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No matter what, there are some topics dealing with sex, dating and relationships that never get old – women giving it up or holding out is certainly one of them.
This morning my frustrated-single-but-hopeful friend sent me a message telling me about her celibacy stint, proclaiming that it was actually going well and that she wondered if her cutting off one of her favorite past times would get her any closer to matrimony. She proceeds to share a “no ring, no nookie” (NRNN) success story of someone she knew who had a ring within 6 months after holding out on her guy, feigning a vow of celibacy.
6 months? Here I am at the 6 month period breathing a sigh of relief that a certain someone can get the process of divorce started. I’m beginning to feel like I may be selling myself short because I should instead, be thinking like this woman practicing the NRNN method. What the hell am I thinking???
I digress, let me bring it back.
So anyway, said woman got the ring and didn’t end up having sex with her husband until he WAS her husband – the night of their wedding.
WOW.
Don’t judge me. I realize how precious of a commodity this little box is and am all too familiar with the many sayings about women who may indulge in relations too soon, are more emotional than men and have the risk of developing more feelings than the man may have for them and any others, but here’s my take:
I don’t think it matters how long you wait to have sex.
I don’t believe there is any correlation between a woman being celibate AND chances of getting married sooner.
I don’t believe in the concept of celibacy really; it’s like trying to put the yolk back inside of an egg. It’s already been cracked, right?
If I believed that men and woman today had the type of morals from way back when where celibacy and holding out for marriage to preserve the pureness of the bond existed, I would have a much better outlook on this subject, but sadly, those types of people are quite rare.
This woman earning that hyphenated name largely because she was celibate? Definitely possible. Is this fool proof as in, should I think about this with the next person I become involved with? Mmm, not likely.
Being the flip artist that I am, I closed out this morning’s conversation by mentioning a couple of women who were wifed up quickly and often. Some not even giving their little boxes time to air out and breathe before taking on the next suitor. Case in point – Jennifer Lopez who doesn’t waste any time and has been used, licked on and filled up and passed around like an inter-office envelope.
Again, it’s probably a good idea to try and for that small percentage who are strong in faith, big on will power or LOW in libido, a fist pump in the air to you!
Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…
Carmen ~
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I have been watching The Millionaire Matchmaker, and I’m starting to give a lot of cred to Patti Stanger. She says no sex before monogamy. And I think that there may be something to that if you are interested in someone…
Alright Esme, now I’m interested in knowing what this person is about. I’ll have to look her up.
I would love to do it but my mind is telling me one thing and my box is telling me something else. Lame excuse, I know. Weak.
I guess for me it all boils down to the reasoning. Holding out because its more of a ploy to be the next Mrs.? Not so much.
Holding out because you want to make sure you’re focused on the person and not the sex? Understandable.
Good lord I could never hold out until marriage! I have to know if the sex is great, because if not, I’m out. BUT…
I have always been one to say that you can’t put a limit on sleeping with someone. In fact, when I generally wait, the relationship ends sooner. I think its because all of those guys are only looking to get laid. And if I am looking to just get laid, I have no problem jumping into bed. HOWEVER…
I’m really starting to understand where Ms. Stanger is coming from. We all meet someone, and we get the feelings of ‘this could go somewhere’. From now on, I’m not going to act sexually on those feelings. I WANT to have the connection I always here about. I want to have sex with someone who values me as a partner, and a woman. I want to know that I am going to hear from him again, if that if what I want. Since my divorce, I have never had sex with monogamy. And I am wondering if I am missing out.
“…if the sex is great, because if not, I’m out.”. I feel you E, because I’ll be on the same train.
Not that slore-type behavior such as sleeping with someone on the first date is something I would encourage, but in my er uh- younger days, I did it. A few times and guess what? I wasn’t left wondering why he never called me again nor was I dumped quickly.
In fact, quite the opposite. Of the two men I’d done that with led to relationships lasting as long as 2 and 1/2 years. Hell, I think my nookie and our amazing sexual chemistry helped.
There’s nothing wrong with waiting for a quality person, hopefully a lasting relationship if that’s what you’re after but I sometimes feel like it’s more like the waiting GAME.
