Oh how I love the random posts found on Facebook, and today’s came in the form of “Question of the Day”. Why a married woman is interested in knowing this is beyond me unless she’s just curious, but the responses shared is what piqued my interest.
Ground breaking? No. New revelations not previously known? Of course not. Was I surprised that nearly all of the respondents were women? Absolutely, positively not.
Here are a few…
– “Living in Atlanta!”. I’ve heard this many times before from friends who live there, as well as from media reports. The ratio of men to women in this ‘hot spot’ is ridiculously unbalanced and I was even told that I should never consider moving there unless I was coming with a beau or husband in tow. Even then, I better beware because of the barracudas that would be ready to pounce on that new meat!
– “A woman not telling you what she really wants and one who will be the same person before and after sex”. This man even added that women seem to be bipolar, ever changing in personalities. I completely agree and have always made it a point to tell the men I meet if I am ready for marriage, a carriage and a picket fence or just an activity and fun buddy.
– “Finding a man who actually wants to DATE”. This is a big one because some people have lost the concept of dating. Asking “can I come through and kick it” or “Let’s hang out” is NOT dating. It’s hanging out or fuc*ing, nothing more.
– “The I don’t need a man type of woman”. Fair enough, there are plenty of women out there but come on fellas, many of them are full of it. It’s bad enough these types of women have likely been doing it on their own, been in bad dating situations and single for so long to the point where they might act like this. The reality is that while many will prance around singing silly songs like “Independent Woman”, when the partying, wine tasting and books club meetings are over, they’re taking their lonely butts home crying in a pillow wishing it was a man instead. Mainly fronting, but I agree – this type of woman can be a complete turn off!
– “Folks keeping it real”. As much as I hate hearing this phrase, it is a reality. The reply I just posted to this thread said there were two main reasons for the dating woes – dishonesty and separate agendas. What is the number one complaint from someone when they say why things didn’t work out? “I didn’t know…” Or “He/She never told me…”. Someone either “forgot” or failed to fess up about a girlfriend/boyfriend, wife, kid(s), that car or home they really don’t have, they really don’t like kids, not interested in a relationship/are interested in a relationship, want marriage/don’t want marriage etc… The separate agendas can be closely tied with the first reason, because when you’re not up front with each other your are most certainly going to be expecting two different results.
– “How about just GETTING a date?”. Yep, I’m feeling this one too. Why are so many people resorting to online dating, versus meeting men and women organically? I can testify to the affect that some men have forgotten how it works. Seriously, it’s like they’re wondering what should happen if you see a woman you would like to get to know. Just last week while out having drinks, my girl Kim and I noticed clusters of men at a local spot and she says “I don’t get it; all of these men just standing around in circles. They are glancing around at women, and you can tell some of them are interested but no one is making a move”. Now of course, the reasons can range from them being married or in relationships and are just “lookie loos”. Or maybe they’re waiting for that right moment, eye contact or whatever. What does it take for them to actually walk over to a woman, say hello and strike up a conversation? It’s like they’re stuck or something. In fact, the very next day I had a man approach me and say “You are extremely attractive; I have been watching you all day and finally had to come over and tell you this…”. Really? All day? Sigh.
How about this as a solution to the dating woes?
The next time any of us in the single bucket meets up with a person, take your list of “10 Things I hate About Dating” with you and swap list. I know, I know – then doesn’t allow for very much so you better make them the good ones and most important. My theory is if the two of you have similar items OR can agree on at least half of what the other wrote, you might have a chance.
IF instead you are giving each other the stinky eye that says “What’s wrong with that” or “That’s stupid, this is how we are”, it is safe to say that you’re better off moving on.
Sounds elementary, but let’s face it- all of these adult men and women who think they have gained wisdom in their years are completely clueless when it comes to dating.
Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…
Carmen
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I looked this over before replying, trying to see what major issues I could add, but I think your two reasons lumped them altogether. Not being truthful and different directions pretty much sums it up.
I was going to say “crazy women” but since most of them know they’re off their rockers, that would fit in the category of not being truthful.
