For some reason, I have tried to convince myself that being more flexible and allowing for change in life will often result in good. Yet when it comes to dating and my relationships, this thought process always backfires and causes more headache than is worth. Some people often tell me that I'm a bit too extreme especially when it comes to men, and the "you should at least keep him as a friend" bullshit comes up. If I started out being interested in someone for relationship potential and things don't work out, what's the point?
Now I'm not talking about the person you may have spent a lot of time with, learned to like a lot after getting to know each other marvelously, or may have built some great business or activity-related alliances with. I'm talking about the 2 week in, no major investment of anything except for exceeding your texting data plan or the one you really wanted to make it work with, but you didn't feel anything for that person. Balance has just solidified my reasons for telling a man sorry - no we can't be friends. In a matter of a week and a half, he has managed to go from me looking forward to a good morning or random afternoon text, to wondering if I need to take a mean bitch approach to shut him down once and for all.
That last night we were together is when Balance asked "Well can we be friends?". This was aptly timed after he accepted that no matter how cool we seemed to get along, he just didn't do it for me physically. I really don't believe I have ever had a man tell ME how I felt about HIM in a way that wasn't good, so how did I reply? By saying (convincingly, so I thought)that the stories of people ending up with great in relationships falling madly in love in the absence of attraction in the beginning, were believable.
How well did that go over? Not very well at all and when I told Balance no, trying to just be friends isn't what I want to do, he sat across from me pleading his case. A desperate sounding man is so unattractive, and while I can't say that I blame him for wanting to be acquainted with me, I already knew "just friends" wouldn't work for more than one reason.
For one, here's my theory on interactions with someone you just met and started dating: after just a few outings, you are NOT friends. Sure, he and I enjoyed conversations, text banter and laughs while in each other's company, but we are not friends. Secondly, trying to be friends (more like settling) doesn't work when someone is more interested in the other. Balance thought of me as the best future wife and baby maker he had encountered in a while. He was very open about his feelings for me and how attractive he thought I was, at one point saying he couldn't wait to go to sleep looking at me, and awake to my face and body as well. My feelings towards him? He has a nice set of teeth.
So you mean to tell me that a man who thinks I'm a Greek Goddess will settle for just friends? Liar. A third reason the "just friends" isn't going to fly is because Balance felt the need to remind me that we were friends. Often. Here is where the annoying and childish insecurities come in, where he would say some shit like "Yeah, the guy who was only good enough to be your friend" or "What's up homegirl?" or my favorite - "So can we be friends on Facebook now?". I guess he figures a constant reminder that we are now beyond the dating phase will maybe have me realize I'm really missing out on a great guy. His request for Facebook was ignored. My fourth reason and probably the one that turned me off the most, was how comfortable Balance suddenly became. The text messages and phone calls were edgier, with a lot more slang. I would joke and tell him the South LA/Inglewood in him was coming out, but he was really starting to become too comfortable. A few days ago he sends me this EXPLICIT text message about a dream he had involving me, my mouth and his sperm. Shortly after, he adds a finishing touch to his stupid text by forwarding a pornographic photo. I replied back "Too far" and realized this was the REAL guy, unmasked being revealed. He figured being on his best behavior was no longer needed since we are "just friends".
See, I'm not a cutthroat just to be spiteful - there's always a reason for my actions. When a man asks to be friends, he either wants to be FWB's OR will secretly hope that a woman will come around and agree to something more. Of course, he really may want a platonic friendship, but in my case, its clear where this hangover's mind is. I'm sure a few of Balance's infractions have been ommitted, but by far, the WORST and most pitiful display of a man demonstrating the immature I'm-great-but-you-didn't-want-me-and-I'm-going-to-make-you-want-me action took place on Tuesday. He sends me a series of text messages -pictures of different engagement rings and wedding bands. When I replied (took the bait) with a question mark, he said since we're "cool friends" he wanted to share his secret obsession and pictures of engagement rings he's been collecting for years. Balance added the creme and sugar to his bullshit by saying how much he knows about the quality of diamonds, cuts, styles and more, all because he wants the woman to be in love with the ring as much as she is with him.
