Why is it that things seem to be going well with someone new and suddenly come to a screeching halt? Did I jinx myself by telling a friend about the wonderful things I liked about Silver Lining only to be followed up by my reasons why things would NOT work out with him?
Am I so jaded on the dating scene after having dealt with loser after loser, weirdo after weirdo and liar after liar that my negative thoughts are somehow ruining any chances I might have at meeting someone wonderful?
It it unreasonable for someone to expect to be the only person I’m working on at a time, even though he hasn’t put in the minimum number of hours required for a permanent position?
I mean really, SL seems like a really good catch. Not only is he good on paper and has the types of qualities in a man I’d mentioned in my last post but he’s also very open and direct, seeming to know exactly what he wants in life and more importantly, in a woman. If this is the case and since I’d left from that meeting with a decent impression of him, why is it that before the sugar from that macchiato could even circulate through my bloodstream I was already preparing myself for a let down of some sort and of course, it happened.
The daily phone calls stopped, the text messages a few times a day went away and about every other day or so, someone would initiate a “Good morning, how are you”, followed by a some small talk. When SL’s children came over for their 4-day stint, he was missing in action the entire time yesterday I called him and told him he’d fallen off. I told him there isn’t a grey area with me – you’re either really digging me or you’re not. Plain and simple, so what happened?
SL agreed he’d fallen off and said it was something we should fix, but when I initially asked what happened he didn’t have a reply. I really should get out of the habit of presenting an explanation for someone instead of allowing them to tell me reasons for their actions, but I asked if the reason he stopped the consistency of contact was because (1) he goes radio silent to spend time with his kids or (2) I’m still too new to the calling plan to really care. SL replied that it was a little of both.
Not even five minutes later he tells me the real reason he’d stopped trying to build something with me is because I have “too many men in my life”. Say what? Do I?
Perhaps when he asked me about my dating habits I should have applied the less is more strategy. I was up front with SL and explained that I am actively dating (I mean damn, WE met on the same dating site so he should know this right?), but that just as he’d shared, had an ex in the wings as well. Was there anyone other than the ex who was getting my time regularly? No. Was there anyone I was even remotely interested in pursuing anything with that I was dating? No.
Yet still, instead of him telling me his concerns, he attempted the easy way out by slowly backing off from communication and says it was important for him to be dealing with a woman who has no OTHER men that they’re dealing with. Being able to focus on one person, build a rapport and spend enough time with each other to feel your way around for possible relationship material. Okay, I get that.
Still, to me it just doesn’t seem smart to put all of your eggs in one basket, you know? I guess it’s me who is caught up in the “there might be something better” syndrome so for now, I’m not really in agreement with becoming exclusive with someone I’ve only seen once and the communication isn’t all that constant. Isn’t dating all about having a variety of choices and like going through a bag of beans, narrowing down the ones that can be used and discarding the not so good is part of the process, right? But am I possibly missing out on something great that is right in front of me?
Only time will tell.
It is a difficult balance to strike. Tell them you aren’t dating anyone else and they run away scared thinking you are looking for an instant commitment or tell them you are dating other people and they think that you are a serial dater. I think you were up front and honest with him and that is what really matters.
You’re so right J! Truly a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation.
Here I am thinking that being up front about who I’m dealing with would dispel any issues later on.
I recognize when the time comes that the account and any side liners have to go, when me and the potential have spent the time together needed. The thing is- Silver Lining and I are nowhere near.
Think it’s going to take more than a meet up and a few scattered conversations to convince me that my time and energy should be devoted just to him.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
J is completely right – damned if you, damned if you don’t. I vote for honesty. Tell him you are dating, but never elude to just how many you are dating.
There you are, hey Simmarah! Yep, you guys are right. I just hope he doesn’t turn out like Esme’s confused jerk- telling me one minute he is dating just me THEN tell me he needs space. Men! And they say women cause problems!
Be honest early in the game and if things don’t work out, at least you know you were being up front.
I kind of feel what the dude is talking about but really, after one date you can’t really be making those types of demands.
He needs to relax, keep your options open, You’ll now when it’s time to cut the other fish loose.
Thanks Kendall, appreciate a man’s point of view. 🙂
I was trying to find a reason to disagree.. Wait… Can’t find one.
Girlfriend, do you. It’s called dating and exclusivity isn’t owed to anyone this soon.
I am in no way going to limit myself during the first few dates…nor would I expect my significant dater, as well. Not until we have the commitment talk. I would never even broach the subject. I think men are the emotional ones, and I think men cause all the dating problems. Seriously. Who the hell doesn’t have more then one dater waiting in the wings? Guys these days are too damn emotional….did I say that already? 😉
Not all men are so needy and clingy Esme but you’re right, deciding to just date one person is a dual decision and this guy jumped the gun.
He’s either really digging Carmen and just not saying it or one of those “my way or the highway” type of men.
Consensus here, he’s doing too much.
I know Esme- and WE are told we’re too emotional. Plepin:324853pin:32485331pin:324B85331pin:3248533131ase!
Esme, we hear so often that women are the emotional (overly) ones but I swear, I’ve encountered some really special men.
Needless to say, after a few instances of phone tag between SL and I, the thrill is gone.
I agree with J also. I’ll give SL the benefit of the doubt and presume that he’s possible had issues with being the “side guy” before and doesn’t want to go down that road again. Although, you know how men can be…frustratingly quiet when it comes to matters like this. I think it’ll work out if you give him a little time to think the whole thing through, realize the other guys aren’t a threat and have a good convo about expectations, hesitations, etc.
Good points Melzie, but I told him he had nothing to worry about when we first met. But after hearing about his expectations AND realizing his ego may be a bit too inflated for me, I chopped him up as a loss.
Knowing you’re a good man or woman is one thing, but hearing someone say repeatedly “I’m the creme of the crop”? Bleh!