like a typical Mom and told me to stop giving the kid a hard time.

We laughed and ensued in some small talk and later, we exchanged numbers to keep in touch.  Telephone calls followed and we seemed to have a lot in common – don’t you just love the energy you feel when you’re in the newness phase of getting to know someone?

We clicked, we talked, text and e-mail and soon, a date was planned and from that night of our follow up meeting we both noticed the undeniable physical attraction and chemistry we had with each other. So it was no surprise that the night ended with a hot and heavy kissing and grinding session.  From there, we continued on the path of learning more about each other but then soon reverted to the home dates.

You know the “I just want to see you for a minute because I miss you” visits which ultimately led to more of those sessions and we then both admitted that the inevitable would happen one day very soon.

Alas, I started learning more and more about this man and realized aside from having been divorced with three children (one of them only three-  yikes!), he was a pretty good candidate for “something”.

I gave him this title because he was very smart not only in academics (is pursuing his second master’s degree), but full of common sense and street smarts.  GOP can converse about nearly everything and is well traveled, conscious about finances and decisions needed to be where he wants to be in life and was driven and has a great sense of humor.  Oh, and yes I saved the last detail for last – he is an extremely good looking man.  How could I resist him?

Okay, so you’re probably wondering what happened next and why wasn’t I pursuing anything with him?

Well, before I could get to that point (though I should mention neither of us mentioned what WE sought specifically in the beginning) he did what happens all too often with men, they fall off.

He became inconsistent and I became uninterested in because I refuse to resort to the desperado actions by asking why he hadn’t called. I didn’t care to know when I was going to see him again.

Instead, I did what I often do to men, began focusing my attention on other options like whether he should be dropped him like a bad habit or simply downgraded to a whenever man.

The Middle

Fast forward to our late night breakfast conversation at 3am, and while were talking about our failed relationships, I tell GOP that I’m not interested in trying another relationship and wanted to avoid the type of heartbreak I’d experienced and offered the position of the f@$% buddy.  I explained there were no strings attached and told him how often I expected to see him for THAT purpose and he happily obliged saying he was ready to go.  So after our meal, we sealed the deal and believe me when I tell you it was worth the wait.

Like the best thoroughbred at the Kentucky Derby, the horses were off to a great start!  Perfectly timed contacts, arrangements made to meet up after I had my time to play and party and Carmen was a happy girl.

You know I am dying to give you the details since this hangover is officially ready for the archives, but I’ll save those goods for my forthcoming Top 10 List of lovers.  Still, I can’t emphasize enough how satisfied I was with my encounters with GOP because he made sure that every nerve in my body was left with a tingle.

A couple of weeks have passed and everything is going pretty well and of course, I’m a happy camper because I’m having my cake and eating it too; I still have the occasional date here and there and since nothing had really materialized into anything with these men, my dealings with GOP satisfied my urges for any physical contact.

While I began to notice he’d started doing a few things that weren’t part of the FB agreement such as calling me outside of asking when we were getting together, I didn’t mind.  Nor did I think anything of the texts and e-mails that seemed to come a little more frequently and though they really consisted of the basic good morning, how are you and a little sexting, it was okay because he was an enjoyable person to talk to and correspond with.

No harm no foul, right?

Then it happens as I mentioned earlier, the consistency stops.   Our encounters went from twice a week to once a week, followed by once every two weeks.  Sometimes I would communicate with him, sometimes I wouldn’t but then there was a peak when the phone calls increased in frequency.

This part was confusing but then they would stop and start up again.   You see, I understand and know the differences between being involved with a friend with benefits/FB, casually dating, seriously dating and being in a committed relationship with someone and I also know of the things and actions (or lack thereof) that comes with each of them.

 

I soon realized that GOP was blurring the lines so I called him on it and told him, quite blatantly that I didn’t know what his purpose really was any longer.   I told him he couldn’t seem to screw me on a regular basis, so why was he there?

This is when he tells me as we sat on the edge of my bed having this discussion we should NOT need to have and says:

“Has it ever occurred to you that I am interested in more than just that?  Sex isn’t something that I just have to have.  I’m interested in you and I like you because you are a great woman.  So what do you think about that?”

Sound the alarm, Ding Ding Ding Ding!!!!!  Emergency, lost brain on the floor, lost brain on the floor.

Yes, this is exactly what my mind was doing; flipping the hell out because it wasn’t expected at all but was something that I surely would consider.

What’s funny about this is that most women are guilty of switching gears like this, but this was a man doing it and yes, I did think about what he had to say and agreed to give it a try.  So as we sat there acknowledging that the two of us had been withholding feelings for each other that went a little beyond the physical connection, I explained that if we were going to try dating each other it needed to be for real adding that I was interested in a long-term relationship and shared my ultimate goal for a life partner.

