The crying, dry heaves and headaches and confusion that follows have subsided.
I’ve have passed the “I don’t really want it to be over”, “perhaps we just need a break” and the “why do I feel so bad” stages.
I’ll admit it here – Saturday and Sunday were more like pre-break up moments. I’d told Rescue I was “letting him go so he could work on himself” and based on the generic/normal type of calls and texting that followed, I learned my girlfriends were right- he didn’t get it.
Rescue didn’t understand that those weren’t just words of support for his negligent, inconsistent and somewhat suspect absenteeism but instead, my punk way of saying IT’S OVER. Only I never really came out and said it.
I am now ready to tattoo those words onto my forehead.
So while he’s thinking I’m just having some post-menstrual moments, I’m crying the blues over a failed relationship. Just like he so smartly failed to communicate the space he was giving ME after our last tiff, I failed to communicate to him that for a second time, he had failed in our relationship.
This Monday and part of Tuesday? Rough. I had moments of regret for having blogged anything about this mess. Why? Fear of being judged if a miracle somehow happened making everything between us alright. I had moments of regret for not being more patient. After all, if he said he just needed to get through these next 2 or 3 weeks, is that REALLY such a long time? How patient am I of a woman who says she is completely in love with this man if a matter of weeks is a deal breaker?
Yet out of all of the moments of regret I was and am still having, the biggest of them all? Having allowed myself to become involved with someone who had a shit load of baggage.
What in the world was I thinking?
Am I desperate or something?
No, I don’t think so. I’m a good looking woman, even with the extra 20lbs or so un-strategically placed on my body. I’m fairly intelligent, both book smarts and a wealth of common sense. Although my job has a lot to be desired, it is a good job which pays fairly well and the type of work I do is well respected. I’m a great communicator, love public speaking and though I’ve only recently renewed my passport after a 20 year hiatus, I still get around across the US. On top of all of this? I’m a great Mom!
Hell, just reading that I’m feeling pretty damn good so again- why do women like ME fall and settle for men like HIM?
Just thinking about this situation and the last 8 months is making my blood pressure rise. It’s past 10pm, I have to give a speech tomorrow that I’ve not even written yet and haven’t a clue on what to wear.
My summary for tonight?
Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.
Hey suga! Many of us have been through this so no shame or regret, ok? Someone suggested a book to me earlier this year and I tell ya, it really open my eyes to be able to see how some of the most seemingly subtle occurrences are actually screaming that there’s something we need to tweak. I think there’s some info on the web about it as well — He’s Scared, She’s Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships. I think it’s worth a look :-).
Hang in there, chica! May the love, honesty and happiness you deserve quickly reside where it should…in your heart.
Mel, your feedback is truly inspirational.
Never judgmental, just understanding and thought provoking.
Thank you for being one of those to offer ways to help, insight and different perspectives and most importantly – hope for the best outcome for ME.
Whatever that may be.
Fuck him indeed 🙂
Goodness, I’m addicted reading backwards!! I’ve been so self absorbed dealing with my own issues with my relationship, I have been out of the loop.
Rescue really had a lot of chances.
I like what the one lady commented above because it sounds so positive and empowering. Basically telling you not to beat yourself up over anything.
O feel your pain in the words that you wrote here and can see the transition from disappointed, to hurt, to angry and finality (if that’s even a word).
Oh well, sucks to be him.
No problem Jessie! If you’re addicted, I’m your pusher.
Sorry for you or anyone else going through relationship blues.
The shit sucks. In a major way.
Yes- the emotional stages are/were pretty extreme which is why I felt like I was starting to lose my damn mind!!!!