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If I Had My Way

If I Had My Way

Sometimes I tend to think too much and as one of my former hangovers used to joke, if Carmen is thinking, you better watch out.  Do you ever have those moments where  your brain just seems like it is on overload, and instead of going through the motions you tend to think a little TOO much?  I have moments when I want to just do it, not over think and if I had my way, I would do more to enoy the moments.

For instance, this past Sunday I had a minor setback and paid a visit to Rescue.  While I certainly enjoyed pouncing on his face and working him over like a cat in heat, afterwards I had admonished myself for finally responding to his sexual advances instead of relishing in the bliss of  the physical exhaustion that followed.  If I had my way, I would be able to indulge in these types of passion-filled moments without a conscience, missing any type of emotional connection or feelings afterwards.

Then today, I started thinking some more about this whole online dating situation;  in fact, dating in general and recalled a conversation I had with last week’s date.  He told me while he had been on this dating site off an on for almost a year, he hadn’t given up and figured you get out of it what you put in.  Have I really put forth any real effort?  Nope, not really.  So this evening I sat down and did some real browsing, as in from an actual computer and not the microscopic screen of my Blackberry and guess what happened? 

I started  to realize how much of an awful mess the a lot of these profiles really are.  I’m not overthinking anything, and have shamelessly resorted to sharing some of them (aptly titled Joke of the Day) with a few of my girlfriends.  Man, I have seen some doosies this week and today is only Tuesday!

I’ve though about creating my own dating site, but figured the world probably doesn’t need yet another site that is SUPPOSED to be a place for great-minded singles to meet others like them.  What if I had it my way?  You better believe I can would have a few particulars that would distinguish me from the others.  







 Specifically, I would  focus on the three most important parts:

1. Ditch the silly, sleazy or corny screen name
One of the very first things you notice when someone initiates contact with you or you view their profile is their screen name, so I don’t know if trying to be creative or witty is the reason for the foolishness I’ve seen, but my site will definitely reject anything that is questionable or just plain stupid.  HotDaddi, DarkKnight, PleezeMeNow, Lord_Norm, Ube6 Ibe9 (this one took me a minute, but the 69??), and Boob Man?  Really?  I envision this one being an easy task, because as soon as one of these ridiculous screen names get submitted, the user will receive a nice message that ask them to try again.  Boob Man, we’re going to suggest Bob2275 instead.

2.  Winning profile photos only
In the last three days alone, I have seen more embarrassing, tacky or straight up stupid looking profile pictures in quite some time.  What in the world are they thinking?  I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but when you have to do a double take wondering if someone abused Photoshop in the worst way to create the image before you, that’s pretty bad.  My solution?  Pre-approval.  Before a man can post that camera-phone-flash-in-mirror-with- faded-wife beater photo (Saturday), the stunner Whispers look-alike with Mickey Mouse figurines in the background (today) or the infamous bathroom moment with washcloths strewn everywhere and a pile full of dirty clothes in the background (also today), approval will be needed.  Ladies, you aren’t off the hook either.  If you think your boob pictures showcasing over-inflated silicones or that party shot in her sexy black dress with that white string hanging down , your going to need approval as well before those precious gems will be visible. 

 and of course

3.  Write that intro right
The introduction or about me summary is always interesting because there are so many variations in what you see.  I’ve noticed everything from the minimalist (also known as the lazy dater who typed just enough to have the account accepted) who puts “I’ll tell you later” under every section, to the bleeding heart who wants to be as transparent as possible (sometimes the worst ones) and will use over 10,000 characters.  In the “About Me” section alone.  Realizing that most people may simply suck at writing, I know this section of the dating profile is probably the most challenging, so again – here is where my approval process and suggestions will come in.  I’ll offer a little coaching on how much to share up front, making sure the dater is keeping things light-hearted and interesting and making sure they are ommittng some of the cliche’ phrases that I (and probably most others) grow weary of seeing such as:  drama free, God-fearing, seeking a real woman/man, independent woman, strong man, easy-going, like to party/drink/have fun etc…

Check out this classic: 

See, that’s all – nothing too bad or overly critical and I wish I could say that this paticular dating site is  to blame, but I know better.  Several of my friends and their friends and friends of friends are also online, using various sites from J Date to, and even Sugar have the same complaints.  Singles who are truly interested in meeting and dating someone of substance may be short-changing themselves because of poorly crafted profiles.  I’m not the only person who can look at a screen name and think “Nice looking, but probably a whore” or a profile picture and think “He has his hand in her blouse and posted THIS?” and move on to the next.

So with all of this being said, how do I solve my own dilemma?  I don’t.  I keep holding out hope that I’ll stumble across someone with some sense until these last 15 days on this site are OVER!

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers,

Carmen Jones

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Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences!

I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land.

This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....".

If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy!



  1. Carmen – you’re an intelligent and eloquent writer, but this post saddens me somewhat. Early on you wrote “Have I really put forth any real effort? Nope, not really. So this evening I sat down and did some real browsing…” which I thought sounded like a promising new leaf, but then the rest of the post spun off into explaining how a lot of online daters are going about it in the wrong manner. It’s easy to laugh at inept profile writing and ridiculous photos, and I don’t doubt that the dating world would be a better place if some people followed your suggestions, but ultimately the only person you can change is yourself. You’re unlikely to be able to single-handedly bring about a big change to the current dating world, so I think it’s more productive to focus on how you can best navigate through the obstacles which you know to exist.

    I’d be interested to read more posts along the lines of “I, Carmen, will seek to improve my dating success by taking the following action:…” Your blog shows that you have plenty of knowledge and insight to give you advantages over many other daters out there, so I would vote (not that anyone asked me to) for more focus on finding you an awesome guy first, and then after that perhaps look at helping out the dating world at large.

    1. Hmm, good points Matt. Very good indeed but understand this- somehow in my own twisted mind, I become conflicted between the “help the single world” and “find what Carmen wants”.

      The post was titled if I had my way as a pun of sorts about the inept dating profiles out there that would actually help the offender AND benefit their viewer/reader. I get so frustrated because it seems as some people are either taking dating and the effort needed for a profile that sells themselves as a joke. Likely, they do these types of things (like posting Star Trek tattoos) out of ignorance – who knows.

      So again, that’s my angle when I’m spewing what’s in my brain about “types of men online” and changes I would make IF I had a dating site.

      As for the “Carmen needs/wants/will improve herself types of posts? Shit, there won’t be any of the latter because there’s nothing wrong with me! Lol

      Okay but seriously – I’m getting to the point of believing I may not find what I’m looking for online. Far beyond the peeves of profiles or just unappealing men, but after doing a little reading, I may just change my focus on dating altogether.

  2. This is hilarious. Had tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard. But, the sad part is that is mainly what’s on the online dating sites. Oh, if only one normal person would show up……

    1. Welcome Anita and I think you may be right- online sites really attract some of the most undesirable men it seems. Then again, I’ve met men at the library, car wash, school and everywhere in between and they’re all kinds of special as well.

      I guess it’s just the luck of the draw.

      Thanks for stopping by!

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