GOP agreed, so we started communicating more, enjoyed many wonderful dates and will live happily ever after.

Nearing the End

One thing I say about this man is that he was consistently inconsistent.  Of course nothing became of that conversation, and what I began seeing was a side of him that I didn’t understand and began to hate.  He was all talk, lip service and no action.  Sure, we communicated more and saw each other more but what he failed to mention when offering up himself for a dating and relationship strategy, is that his personal life (ugly custody battle, long hours working and more) wouldn’t really allow him to do anything more than he’d been doing.

There weren’t any dates, instead I received the updates about the time he was spending at his children’s sport activities or some family functions.  We would talk about work and different projects he was working on and though I tried to give him an out and attempted to transfer him back to the friend realm, each time I’d mentioned this was met with the disappointed reply of “so you really just want to be friends and that’s it?”

Well no, I really didn’t so I continued to be the understanding woman and while I have a child of my own and have to deal with the regular demands of life, was expected to accept his shortcomings and why he wasn’t able to spend more time because in his mind, the magnitude of his issues somehow outweighed mine.

Seriously?

From the time we reconnected in March until August, I’d pretty much surmised that GOP was a lost cause and slowly began pulling away.  The physical relations continued and thank goodness, there was no affect on those great times but the more I dealt with him I felt like I was being sucked deeper and deeper into a black hole of emotions.  With each text, email and lengthy conversation with him about us (though there really wasn’t an “us”), complaining of any unfulfilled promises from him I was becoming that woman you hate hearing about.

You know the one who continues to deal with a man, complains about him, gets upset with him only to start dealing with him again and start the unhealthy cycle of up and down emotions all over again?  Yes, that was me.  So one night after being stood up by him, I called and left a detailed message telling him where he could go and then implemented a No Contact Rule.  I ignored any and all attempts from him to contact me and moved on.

I’ve noticed many people say that one of the best ways to get over someone is to move on and start up a new relationship right away.

This can’t be any further from the opposite and is bad, bad, bad.  Any way you look at it, you’re rebounding and I believe time is the only thing that can help you to get on with your life.  I don’t know if I can blame karma, bad luck or cupid playing a joke on me, but the relationship I got in just a few weeks after my NCR was enforced was one of the WORST ever.

Three Strikes Your Out

I can’t say or even try to explain how I let him back into my life again, especially me being the type who has only given a man a second chance ONCE in my life but I did.

About a week or two after I ended things with my ex-boyfriend, GOP contacted me and so the merry-go-round began again.  I won’t deny my feelings, I loved him although I wasn’t  necessarily in love so this time around I decided to handle him with the whatever happens, happens approach.

While he took a selfish position feeling I shouldn’t be dating anyone if I was supposedly interested (again) in wanting to make something happen with him, I continued my ventures with on-line dating anyway.

Fast forwarding and sparing the details in between, come New Years Eve, I’d decided I didn’t want to take the same $hit into 2011 so I sent GOP a simple text saying –

“Here’s your out.  You’ve done nothing to convince me otherwise that you’re interested in making something of this, so take your chance to just walk away”.

His reply?

“No, I’m not taking an out.  I want you for the New Year.  I’m out of town now and will be back on Sunday and I’m coming to see you”.

What happens on Sunday?  Of course, nothing.

Monday he calls, followed by a few texts days later and another text here and there up until yesterday when I finally responded.

Yesterday morning I finally responded to his latest “good morning beautiful, how are you?” texts and while my reply was a pretty dry and close-ended “I’m good, thanks”, I still responded.

He had me answering now and has hope so he continues by saying “I’m trying to figure out what’s going on with you; I haven’t talked to you in a while”.  I blow him off with a lame “I’m doing well, just busy” so then he asks “Well can I still see you?” but this is when I remember my friend Lin telling me how he was a D.N.R.R. – a do not resuscitate romance so this time I was more direct and said “I need to refocus”.

After a few minutes of silence he responds with an “Ah… ok, I see.  Well you stay focused then”.

And staying focused is exactly what I’ll be doing.

Hindsight is 20/20

If I took a moment to think back and reevaluate this particular situation, I would find that I held on for far too long but for all the right reasons.  How often is it that you meet someone who is a really great individual, you’re attracted to them and they have qualities that make you want to consider them for a lasting place in your life?

With Good on Paper, I couldn’t see past the words that were never followed up with any action and instead, accepted excuses and even made excuses for his shortcomings when I should have ended things many months ago.  For me, this was a conquest of sorts and I wanted to challenge myself to overcome obstacles instead of giving up on someone so easily.

I’d done so (gave up) in the past with men whose character far exceeded anything I’d experienced with this man, but because of my regrets from my immature ways that pushed away the good ones, I decided to give it a try with the next person who seemed to be what I wanted and needed.

Lesson learned, hangover Archived.

Carmen ~