I’m Here to Date, Not to Screw

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For the last couple of days, I have been trying to figure out   procrastinating on posting about my lastest date.

Fresh out of the caribbean where the men worshipped me like the super bad chick that I am, right into one of the hottest sushi bars in LA for a first time meeting with a new hangover.  I can’t remember if I mentioned this last week, but there were a few “last call” stragglers I had exchanged numbers with prior to ending my membership on this dating site I’ve been on for the last couple of months.

One of the men who passed the initial screening for telephone number exchange was who I went out with, and within a matter of ten minutes, his pseudonym was easily created – this hangover’s name is Asshole.

If I were to explain how things went by using photos, the story would look a little something like this:

It has been quite some time since I have had the displeasure of being in the presence of a man who was overtly confident – no, he was pompous.  Asshole is pretty much the total package, because he seemingly has nearly all of the qualities any woman would be interested in:

Nice looking – Textbook tall, dark and handsome.  He has the smoothest chocolate brown complexion, a great set of teeth, a smooth and bald head, and his daily workouts are doing his body good.

Smart – An undergraduate of a reputable school in the mid-west and USC MBA alumni, he is beyond intelligent but also has a bit of street smarts from his early beginnings.

Successful – I never understood what mergers and acquisitions was all about, but I know this dude makes a handsome amount of money and is in one of the senior-most positions within his firm.  Aside from that, Asshole owns his own wine business and has his hands in the cookie jar for a few other ventures as well.

Talked the Talk – This guy is quite eloquent and well versed;  aside from that, he talked about what he sought for his future.  This hangover was quick and to the point and after only one conversation, made a date with me to “get things rolling”.

A clue in to exactly the type of person I was dealing with was made painfully obvious when I asked if he wanted to keep it simple and meet up for coffee at Starbucks.  His reply:  “Why would I meet someone at Starbucks?  That place is for either broke dudes who can’t afford a decent date or someone who has no other place to go…”

Hmmm, okay.

So the meeting takes place and as I stated before, it didn’t take very long for me to come up with an appropriate name for him;  such that I even shared it with him as we sipped on drinks following his chastizing of the poor waiter.  Asshole joked saying “I think I’ve been called other types of names on dates, so it could be worse.”

Don’t get me wrong as I wasn’t having a horrible time, but was really trying to figure out if this guy was as arrogant and stoic as he was coming across.  In fact, one name in particular came to mind when it dawned on me that he reminded me of someone who is fictional for all intents and purposes:  Christian Grey.

That’s right!  The man I was meeting for the very first time was as close to the real life character of a modern day sexual and social deviant from the trilogy book series “Fifty Shades of Grey“.

Pretty fucked up, huh?

For those of you who have read these books, the jerk I described above is the embodiment of a Christian Grey-type.

Sadly, I won’t get the opportunity to see if he has a torture chamber in his condo, if he would tie me up in shackles while screwing my brains out, or if he would spank me until my skin turned raw (shameless plug for the books, they are definite panty wetters!!).

Unlike some other women who may be so enthralled by being in the presence of a man who truly seems to have his shit together on every level.  I just couldn’t deal with him and will NOT deal with a man who has so many of the types of traits that most women would and SHOULD be turned off to.

Control freak, judgmental critical, arrogant, and has that “I’m a rare find and I know it” attitude.  Oddly enough, at other times the Asshole personable and had no issues spending money since we easily racked up over $100 and this was just a “meet up”.

Now that I think of it, this dude may have had a bit of a split personality.

Sometimes he would get really quiet, deep in thought and then moments later would turn my way and tell me how pretty I was.  Then he would go radio silent, and after a sip light up and whisper how he wanted to”taste my lips”.

Moments later, he gets quiet again then admonishes me for slouching a bit for the last 10 minutes.  Then he says how much he is ready to settle down, have another child and will ask me for the sixth time what I want from him.

See what I mean?  This dude was like flipping a light switch – off on, on off, off off, on, off off, off, on…………..

Suffice to say, a girl was a bit twisted at the end of the night.  Not only was it from the wine he kept sending (his attempt to get me tipsy enough not to drive home), but his strange displays of interest and affection, following by some sort of critique or serious question.  I’ll admit, after going on dates with the likes of the greedy little fucker with the munchies who had NO money for a date, outings with the poorly dressed, boring and partial albino, or the career felon, meeting someone who seemed to have it together was refreshing.

Okay, so the night is coming to an end and we bid each other farewell.  He asks if we can get together tomorrow, but then things take yet another turn left when I reached out that day to confirm and he replies with this:

“You should just come over, I molest you twice then we eat lunch”.

I told him he had me totally confused and politely declined his offer.

Back to the drawing board I go.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones