It was just a few days ago when I was sharing my happiness after having a pretty good date, a mid-week first meeting at that. But you should also remember that the word “cautiously” was somewhere between happiness at the same time, and since Untitled (the hangover I couldn’t think of a name for) decided to open up page 1 of the guys book on dating, here I am giving an update. More like an exit statement.
Untitled chose to follow the unofficial wait-two-days-after-a-date-to-contact-her approach, so obviously there really isn’t that much for me to rant about now. Why do men do this? When to call a woman after a date is just one of many unofficial rules of dating, this one from the book written by men.
I don’t get some men and fortunately, this doesn’t happen to me often because hell – I’m just that fabulous.
Now it is certainly possible that while this guy was enjoying good conversation, stomach-tightening laughter, all while eyeing my soft and supple lips he also could have been thinking “I can’t wait for this night to be over, she’s not my type.” If this was the case, he went against the rules he and I had established before meeting where we agreed to tell each other before the date was over whether it was a green light and move ahead, or a red light and nice knowing you type of meet up. Instead, Untitled told me over and over how glad he was to have met me, blah blah blah.
Will someone please slap me upside my head if my logic is wrong here – boy meets girl, boy likes girl. Boy is interested in getting to know girl better, so boy will either text (not the best, but acceptable) or call (he’s a winner) the next day even if it is just to shoot the shit. This lets a woman know he’s interested and would like to continue communicating with her, that he wants to proceed through the dating phases. Why should anyone have to wonder?
The winner I went out with decided not to do anything, so after the second day I decided to be the adult and while at work sent a good morning and asked something about his son we discussed during our date. Untitled replied a few hours later, but that was it. Okay, I get the message and that was pretty much it for me.
The next day he sends a “Hey, what’s up” to which I replied, “Hey, definitely not you”. Alright, so that’s what my mind was saying while I replied back with “Nothing much, just working”. I wasn’t interested in engaging in a conversation via text, especially since Untitled had a bit of a shaking beginning for us to even get to the point of meeting. He sent another text on Friday morning, then again that evening (none of which were really talking about anything), and finally I stopped responding.
Earlier today I did what I probably shouldn’t have done, which was sending a text message that said “Is this your idea of communicating with a woman or perhaps you’re just not interested….”. Yes, I went there and could careless what a man thinks something like this being sent.
Dating really isn’t something that requires a degree in molecular biology, there aren’t any cosmic circumstances that need to be present for it to take place and happen in a way that makes for a win-win situation. It is the actions of immature, clueless or stupid people who create issues and cause the types of frustrations that make you want to say to hell with it all. Why? Men and women and they’re ridiculous rules; the types of rules we may think are clever and will eventually get a member of the opposite sex to conform and do what we want, when in actuality our rules make things a lot worse. Such is the case when a man or a woman waits some predetermined period of time before following up with each other.
Since this being only about the second or third time TOTAL in all of my years of dating where a man has met me and didn’t feel inclined to call me immediately after to comment on how great it was or how they couldn’t wait to see me again, I’m perplexed and annoyed at the same time. But hey, it is what it is. I don’t need to talk or blog about this hangover anymore because as much as I had shared with him leading up to our meeting about how important communication was, there’s no need to try hammering in the concept to this man because he doesn’t want to get it.
Yet another difference between Carmen and the average woman – accept the reality of how someone is, don’t try to lecture or change them and move the hell on.
Next up on the schedule – a possible date with an older man.
Until there’s a cure for the hangovers,
Carmen Jones
myhangovers@gmail.com
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Sorry to hear this. I don’t think that there are any universal rules in dating, but the fact that he’d actually made an agreement with you about communication means that it really sucks that he didn’t stick to it. Showing inconsistency and unreliability is especially damaging in online dating because it plays into all the stereotypes and frustrations which already come with that territory.
Having said all that, I will offer one thought based on a previous experience of mine, which you’re welcome to consider or not. I went on a date with someone I’d met online (this was many years ago) and for me the date went pretty well but not amazingly. At the end, she said “if you like me and want to see me again then text me later. If not then don’t and I’ll have my answer.” I agreed, but later realised that this felt quite all-or-nothing. I liked her, I was interested in trying a second date, but I didn’t know whether it would lead to more. I texted her, and we went on a second date but I think she thought that I must therefore be really keen. Unfortunately during the second date I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t going to work for me. I tried to explain this to her gently at the end of the date. She was Not At All Pleased and blamed me for mixed messages and for creating too big a gap between the two dates (seven days.) I felt that she’d been boxing me into a corner, as if I had to commit quickly to thinking she was awesome, or get the hell out.
Thanks for your insight, Matt and while there probably isn’t a universal rule, let’s say there may be a regional rule.
