This week I was supposed to be sharing details about Mr. Hollywood as a follow up to Just Be Up Front, but I figured why waste finger strokes and computer space on a hangover? It’s done and over with.
I will share a few of the things that turned me on about him: He enjoyed book clubs (and is not gay), discussion (and knows conversate is not a word), camping (not afraid of the outdoors), coffee (lives at Starbucks), cooking (doesn’t rely on a woman to feed him), museums (really, he’s not gay), exploring new areas (not afraid to think outside the box), performing arts (he enjoys and is a film creator, full of talent), sightseeing (yep, I can stop here).
Either he’s too good to be true or copied these items from some chicks dating profile, but he’s definitely shared the types of traits I would want in a partner and then some.
Partial-truth telling bastard.
So this week I was going talk about how his southern charm and good looks and great attributes had me so interested in the beginning, but I’ve changed my mind. I realized he was on a mission of world domination (the line we commonly hear is “I’m not going to force anything, I work a lot and want to get myself together”) and that meeting women on-line was more of a task in collecting possible contenders for himsel to spend time with when HE had time. Nope, I’m over it and have already deleted his contact information.
There is, however, one thing that I never really resolved. Mr. Hollywood said something to me during a conversation a few months ago that not only annoyed me but also scared me. A couple of months ago while I was on my way to the Festival of Books, he and I were talking on the phone about any and everything. From dating and relationships, religion vs. spirituality, to when it is acceptable to fart around your new partner and then to marriage. I made the comment that my future husband didn’t need to be an avid church attendee since I was not and he says, “YOU want to get married? You never struck me as the type who was interested in marriage”.
What the hell? The type?
I don’t know what was worse – him making this revelation that I didn’t “present myself” to him as a woman interested in the union, hence the reason he didn’t press forward with dating me OR the fact that he is the second man to tell me this within the last couple of months. The first time I saw Rescue after several years and we chatted about our failed relationships and what went wrong with us, again, I’d made the same admission that casual dating was not something I desired. As Rescue sat on my sofa he looked at me with this puzzled expression like he just figured out the secret recipe to KFG biscuits or something and said, “YOU’RE interested in marriage? I never got that from you and figured when we were together, you didn’t want to get that serious”.
Okay listen up – I don’t know what type of pheromone my body is projecting or what my expression, actions or comments may be portraying but I’d better figure it out and quickly. I mean really; I’m pretty sure getting married, no shacking up in lieu of, avoiding having children out of wedlock and the sort was mentioned to each of these men but was there something lost in translation? Was I supposed to mention marriage several times during my relationship with Rescue without somehow being the nagging girlfriend who doesn’t know when to stop?
Should I have told Hollywood a couple of more times that I was ready for that hyphenated last name, even though we’d only known each other a couple of months?
What am I doing wrong?
It’s a little too late for the other but I can certainly pick Rescue’s brain a little more on the topic.
Marriage talk is such a fine line differing for so many guys, it’s tough…
Maybe it can be a single sentence in passing until he further engages in the topic, you can let him take the reigns and adjust accordingly 🙂
I hear you Sarah, but I don’t know. Do I need a universal flash card or something?
It’s simple enough, at least I think.
I meet a guy, make sure we’re both single and available and exchange information.
By the first conversation, I’ll probably know if the guy needs to be kept as a potential, branded as a friend or deleted. I’ll also touch on the “why am I single” topic and clearly and I do mean clearly – “I’m interested in a serious, long term relationship and want to get married”
My template has not changed in the last 3 or 4 years.
Some people just don’t get it.
Hmm, I’m curious what they’re missing because it sure as hell sounds like you’re being clear on what you want.
Interesting because I would think a man would be turned off by a woman who consantly talked about marriage or worse, be scared off by you mentioning too soon while you”re dating.
It’s them.. They’re just stupid.
Kimmie, most are pretty dense and in this case, neither is awarded brownie points for paying attention.
I did ask Rescue and he just said I never really talked about marriage with him. I’m trying to think back to what, 4 years ago, and I can’t recall if I reinforced the idea.
Our relationship was that on a fast track at the time, so with him working all the damn time I’m sure I was mainly focused on just trying to get in a date night once a week.
I DID however mention a time or two that I do not shack up when he would talk about moving in together.
Damn, do I have to spell everything out???