Wow. I'm done, he has been deleted. Next.
You already know...
I’m glad this post ended with “Deleted. Next” – I think that sounds like a wise decision. Cutting contact with this guy doesn’t make you a mean bitch. You’re not obliged to stay in touch with anyone, for any reason, if you don’t feel like it. If people try to make you feel bad for not wanting to be in touch then they sound like they’re not worth being in touch with! And if they try to mess with your mind so that you’ll engage with them, even if you’re just engaging to beat their arguments with your superior wit, then deleting sounds all the better.
Without wishing to offend you, I will admit that I’ve worried before that some of your continued contact with former dates/lovers might be distracting you from finding a guy who is a really good fit for you – a guy who doesn’t come with the awkwardness of already not working out well before. I think a bit more of the cut-all-contact-forever approach might be helpful at times. I hope to read about a fresh new good prospect soon!
Dearest Matt, I learn from these experiences and from commenters. I think it’s safe to say that through all of the drama with men, I have developed leather skin. As such, I don’t think I can be offended.
You’re absolutely right about the not letting go and cutting ties.
I mentioned at the beginning of this post and a few weeks ago I believe, how I have deviated from my norm over the last couple of years.
I have never given an ex a second chance until Rescue almost 2 years ago now.
I have never tried to be just friends if the dating part didn’t pan out until Special Agent, USBC and a few others until about 2 years ago.
I’m not sure what changed, but I am learning self-correction.
Sure, my heart still feels that pang for Rescue but I have weaned myself from him. Completely. I rely on Lady Cici if needed, so its been about 5 months since I’ve seen him.
The beautiful thing about men like you, is you learned there was a source to vent and learn. I’m sure you would agree that blogging and sharing dating experiences has somehow helped you succeed in the relationship bliss you have today.
Saying all of this to say this – don’t ever worry about offending me. Write what you feel, I’ll be forever grateful for it.
Who sends pictures of rings to a “friend”? This dude was throwing it in your face and rubbing it in that you were missing the boat.
I think you’re right about the types of circumstances where a man and a woman can just be friends, because there’s normally going to be one party who really isn’t okay with being nothing more.
Sorry things didn’t work out with this dude, but from the sounds of it, that may not be such a bad thing.
Kendall don’t apologize – give me a high five!
I recognized the game he would be playing, though I have to admit – the text messages of the rings threw me for a loop.
You’re right – who does that??!!
I know you weren’t necessarily listing reasons in general why being just friends after involvement with someone woudln’t work, but IMO, here’s a main reason: it slows down your ability to move on. If I’m still in touch with a man I was really into, that makes it harder to move on. Feelings don’t just turn off like a water faucet. I say make a clean break and move on!
If only feelings could be like a faucet – there would be tons of salvaged feelings and hearts.
I took a moment to recall if I’ve done the “break-up, let’s be friends” thing and came up blank.
The only reason I can see why someone may want to maintain ties is if there are compelling reasons. Children together, close with each other’s friends or family. I guess, but like you said – someone is pining for more in these situations normally.
Wow is right! Sending you photopgraphs of engagement rings is just spooky. He probably had one ready for you already.
Carmen, as much as you would like to be involved with a good man, you realize the importance of not selling yourself short AND recognizing the signs if someone isnt for you.
Like someone said above, your feelings don’t go away or dissolve overnight, so this dude was fooling himself. The way you describe his feelings (or what he says he felt), there’s no way being friends only would have satisfied him.
Young, middle aged or old- you can’t escape certain types of men. Friendship only after being with somebody espcecially if we had sex won’t work.
Girl-we have SO much to catch up on…I had to start a new blog because of it!
I love the fact that you haven’t seen Rescue in five months! Yay! Long distance high five!! I know what those ‘pangs’ feel like, but awesome for staying strong.
And I heart even more that you cut ties instead of staying ‘friends’. I have met some amazing people dating, and I have stayed friends with several of them. But I think that is rare. And I sure as hell won’t be doing it again. Out with the old, in with the new 🙂