On a side note, maybe I need to relocate to the ATL. *wink*
I knew there was one missing – baggage. Time after time, a woman has taken me from hot and heavy to cold and limp because of some unresolved issues from her past. I’m talking anything from her childhood, bad dealings with family and especially with men.
If you’re ever dealing with someone who has never worked in those issues, it is a never ending battle because you’ll always be “one of them” in their eyes.
That’s right Kendall! I don’t know if you’ve ever hear “Bag Lady” by Erykah Badu, but whenever I hear it, I think of the woman carrying too much baggage.
Deal with your issues before you try dating or being with someone.
This post is interesting yet so simple. While, I agree dating can be hard and there may be obstacles, sometimes an excuse is just an excuse. Engage people that are reflection of you and you will see how quickly you can weed them out and find who you are looking for.
Indeed it is so simple Dwight, and perhaps you have been wrapped in the bliss of a harmonious relationship, having been left unscathed by any imposters, that topics like this seem, perhaps, a little too simple.
I’m happy for you and others who met up with another individual who, as you say, was a reflection of you. The reality of dating is that only a small percentage of people experience this.
Why do you think there are so many dating web sites, blogs, forums, ecards, and jokes about it? Simple. It is simple but as I say all of the time, people make it difficult.
In fact, with the exception of any hangovers I have been involved with, many of the men I had actually been in a relationship with (as opposed to just dating or glorifying a fuc_ buddy situation with), started out that way – great reflections. They were attentive, considerate and promising. Here’s the problem- they were showing me their representatives. The true man surfaced months later.
These types of concerns mentioned in this post were mainly light humored, but at the end of the day are bonified reasons that many can relate to which explain why dating can be so frustrating.
Descriptions of what types of people a single person may be compatible with and things to look for are always helpful. However, people will show what they want to show. Sometimes the REAL comes through and can be dealt with, other times it can’t.
Does emotionally scarred count as having baggage? The person I was involved with recently had been emotionally/verbally abused by two different women in long term relationships, so like someone else mentioned in the reasons why, he was a nightmare to date. Dating is supposed to be fun, opportunities to meet new people, try new things. Instead it turns into a never ending battle of good (normally me) and evil (normally the men I meet).
Hi Marie and welcome back!
Most definitely, emotional baggage is MAJOR!
My ex, Mr. Jekyl was the poster child of emotionally damaged goods. His mother was the first of many women who screwed him over in life, followed by his daughter’s mother and on and on.
Trust issues resulted and along came a butterfly (Me) into the web of a tarantula. I could be the sweetest, most engaging, supportive, and encouraging partner he had ever met, but his demons/baggage blocked all of the good.
The sad part is that many people don’t even recognize what baggage is.
You mentioned your ex was abused; was counseling tried or did you just press the release button and parachute yourself to safety?
Carmen, I offered TWICE to work with him and suggested therapy and the first time it resulted in the worst argument ever where so many hurtful things were thrown back and forth. The second time he was at least receptive to getting help for all the crazy stuff his ex’s had done to him but said he could work through it on his own.
After that, I left it AND him alone. As much as I want the relationship perks I’m sure as heck not willing to go through sand storms to get to it.
Well…. You cared enough to try so I understand.
Just think- there’s another person probably out in the dating world with some serious issues, waiting to wreck havor in someone else’s life!
It’s so hard because we make it that way and it almost seems like a game of survival of the fittest.
The real question is why does it seem to get harder the older you get?? You would think the opposite since we’re ‘wiser’ and know what we want.
@Anonymous, you’re absolutely right and that was the consensus of the thread that prompted this – simple and made complicated by US.
As for the dating, I’ll probably throw something together for shits and giggles about dating as we age.
I don’t know what age range you’re in, but I’m pretty certain that my group (35-40 yrs) has it the worst!
For women, we’re at that point where we may have been married before or had children, looking for that second round or new start.
For men? I’m overstepping my boundaries here but will go out on a limb and say what I presume to be at the age where they too may have had the marriage or long term relationship. The difference? They’re likely looking to breathe a little, date and explore. I don’t know, just a hunch based on what myself and other women alike are experiencing.