Tangent-I hate it when men try to ‘type’ me. Pisses me the fuck off.
OK, here is what I think. I think you are an independant woman. You can take care of yourself, and have been doing it for a long time. For whatever reason, something has gotten lost in translation during womans lib. Just because we aren’t bubble-popping hair-twirling giggling airhead idiots, doesn’t mean some of us don’t want the perfect vision of happily ever after. Even if marriage itself isn’t wanted, we still want the one we can share our hopes and dreams with.
Since have this irrational want and need to act like ourselves (shocking), we have to wait for those strong men who aren’t intimidated by women like us. Unfortunately, they are few and far between!
Damn it Esme, I adore you!!
Yesssss!!! Ding ding motherfu*’ing ding!
That is EXACTLY what is it. The “you seem too independent to want or need a partner/spouse”.
What’s wrong with being self-sufficient, dummies?
Now please believe, I am not one of those “put a ring on it”, or “I make my own damn money” or worse, “I don’t need a man” types of women. Sure I want the first and am doing the second, but I would like the third.
Esme, I guess if I acted a little more needy my quest for marriage might be a little more transparent, eh?
It always amazes me how needy women ALWAYS have a man. That tells me that they are incredibly insecure, but I digress.
I feel that guys who date these needy air-heads will wind up incredibly unhappy. I have been dumped a few times for this kind of woman. But every time I have been, not too long later I am receiving the ‘I made a horrible mistake’ phone call.
I know that I am (and you!) are the kind of chicks guys ultimately WANT to be in a long term relationship with. Not giggling hair-twirlers. They are good for the short-term, but that’s it. And I think at our age, dudes are still fighting growing up. So idiot-girls still look great to them.
Hold out hope, my Dear C. Some day boys will pull their head out of their ass and realize what a gem you are. Hold your bottom line, and keep speaking out for what you want. There is someone out there looking for the same thing!
Best damn comment in a long time! Thanks E, you totally get it (picture me doing the two finger to eye motion signaling understanding).
Several of my friends talk about this often. The obese, sloppy, dumb/uneducated, insecure, needy, broke and credit challenged normally end up with the knight in shining armour. I used to question these types of men but then realized they either genuinely ignored all of the things MOST men would run from such as above OR just need to feel needed.
I’ve had several men (those I dated regularly with no commitment and actual boyfriends) tell me I didn’t act like I needed a man.
Taking care of my basic needs is MY responsibility. I’d be embarassed asking someone to kick in $50 on my electricity bill. I would kick my own ass for telling a man I can’t make it without him and would immediately pray and seek help from a life coach.
You’re right, there are some out there who get me and understand the difference between being needy and appreciating what someone can do WITH you, together.
Exactly. A guy I dated once told me I acted like I don’t need him. Ding ding! I told him I WANT you in my life, but I don’t NEED you in my life. And I want my man to feel the same about me.
Uh… Esme have we dated the same hangovers??? I like that: WANT vs NEED.
Unless you’re partying like a rock star and telling men “I’m not ready to settle down” I really don’t see where the confusion could be coming from.
And you’re right- it is good to mention your desires in the beginning, once you guys start progressing on to seriously dating and talking about blending finances or moving in, but NO man wants to constantly hear “I want to get married”
Silver, there’s no hard core partying. I tell men up front that I have many friends who have birthday shindigs which is pretty much the only time I’m really partying.
Each of them SAY they’re okay and agree that it isn’t excessive.
Simply put, some men and women just don’t get each other.
hmm – not sure I want to wade in here as a man, given that the tone here seems to be that men are mostly idiots and dense (talk about typing) but anyway – here goes.
i don’t know what your Hollywood guy saw or heard from you about marriage, but the reality is that it’s often just not clear anymore who wants to be married and who doesn’t. you’re acting as if the comments about not wanting to move in together directly point to wanting marriage first before living together, but that could just as easily be taken as “I’m don’t want to have a serious relationship with you.”
I dated a woman for over three years who repeatedly rebuffed any talk about moving in together. She had had bad experiences doing so in the past, and didn’t want to repeat them. Which I was ok with, but it also ended up being a way for her to keep some distance – to have me around – but to avoid any further talk about moving our relationship forward. This kind of thing is very common these days. People want to both have relationships and have “freedom” from deep level commitment. And until you actually have specific, clear conversations about moving in, marriage, and the rest, you really don’t know.
