My Saturday was a blast!
The feedback I received after speaking in front of over 100 people? Fantastic. The audience thanking me afterwards AND asking for photos with me? Awesome. The stop to IHOP with my two girls, Thelma and Louise? Good times!
As the three of us sat in the booth, annoying the hell out of the other patrons, recanting the highlights of the day, we suddenly turned our attention to Thelma. I asked her what the latest was with her friend who had recently been upgraded to not-quite-a-boyfriend, and when her face lit up with that fabulous smile, we knew the answer.
Things were progressing well. Very well.
You see, Thelma is a prime example that dating hangovers are rampant no matter what age you are stuck dating in. Having recently turned 62, she is the ultimate pillar of physical fitness, currently training for her second 10k marathon and is in the prime of her life.
This beautiful Latina is muy caliente!
She has dealt with the men who want all of the perks without commitment, moaned about going on the dates that seemingly went very well only to have the man suddenly lose interest and fall off the communication radar. Now, Thelma finally has something wonderful – a great man in her life. He is compassionate, caring, respectful and supportive (especially financially), chivalrous and loves to spoil her. BUT there’s this one thing – his penis.
In case there’s any confusion, go back and read the “in the prime of her life” line again which means yes, she’s trying to get her hair blown back. A woman’s hormones don’t decrease as we age (at least not the women in my circle), in fact, it seems as if they only intensify.
You could only hope to meet the type of man who seems to meet each and every need, to the point you’d consider relocating to be with him. But problems with the penis?
Life is so unfair.
So as we sat munching on our sirloin tips, pancakes smothered in old-fashioned syrup and scrambled eggs, the conversation about “he’s great but” started as we asked Louise and I asked “What could be so wrong with his penis?”
Thelma says “We haven’t gone past 3rd base because he wouldn’t wear a condom”. She explained that after the first time they got all hot and heavy and she waited for that pause, it never happened. You know which pause- where the guy says “Hold on” and reaches for his condom.
Never happened that time, or the second.
At first, she figured he was so nonchalant about trying to have sex without the condom because she’s beyond child-bearing years but HELLO – we all laughed when I said “To hell with worrying about pregnancy, you don’t want your va-jay-jay bubbling up” as the reason she’s concerned.
Thelma finally had to ask her Mr. Wonderful straight up – “Do you ever use condoms?” and he replied no, adding he had difficulty using them because they’re uncomfortable and slip off. Huh?
Thinking back that he is a fairly decent size, so that can’t be it so finally she asks if he’s uncircumsized. Bingo!
Forgive our ignorance but this is unfamiliar territory. We sat there trying to picture the difficulty, making comparisons using the forks and napkins. What does that extra foreskin (aside from that droopy-sock look) have to do with the comfort of a condom so what do I do?
Google it of course and man oh, man. The articles found were quite interesting and as we all heckled like a bunch of silly school girls, I continued reading more into a particular blog thread that was pretty specific on what the problem was. Suddenly our “Ha Ha” went to “Poor things”.
Reading excerpts such as this actually made me a little sympathetic:
“Pull the foreskin back when putting on the condom… But then during sex, the condom and outer skin move up… the condom may even be pulled off…pulling the foreskin up to cover the head, and then applying the condom over that…. but introduces new problems… sensation is substantially reduced, and there is now a possibility of “poking through”.
Life is so unfair. What do we tell our poor Thelma? How does she satisfy her urge for some good, mind blowing sex and work around her “No glove, no love” mantra?
The man is amazing in her eyes and couldn’t have come into her life at a better time.
It’s situations like this where I reaffirm what I always believed in – waiting too long (until you’re really emotionally attached) IF sex is important to you can lead to some major issues when he or she can’t meet your sexpectations.
I guess for Thelma, it’ll be the female condom. Or find some other work around for a pig in a blanket.
I’m happy she’s no longer experiencing the dating hangovers but damn…