Ready, set, LAUGH!

Before I can even go into all of the things that went running through my mind when picking a dating web and signing up, I have to say the experts are wrong.

They say that only the good, well written, and carefully thought out profiles are noticed the most. I’m going to have to say no, no, and no.

The ones that stand out like that yellow and black tape at a crime scene are the ones that stand out and for the life of me, I can’t understand why those are the ones making the most contact. They say you are what you attract, right? Since this seems to be the opposite, perhaps I should switch up things to match the a-holes and then I would attract the good ones? I’m just saying.

I have been struck with a bad case of the cooties (stomach flu) and haven’t been back online since setting up my account, but thanks to email alerts, I’ve received several interests and messages. It wasn’t until today, however, that I mustered up all my strength and will (insert violins here) to click and open one. What the hell? Is this a joke? This can’t be real? LOL; all in that order is what followed.

Seriously, what are these douche bags thinking when setting up their profiles?? More than that, I’m actually a little pissed off because I actually took my time AND put thought into creating my own. How do they look at what I wrote, knowing their information wouldn’t get a second glance in a search by more than 90% of the women and think “Ooh yeah, let me go for HER!”? Why aren’t these dating sites getting craftier with the process??

I guess all of this means until I become the mastermind to come up with the solution to match assholes with other assholes and match the rare finds like myself (oh yes I did) with the other rare find, I’m stuck.

Still, I think there’s room for lots of improvement when it comes to the profiles in general. Again, I think a little creativity would scare half of these people online away if being challenged at what is being asked at the point of sign up.

Yes, there’s always the basic information nearly all of these dating sites will ask for such as gender, orientation, what you’re seeking, hobbies, books and all that jazz but let’s spruce it up a bit.

Let’s take for instance, Gender.

What’s funny is this was the FIRST question and the first one that took me a minute before answering. Not because I have questions of what I am (last time I checked, there were no hanging appendages), but because I was expecting a qualifying question after it. You know, something like “were you born a female” or “are you in the process of changing into a female” or better yet, I thought that drop down menu was going to have a “decline to state”.

Next we could make orientation a little more interesting. Yes, this was another easy one for me but when thinking about the types of men I have met (both online and organically), I expected to see a few more options other than “straight” or “gay”. How about adding bisexual, unsure and again, decline to state or “sometimes I’m straight around friends and family, gay around college buddies”. Surely this would weed a lot of people out if given the option to state the REAL deal.

Are you feeling that I’m a little skeptical about my options already?

Okay, so after making it through the first round of questions, I’m taken into the next area that tries to use lame questions to begin determining who is a good match and who isn’t. Here is where there is opportunity for improvement because some of these can be expanded upon allowing the poor victim to get a more accurate depiction of their Romeo or Juliet.

Here’s another, the question about your drinking habits which usually include choices such as:

A. not a drinker
B. drink occasionally
C. social drinker
D. drink several times a week

We all know that most people are going to reply to B or C, knowing good and damn well they are grossly down playing how often they’re kissing that bottle of Jack Daniels or Grey Goose. Instead, maybe it should ask something like:

A. How often do you find yourself waking up and not remembering anything
B. How many times you’ve blown a .12 or higher
Or (yes, this has happened)
C. How many mandatory classes you’ve been ordered to take?

I’m just saying… the types of questions presented for online dating profiles should ALL be based on real life situations, actual thoughts etc…

I must say this, however; I was pleasantly surprised by seeing one that was pretty direct for the “What are you seeking” question and along with short-term and long-term dating and activity partner was Fuc_ buddy!

Okay, not exactly but it did list CASUAL SEX as an option! Shut the front door! Really? Now this should be a no brainer for anyone looking for long walks on the beach and a ring in six months and they receive a message of interest from Jack Boner who’s profile says “Magnum, XXL”.

What I have found is that all of these sites offer something for a particular type of clientele. Plenty of Fish, for instance makes their questions really basic, you know, for basic people. The toughest profile question they offer might be something like “I know Los Angeles is in California”. eHarmony may have something a little more challenging for the ‘serious’ daters they hope to attract so their question might be “10,000 ways to avoid being caught in a lie” and of course, require ten steps before you can access and read the question, followed by twenty clicks before revealing the answer.

Toughen up the questions, make people reveal a little more and hopefully help in weeding out the good ones, from the maybe’s from the hell no’s.

Assuming people are truthful, of course…

Alright, rant is over. Now, it is with great pleasure that I share one of the profiles I have just received notice from who (gasp) chose ME. Ladies and gentlemen, please meet, Captain Douchero:

His summary: “Hey there babe, buy me a drink.”

About him and what he wants in life: “I don’t really wear glasses. I’m really good at
Running to the future.”

Something people notice about him: “I’m running right past them. So – a fast blur?”

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food: “THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD!”

What you might find me doing on a Friday night: ” I am naked in the back of a police car.”

Something I’m willing to share: “There’s a sex tape or two of me with a blow up doll floating around on the internet; I’m a republican, I lost my virginity when I was 28, to my sisters best friend, in the back seat of a police car, at night…”

Need I say more?

Now obviously, some of these answers are in jest as this man makes a mockery of the dating profile. Could he actually be an interestingly great guy with an odd sense of humor? Sure. Am I willing to take a chance based on what I’ve read to find out? Absolutely not.

Until there’s a cure…

I’m back!