This probably more of a rant than anything, but I just have to say how sick I am of hearing the stories about women who are waiting.
Waiting for that man to propose OR for those lucky enough to have heard already heard it, waiting for things to be “right” before a the man finally marries them. If you have to ask why it hasn’t happened after so much time together (especially to someone other than your guy), you probably already know the answer.
I mean really, let’s be truthful with ourselves. No, I’ve never been married or been engaged. Hell, I’m not even sure if the promise ring was anything more than a “I’ll try not to cheat on you” gesture but I don’t need to have experience with either to know what is common sense, right?
If you were to Google “Why He Won’t Commit” or “When is he going to ask me”, you’ll get tons of hits and plenty of bullshit reasons why. There’s some author out there who will feed you with everything from a man not feeling financially stable, grounded in his career or other as a logical explanation for why women are waiting.
Just from having witnessed the disappointments of my friends, I know there is really ONE main reason why that question for marriage takes anywhere from 3 years to the first of Nebruary. There is a single reason why a woman had to give the “we’ve been together __ years and we…” speech which is rarely met with open arms. A solitary explanation for why a man will tell a woman “you need to get your life together” without listing specifics. Just one teeny, tiny reason why that wedding date keeps getting pushed back further and further.
Ready?
He.
Does.
Not.
Want.
To MARRY.
Y-O-U.
I think it’s truly sad that most people have accepted domestic living arrangements, co-habitating, shacking up. But at the same time, respect those who figure marriage is not for them. Totally fine, however I make it clear upon meeting someone new, they are not for me.
Ladies, we need to set the expectations of what we really want, long term, early on. Many of us do not and instead, end up with one of the following types of men:
1. Mr. Yes, I definitely want to get married (and has a specific time frame in mind).
2. Mr. Yes, I definitely want to get married but am not sure when.
3. Mr. Yes, but maybe in about 5 or 10 years (and he’s already over the age of 35 and been with YOU more than 7 years).
4. Mr. Maybe, I’m not sure (he’ll use the “if I find the right person” disclaimer).
5. Mr. I’m not sure (you take a gamble either way)
Or
6. Mr. No, I’m not interested (but in our twisted little minds think that marriage is like breaking in a new pair of shoes).
#6 is where we probably go astray the most. This guy makes it pretty clear, you roll with it and later on… You wait and realize damn- he was serious?
Perfect example in my case, Tall Glass of Wine. Remember him? The knight in shining armour, dressed to the nines, clean cut, intelligent AND gave me the greatest foot rub by a man I’d known 1 hour ever? Ah yes….interested in marriage? Nope. Not even remotely. Was I going to continue to date him, share my precious nookie? For what? Set myself up for
failure?
Obviously, this isn’t always the case as people can change their minds, both want the same thing and live happily ever after.
Five. The number of friends who have broken up and ended relationships altogether because the 6 months, 1 year or 2 years following the “will you” never materialized into “I do”.
Four. The number of friends/acquaintances who had to give ultimatums because their beaus weren’t quite ready to take that next step after seriously dating for 3 to 5 years.
Three. The number of friends whose ultimatums backfired, their guys flipped and they never brought it up again and are likely, candidates for an episode of Cheaters.
Two. The number of friends who have been told by their long-term, on again, off again partners that they needed to work on themselves before he would even entertain the thought.
One. A woman who has not given up in spite of all of my crappy experiences and jokes called relationships.
Stop waiting ladies, enough of hearing the excuses BUT if you’re willing to stick it out until HE is ready… Shut up and stop complaining.
I think I’m working on the cure for the hangovers…
Carmen~
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True. Without a firm date commitment most guys will linger in the bliss of the “almost official”. Can’t blame them but so much if the requirement is not put on them to follow-through…good ol’ cow and milk cliche’ 🙂
Cliche’ or not Mel, it’s true. You wanna play house, shack up, combine finances, purchase property and all that together and wonder why a person isn’t eager to make things “official” well….
Ouch! Cold hard truth huh? I think everyone progresses at different speeds, couples just need to be on the same page. I like the 6 + 6 method. Within 6 months of dating, you know if the person is marriage material so I’m looking for a ring. 6 months later, we’re getting hitched!
Cold hard truth is right Jessie. 6 and 6? How’s that been working out for you?? 🙂
Absolutely, I agree with you 100%!!! Women need to know this and read the cold hard truth, as I’m a firm believer in every single aspect of your post.
“I’m Simmarah and I approve this message”. 🙂
Thanks dear!
Men just need to be up front. I tell women what I’m interested in and you’re right, they take a gamble hoping I’ll change my mind or grow into an idea.
Sometimes you’re just not sure of a person. I’m always on the fence about continuing to date someone I know isn’t cut out for the long run, but they are good for the moment so why let go?
Annonymous, I’m assuming you’re male or you’re female and now date women?? 🙂
Agree totally, isn’t that the foundation for all relationship woes? People not being up front about wants and needs?
Of course, we all want our cake and eat it too. Guess I’m just a hard head, stubborn chick because I’m not willing to take a chance on the maybe or maybe not!
I think no matter what in a relationship, both parties have to be upfront about their expectations. I’m very honest about not wanting to get married. About never combining finances. About never having another child. No one I wind up with could ever say they didn’t know what they were getting in to.
That’s how you do it E. A maybe, man who thinks he wants children later on shouldn’t consider you. You sound pretty solid with both issues and I KNoW you make it perfectly clear to your suitors!
If it could only be this simple!
I’m honest with women and say “I want to be married with 3 kids by 40”. I’m 37 years old so they know this is the real deal and like most stories say, you know early on if someone is marriage material or not.
Shit or get off the pot. Long, drawn out engagements? For what?
Yep Silver, I want to act like the Mormons. I believe they’re on the 6 and 6 plan as well.
By the end of the first conversation, I know if I want to go out with someone.
After the first date, know if I want to give up the nookie.
Within the first month, know if it’s going to last.
By the 3rd month, can get a good idea of he can be considered long-term and for marriage.
The rest is a matter of time with things falling into place.
Extended engagements are no different than being boyfriend/girlfriend unless the finale is near.
Long term engagements are for the one’s who aren’t sure I guess. 1 year max.
You’re so smart!
Yes- that means “I don’t want to marry… YOU.” Like when women say, “I just need a little space…” … “without you in it.”
Also, you might (read: will) like this:
http://www.cs.virginia.edu/~an4m/fun/thoughtful-look
Lol @ a little space without you in it!!!
Like the link… If only common sense could be applied.