Interestingly enough, this guy and I had the same conversation before our meet up/date. We both agreed that it woud be said right before departing if a connection or interest seemed to be missing.
That wasn’t needed in our case, since while we were walking out all he could do was gush about how great I looked, and that a down to earth woman was a hard find.
As of yesterday, Untitled contacted me- via text of course. There is no greater blow to an ego than asking “Who is this?”. A response that screams DELETED number, so of course he was a little shocked and questioned if he should still contact me. I replied no, since he hadn’t shown any real interest.
Do you know what he sends back? An admonishment that I should understand that some “people” are just busy and accept that they text more than they talk. Really? I’ll pass on that type. It annoys the shit out of me and I won’t be forced to accept it.
I guess the consolation here is that HE just prefers a different type of communication. That’s cool, and there’s a woman out there who likes how he does things. I’m guessing by his 2+ year single status that he gets a hit once in a while.
You found me out!
No, but seriously there’s some truth to what you’re saying in both cases. Since there are so many women we may come across who make it seem like a dude is simping or is too eager if he calls right away, some men may be a little lax in following up afterwards.
Yet at the same time, we shouldn’t apply the one shoe fits all approach, since I’m sure there have probably been some great opportunities with women I’ve messed up by not calling for a couple of days.
No one wants to play the fool or feel like one, but I agree- both men and women need to cut out the strategic game playing and just say what we feel.
Oh and Carmen- next time don’t send a message. Just ignore. 🙂
Kendall, I’m working on that no response thing but I usually have to get the last word in.
Unofficial rule or not, this happens more often than it should and the sad part? Men think nothing of it and figure since you’ve just met there’s no cause for anyone to react a certain way about pretty much everything.
I’ve experienced it more than I care to admit and some call, others you don’t hear from again or if you do, months later with some bs about having lost your number.
The “lost your number” is a classic response for losers, both men and women alike.
For one, if we met from an online dating site, more than likely someone still has the account. How difficult is it to log on and go to messages and get that number?
Also, if we’ve been talking for a few weeks it is likely we’ve exchanged an email or two so hello – there is a way.
Excuses for silly dating habits.
Lame, just plain lame. I tend to follow the “if you’re interested, show it” motto. All of the silly mind games are tiring.
Marie, mind games is right. As I stated before, if people could set aside their egos and fears, more positive situations with each other would surely result.
Here’s to your date with the older man! It’s been my experience that they are too mature for games, and if they like you, they let you know. My b/f is 17 yrs older than I. From what I can tell, I’m just a little older than you Carmen, so that should give you an idea of where we are at agewise. We have been dating for about a year and a half : ) I know not all men are the same, but I’ve never been treated better in my life. To be honest, he looks younger, but that doesn’t matter. His actions have always been upfront. He likes me (well we are at the love stage now : )), has no problem telling me that and has always put me first in our relationship. I’m sure that the way he treats me isn’t all because he’s older either, and that he just genuinely is that type of caring person, but I can’t help but wonder if maturity plays a part too. Anyway, have fun and as always I’m rooting for you!
Wowsers! 17 years? So of course I’m curious as all get out how you two met and what the (if any) major obstacles were in the beginning.
I agree that an older man is likely to be above the game playing. He’s been there, done that and probably has more battle scars than raving memories about his days as a womanizing player.
For me, as long as we’re not talking about someone who is geriatric, with several knee replacements, I’m considerably open to the possibilities.
It’s just that I feel like there are so many bad black eye peas to sort through, before I’ve found the ones good enough to go into the pot.
I appreciate your feedback Traci and of course, thanks for being on Team Carmen!
Definitely and unofficial rule and I’m going to go on a limb by saying the young and inexperienced cats are the offenders.
I don’t get it when men do this or women either. Waiting period, whether your waiting to be contacted or waiting to contact someone.
I think someone else said it – if you’re interested, you stop the bs and let him or her know.
I know Silver; in the words of Lauryn Hill “it could all be so simple, but we’d rather make it hard”.
Waiting to call is just yet another silly rule that men seem to follow, but come on – grow the eff up!
Women are just as guilty with our rules such as how long to wait before kissing or giving it up.
Each situation (no matter how similar in the end) with a person is different.
Showing that youre interested by following up is not a sign of de desperation or creepyness – calling or texting excessively is.
Anonymous, I agree – it is silly but for some reason it seems that the rules either sex makes to protect themselves from looking a fool, end up making themselves looking like fools.
I really wonder how the no call rule came up. Did some guy call a female a few hours later and she say “We just saw each other, what do you want?”
In any event, I don’t want to get beyond what actually may have happened with me – I met up with a guy who just wasn’t into me. He sat there and acted as if he was, but had interests somewhere else.
Oh well… No time to ponder anymore.
On to the next…