Back to Hopelessness

The Hope experience has run its course.  Last night before heading to bed, I decided that settling accepting our situation for what it was didn’t appeal to me. Not expressing my thoughts didn’t appeal to me.  Spending so much of my valuable time with this man whose intentions were unknown, was not appealing to me.

Over the course of the last couple of says, I had two different people offer their insight on the Hope situation.

My Mother:

Sensing things were a little different in the end of week routine, she asks “How are things going with your friend?   He still around? ”  I nodded my head but said his time was coming to an end and that soon,  he would be deleted.  She and I then went on to discuss the why which is when I complained about how much time was being spent with Hope.

He isn’t a bad guy, we get along marvelously when together and there has been no drama or reason to argue about anything.  Since he made it clear that I was option 1 of 2 without he and I ever have had any discussion about his interest in me outside of us getting together,  I was pulling back the reins.  The bigger issue I had was really with myself.  Hope’s schedule was pretty special.

By day, this former sheriff deputy works as a social worker but he also moonlights several nights a week managing one of the hottest nightclubs in Los Angeles.  You can take a guess which nights he’s working in that line lf business, so I have been making lots of concessions just to see him.  Late Thursday’s, squeezed in Friday’s and nearly all afternoon and evenings on Sundays.

I did it for nearly a month, tired as hell and all because on my mind,  figured someone asking to see you so much MUST be interested.  But oh no, this didn’t appear to be the case so in my mind it made no sense.  Mother’s reply?   She told me it sounded like I had the expectation that things should happen in a certain period of time.   That I shouldn’t fire and delete him, but stop making myself so available and not to go out of my way to accommodate.  Alright, I hear you and though I’m not necessarily looking for more male friends,  I’ll consider it.

The Officer:

Just a few hours later, I meet an officer patrolling the motorcycle show Hope and I were meeting up at.  There was a little glitch in the directions he had given me, so while I was trying to figure out the fastest way to get to the right side of the exhibit,  the officer offered to give me a lift.   While headed to meet Hope, the officer asked if I was meeting my boyfriend and I guess it was the way I said “No, a friend” that made him stop and chuckle.

The officer said that sounded like theman had the disadvantage amd that’s when I asked if I was being unreasonable in wanting to at least ascertain Hope’s intentions.  Even if they’re not necessarily to be carried out right then and there or even with me, but asked the officer how many outings or dates would he need to form an opinion.

His reply was “Please, not seven or eight.  If you know what you want, you can figure that out the first or second time you see the woman.  I was tickled pink when he explained that after the amount of time Hope and I had been seeing each other, he was either playing games or just stupid.

I’m rolling with the po-po!

Offficer nice guy-if-you-were-older-you-could-get-it DID advise against me saying anything to Hope,  saying I should stop wasting my time with this man and phase him out to focus on the type who can express what he wants.

I disagree and perhaps this is just that female programming that sometimes needs to be scrambled,  but that’s not my style.  So in a matter of a few seconds,  my “take care” text was sent expressing my realization.  I was trying to date someone hence the amount of time being invested.   While he was hanging out with me, on a whim without consideration for anything more.

That type of situation is not what I’m looking for.  I’m glad I sent the text and the bonus?  I made his “one of two” decision a hell of a lot easier.

I think have been waiting for a thank you but instead,  Hope sent the equivalent of a grade school reply saying “If that’s the way you feel, then I understand.”

Thinking back to that second week; my having to say that going missing in action for several days, breaking our patterns of communication was unacceptable.  His actions showed this was how he operates and while he did keep up the consistency since that discussion, Hope never really to kept. my attention over the telephone.  It sometimes seemed as if he was calling to be compliant.

This is when I realized he had to go.

Currently,  there are four other contenders I’m the works.  Each and every one of them calls me regularly, and we engage in stimulating conversation.   Each one has at least mentioned their long-term relationship goals.  One has made it clear he wished for the plans to include me.

I’ve got neither the time or the patience for these types of players/immature older men or whatever other category Hope fell into.

I’m working on my cure…

Carmen Jones

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