Seriously, who are the ladies fooling with the 3 month or 5 date rule? Uh hello.. Men KNOW these things so what makes you think they’re just not prepared for the long stretch of the game playing and STILL have intentions of doing wrong?
Holding out on sex because someone thinks their chances of meeting a good one (based on the theory that being celibate allows you to remove what can be false feelings confused with emotions) may be better is about a plausible as someone dating a guy from church or work vs meeting them online. Get the analogy? It’s like a crap shot.
Esme, I’m going to hold you to that declaration!
The no sex before monogamy declaration? If I meet someone that I am interested in pursuing, I will give it a whirl and see how it works. I will even blog about it! But it won’t stop those ‘I just want to get laid and I’m horny’ nights. 😉
“Can’t put yolk back in the egg”- isn’t that the truth.
As always, there are extremes to the celibacy thing in either direction, so far as the reasons and if totally celibate.
Do I think it can work? Yes, as long as both agree to it.
Do I think it necessarily leads to marriage and faster? No, not really.
Do I step away from the woman who wants to claim celibacy AFTER we’ve had sex several times? Maybe.
I agree Silver- possum p*#y is what I refer to women who play that game.
Not a good move and those who start off regularly then stop as a means of trying to gain something or as punishment or retaliation? These tactics normally fail miserably.
Women actually claim celibicy AFTER they have already had sex with the someone they are dating? What the hell is the point of that?
Yeah Esme, that’s crazy! It should probably just be called abstinence if you’re no longer a virgin.
Silver, I think there is an actual defined difference between celibacy and abstinence.
I was reading up a bit on this (can you tell I’ve not given it much thought?) today and of course, got plenty of hits.
Many of those for are doing it for religious reasons, to remain pure if they’re virgins and purify themselves if they’ve already indulged.
Interestingly enough, there are plenty doing it for health reasons (some condition/disorder or due to their medication) or just can’t seem to find anyone. Those would be the involuntary participants.
Only ones who were doing it for marriage were religious.
Maybe I just like sex too much, or maybe it would make me feel like a hypocrite, but I can’t imagine saying: Baby, I know we have banged a lot. And I know it has been great. But there is no more nookie until you buy me a ring.
Why the hell would I want to marry someone I have to bribe?? Am I missing the point of witholding sex??
Yes, after. I guess those who do it after figure they can get something back or preserve?
*blank stare*
I always seems to get the deer in headlights look when this subject comes up. I agree, there isn’t a foolproof method to this. I like your thought…”I don’t believe in the concept of celibacy really; it’s like trying to put the yolk back inside of an egg. It’s already been cracked, right? “
That’s my point Mel, celibacy for marriage is not fool proof. I’ve tried it and successfully went about 6 months but my reasons were because:
1. I got tired of casual sex. I certainly didn’t need any more notches on the bed post and was going through a rough patch where the caliber of men was pretty crappy. And
2. To see if I could do it. Yep, as simple of a reason as that because I wanted to see if I had it in me to refrain from sex. I didn’t set any unrealistic time lines like a year, but took it day by day. What did I learn in the end 5 months later? That I enjoy it too much to consider doing it again and instead, would focus on being a better judge of character to make sure the men were interested in more than just a fling.
I’m wondering if this woman even did it for any reason other than appearing to be more desirable to this man she’d been involved with.
Maybe it’s me- the only thing that makes sense to me about celibacy, abstinence or whatever else its called is someone who’s never had it. A virgin.
Refraining from loose or casual sex is definitely a good thing but like you said, a woman doing this doesn’t make her that much more desirable than the next.
Thanks for that Bryan because that’s exactly what I thought.
Don’t get me wrong – I commend anyone who can do it but it just isn’t something that appeals to me.
Besides, I’d be afraid if I waited until the honeymoon to test the goods, I’d be terribly disappointed. It does happen.
Uh… Celibacy after you’ve pretty much worn it out? I don’t think so! LOL
Okay, totally exaggerating with the wear but I can see doing it because I’m freaked out about STD’s or even if I just didn’t have the urge anymore, but I’m with the others. I don’t think holding out is synonymous with wedding bells.
Well Jessie… I said I’d tried refraining from it because I needed to slow things down a bit.