The crying, dry heaves and headaches and confusion that follows have subsided.
I’ve have passed the “I don’t really want it to be over”, “perhaps we just need a break” and the “why do I feel so bad” stages.
I’ll admit it here – Saturday and Sunday were more like pre-break up moments. I’d told Rescue I was “letting him go so he could work on himself” and based on the generic/normal type of calls and texting that followed, I learned my girlfriends were right- he didn’t get it.
Rescue didn’t understand that those weren’t just words of support for his negligent, inconsistent and somewhat suspect absenteeism but instead, my punk way of saying IT’S OVER. Only I never really came out and said it.
I am now ready to tattoo those words onto my forehead.
So while he’s thinking I’m just having some post-menstrual moments, I’m crying the blues over a failed relationship. Just like he so smartly failed to communicate the space he was giving ME after our last tiff, I failed to communicate to him that for a second time, he had failed in our relationship.
This Monday and part of Tuesday? Rough. I had moments of regret for having blogged anything about this mess. Why? Fear of being judged if a miracle somehow happened making everything between us alright. I had moments of regret for not being more patient. After all, if he said he just needed to get through these next 2 or 3 weeks, is that REALLY such a long time? How patient am I of a woman who says she is completely in love with this man if a matter of weeks is a deal breaker?
Yet out of all of the moments of regret I was and am still having, the biggest of them all? Having allowed myself to become involved with someone who had a shit load of baggage.
What in the world was I thinking?
Am I desperate or something?
No, I don’t think so. I’m a good looking woman, even with the extra 20lbs or so un-strategically placed on my body. I’m fairly intelligent, both book smarts and a wealth of common sense. Although my job has a lot to be desired, it is a good job which pays fairly well and the type of work I do is well respected. I’m a great communicator, love public speaking and though I’ve only recently renewed my passport after a 20 year hiatus, I still get around across the US. On top of all of this? I’m a great Mom!
Hell, just reading that I’m feeling pretty damn good so again- why do women like ME fall and settle for men like HIM?
Just thinking about this situation and the last 8 months is making my blood pressure rise. It’s past 10pm, I have to give a speech tomorrow that I’ve not even written yet and haven’t a clue on what to wear.
My summary for tonight?
Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.