The type of man I’m looking for probably doesn’t exist. At least not yet, so it’s time for me to release myself from online dating again.
I’m not sure why it has taken me so long as the women around me have been been canceling their accounts left and right. Me being o ye faithful had even tried to encourage one friend to hold out until the new year, now understands.
Before you ask what happened I’ll say nothing in particular. There are so many undesirable characteristics being shown in the dating world, that both men AND women are guilty of presenting, I can definitely see why the online dating industry is a multi-million (really billion) dollar industry.
Epic failure on an epic level.
How are many of us coping? We’re settling. I know of SEVERAL women who have become mistresses of men in relationships or may be married. I guess they figured having everything they could want in a man from attraction, steady outings and financial perks from a man (whether he’s taken or not) is better than nothing at all.
Others have settled for the unfulfilling relationships or marriages and they have one or more lovers on the side. I’m not here to judge their lifestyles as they try to have the best of both worlds, but I guess they have to weigh family or financial obligations and aren’t ready to let that person go.
So again, why the opening statement of this post that sounds like the flag of defeat being waved?
Maybe its just that I am tired of the rat race, dealing with the imbalance from the men who try too hard OR the men who don’t try jard enough, aren’t sure of what they want OR the ones who just move a little too slow.
The man who isn’t a project, in need of reconfiguration or some type of overhaul may be out there just not at this moment. The man who says he knows what he wants and knows how to communicate when he meets the woman that is or is NOT what he’s looking for may be out there but he just hasn’t crossed my path yet.
There are a few men in the pipelines right now, but sadly, I have an idea that they may end up in the discarded pile as well.
Do I settle? Say yes to the man who spoke with me once, has been phone stalking me ever since and feels we’ll make a great couple? Do I settle? Should I have continued the outings with Hope as option #2?
Or do I settle for the single life and accept the ongoing advances from Rescue and have a regular fuc* buddy in an ex-boyfriend?
Carmen Jones
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Maybe I’m unusual in this, but sometimes I like to think of these things in terms of numbers. Let’s say you give every guy a desirability rating out of 100. Of course, this is how desirable they are to you in particular, not to the world on average, so they get bonus points for being compatible with you and communicating well with you. (And if they’re already in a relationship with someone else they lose at least 70 points in my eyes – I do get tempted to be judgmental of cheaters and “mistresses”.)
It does sound like you’ve been looking for someone with a very high score, or at least looking for someone in a scoring category in which not many single guys exist. Maybe you’ve been looking for an 80, or however you want to phrase it. The point I’m trying to get to is that maybe it’s more a case of just looking again at those 70s or 65s – lowering the bar slightly rather than throwing the bar away. Or if you’d rather be single than try things with a 65 then that’s your choice. I think it’s worth bearing in mind that trying a relationship with a 65 doesn’t mean you’re instantly locked in forever – you can always change your mind.
I love the way you broke this down Matt and a few years back, I was looking for the 90’s and realized they were either already taken, not into women like me or didn’t exist. Then I started looking at the 70’s and soon they ended up being more like 60’s because they were project men as in, someone needing a lot more work to make them date or relationship worthy.
Not being locked in forever is something I’ll keep in mind going forward because what I may be failing in is my thinking of long-term with a man I meet and have interest in. Figuring time is not to be wasted on the undesirables, if meeting a man who doesn’t really do it for me, a short-term approach/they are okay for now isn’t what has been on my mind.
Suppose I decided to give the guy I met online a chance even though he has SIX children? When he shared this with me, adding that he had four different women involved for the creation of these children was an immediate hell no. Why? I thought long-term. The man’s finances are going to be challenging with child support and basic needs and having that many women with different personalities to deal with just seemed like a nightmare in waiting that I didn’t want to deal with. Granted, this is an extreme example but isn’t too far from the concept I’ve been using – a lot of these men have way too much going on in their lives to even consider dating.
How about Enron? He was a nice enough guy and surely would have given me any and everything I could have wanted but he was a felon two times over, which means probation, limitations on lifestyle activities, travel etc…
Besides that, what is happening is a flipping of your scenario. You’ve got men who are 50’s and 60’s searching for women who are 90’s and above. I guess the cycle will just continue, huh?
Absolutely not! Settling means regret down the line.
Carmen, I don’t know how you held on for so long and while Matt’s comment makes sense about the bar you have and how high it may be, I don’t think anyone should have to choose. Chosing between making concessions and waiting for what you really want is not impossible, it just takes more work and filtering.
Sometimes I’ve read your posts and thought “these men can’t be that bad”, wondering if because this is a public blog you might be adding extras. But then I remember my own experiences and know this is real.
It sounds like you are completely frustrated so make sure you’re not so annoyed before deciding what to do. You might just end up settling in another way.
Thanks Jessie and believe me – sometimes things are so bad I WISHED I had made them up but sadly, all true. Frustration is exactly what I was feeling when I wrote this post and by December 24th, I had canceled my account completely.
My bar is right where it should be and I think the fact that I’ve listened to some people say that it may be too high or that my expectations, realisticially may have been a bit skewed, is why I accepted date invitations from men I KNEW I wouldn’t be interested in. So again, I was settling in a way but no more.
Carmen you and I have had versions of this conversation, and I don’t think it’s about settling so much as reprioritizing and figuring what’s important. Personally, I’d be happy to have a guy that has a personality, smart, commited, financially stable, compassionate and child free as long as he is not ugly. I don’t need him to be hot, I just need to be able look at him in daylight without wincing. Lol! Why? Because attraction has it ups and downs, he’s eventually going to put on some pounds, might lose some hair on his and grow it in a new weird place… Same for passion, that shit comes in waves and can disappear for long periods of time. But love, adoration, personality, those things remain the same for a lifetime.
Prioritizing wants and needs is a must Mesosingle, absolutely and you have never heard me say he needs to be a panty wetter or dropper – just being cute is fine with me. Attractions definitely has its high’s and low’s, and sometimes I find myself doing a mental time progression (you know, like on those missing kids photos?) factoring in pounds and hair variations. Some things are dealbreakers like teeth unless my guy is ready for dental implants within 60 days of meeting or something.
I think our plan of relaxing for the first couple of months of the new year and focusing on other things that will make us happy outside of a relationship with a man is the ticket. I hope.
You’re not alone and just think, there’s some hunk of a guy out there wishing he could find that special lady as well. I think you just are on different planets. Lol
Seriously, there’s a difference between settling and compromising. I say no and the women and men carrying in with other people’s honeys are nothing short of being women and male whores.
Meeting a cute guy, but he doesn’t like the same kind of music as you but is great and sweet? You can compromise.
Meeting a guy who makes you cringe, talks like a fifth grade punk and lives with his mom? Settling.
You know the difference I’m sure. Give it all a break for a while and when you get back to it, your insights may have changed.
Marie, I sure do know the difference between the two. I agree with you on the settlers as well and I won’t sau never, but playing second string has never been my thing.
Like I told several of my friends, I can’t say if it’s timing or something else that can help balance the scales. Two friends met their significant others this year after they had given up as well. Aside from a few snags, things are going well for each of them. They happened to meet men who were in the same places in life, not men who were in limbo or unsure of what theu wanted.
That’s the type I’m waiting for.