Hollywood’s mistake, in my view, was assuming, rather than asking questions to develop a clearer picture. But would you have been open to those kinds of questions, or would be silently or out loud berating him for being “clueless”?
The problem is that too many of us sit around and assume we know what the other is or isn’t thinking. You’re rightfully frustrated that Hollywood assumed you didn’t want to get married, but you are assuming that he should have figured out what you wanted from whatever clues you presented – when you two didn’t actually have a direct conversation about what your long term relationships goals and desires are.
(Now, if you did have that kind of direct conversation and he missed it, then that’s another story.)
Welcome to the bashing ceremony Nathan! LOL
Kidding, no bashing at all so thanks for putting that pinky toe on in to test the water.
I try to use non-gender specific words every now and then and generalize by adding “most”, “some” etc…
BUT, since you’re a blogger as well, I’m sure you can agree that most complainers of miscommunication are women and the receivers are men.
Yes, Hollywood is a retard. Period.
The first conversation we had covered our past relationships, including his first failed marriage. Of course that was a segway into my history and since I have not been married, details about why, what happened with my ex’s and why I WANTED to get married.
He assumed my actions reflected something different because I was not pursuing him heavily. For what? I wasn’t trying to invest time in someone who dated when time allowed because he admitted he wanted a wife, he had no time to focus on one. Perhaps that’s where his ex comes in – he didn’t have to do the courting process all over, bridged the relationship gap and a text message later, he’s a deletion.
Your example about the woman you were involved with is great. Me on the other hand?
I refuse to shack up, move in, cohabitate, share expenses or however people call it nowadays without a clear plan/expectation/date of impending nuptials.
Thank you for the comment about Rescue because I think you hit that one dead on. His perception of me refusing to move in with him WAS that I wasn’t as serious about him as he was about me.
I understand that now and make sure that he knows how badly I want things to work out with us. We have discussions about raising kids, family life in general, travel together etc… Making sure, as best as I can, he knows I’m in for the long haul.
Still, I feel like he’s such a contingency and as much as I hate saying this and reminding myself of his loose ends, he will continue to be for now.
Thanks again for sharing Nathan and I’ll need to see why I’ve not been receiving your posts for quite some time now. 🙂
I hear you about Hollywood. The lack of time excuse is really lame, and definitely often has behind it a lack of commitment. I’ve experienced this with a fair number of women who repeatedly said they were interested, but then couldn’t even pick the phone to call, or be available anytime I’d try to schedule a date.
It’s interesting that since I had that relationship with the woman who wouldn’t move in with me, I have felt desire to do the same with anyone else. I think your focus on making sure there is a commitment and some kind of plan first makes a lot of sense. That was part of our problem – neither of us could pinpoint where things were going, and when I think about it, moving in together was one attempt on my part to get more of a direction. But moving in together these days doesn’t necessarily mean much, which is clearer to me now than in the past.
“…But moving in together these days doesn’t necessarily mean much…”
Nathan, my sentiments are the same and people need to really discuss the reasons for shacking up.
The man may be thinking of shared expenses, more availability and the woman (you KNOW how we tend to exaggerate the meanings of things) is thinking living together will get them a more serious commitment or closer to marriage.
The next time this comes up with whoever I’m with, I’ll make sure we chop up the “why”.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say these two men are either (1) slow and dense or (2) slow and dense.
If you’re letting them know up front BUT aren’t reinforcing the idea throughout the relationship, I can see how they may not have caught it.
Think of it this way – you teach/tell but need to practice/repeat so the mind retains it.
Hey Darren, thanks for that. Reinforcement helps.
Damn shame though because I find myself “reinforcing” with my child and simply don’t want to believe that adults need this too!
No, you’re not missing anything, this dude (H-Wood) was just stupid.
First off, why would you continue to reinforce any idea, especially marriage, with someone who you’re not even consistently dating?
If a woman did that and mentioned getting hitched to some dude she’s gone out a few times with and he (the unsuspecting future groom) hasn’t even told her he’s into her like that? Dust.
That’s what you’d see in the place of the dude’s body.
Thank you Aaron, I thought I was the slow one and you’re absolutely right- Hollywood and I were even dating casually so the discussion for marriage wasn’t even considered.