Online Dating

Out of Sight, On My Mind

Out of Sight, On My Mind


Someone has captured my attention.

To the point where I look forward to receiving his quirky text messages with random “mannish moments” and the entertaining, no holds barred telephone conversations that we share.  Just thinking about our talks brings a smile to my face and even as I’m writing this, am finding myself blushing like a little girl with her first crush or something; it’s crazy.

Nothing is off limits so far as what we share with one another, absolutely nothing and I like how he cares enough to ask if something he asked was too intrusive or if a comment was going too far.  Being able to enjoy getting to know about a person with words flowing so effortlessly is rare and reminds me of the good old days when meeting someone great wasn’t like mission impossible.

I have to say, it’s been a long time since this type of interaction with a man was so enjoyable and while it is refreshing, it just as scary.  Only time will tell how things play out with the one I’m calling Out of Sight.

Why refer to my dealings with a man who is physically attractive (at least on photos), intellectually stimulating (converses well, speaks with tons of sense), can make me laugh (when he’s really riled up, has me cracking up with his unintentional, Eddie Murphy laugh) seemingly stable life (divorced, 1 child and over that failed relationship) and sexually liberated as scary?

For one, Out of Sight is a male version of me and perhaps that’s why it was ME reaching out to him after perusing his profile.  In case no one has figured this out yet, online dating is truly special and can be frustrating as hell, so every and then I get this though in my head to go searching for my own destiny.  I’m so damn tired of the abundance of messages from the twenty-something men wanting to “prove age ain’t nothing but a number”, ridiculously obese and unattractive, the desperate and persistent who often write the longest messages that require translation from the urban dictionary,  former hangovers looking for a second chance, and of course the rainbow coalition of men looking to fulfill their fantasy for a little blackberry juice.  Hell, there have been a couple of Ellen DeGeneres-type women (for my colored folks who don’t get it, think Queen Lateefah in the role of Cleo) who are looking to “break me in”.

So when I came across my guy’s profile I was happy to have stumbled on a suitable potential.   When looking at his photograph the first thing that came to my mind?  He is probably an amazing lover.  Yes, you read right and don’t try to judge me because it is a well known fact that women in my age group (if they’ve ever been exposed to really good d____), are in the phase of their sexual peak.  As such,  we are likely thinking about sex as much if not more than men.  There was just something about his expression in the photo and his stance, that depicted a handsome specimen that was well-groomed, goatee included, tall and confident – I gathered all of this just from a picture and it made me want to know more.

The second thing that came to my mind was that Out of Sight was my kind of guy, because he writes like me (very direct, words dripping with sarcasm) and thinks like me (no bullshit allowed, come correct or stay away).  The possibility of encountering a person you suspect is exactly on your level, and then speaking with him on a regular basis proving your suspicions is scary.  If you’re not sure what I mean by this just ask how you would handle dating yourself.

A determined, career-minded and focused free-thinker with a zero tolerance level for bullshit has good reason to be cocky, and is a great catch in my eyes.  He’s interested in knowing me, and not just on the surface which is enhances the fluidity of our discussions that are all over the place.

We talk about everything from what we hate about dating, stalker stories, how many times to reach out to someone, sexual experiences and voyeurism, raising children and everything in between.  I’ve even explained why so many women go bat shit crazy when a man changes his pattern.  Whether its going from two calls a day to one, visiting one day every two weeks instead of one or taking a shower before and after sex when he just dived in before.  Patterns are real, change without communicating causes real problems.

The last time the can’t-wait-to-talk-to-him feelings were experienced was years ago – back in 2007 to be exact when I first started dating Mr. Jekyll. I have yet to share how that emotional roller coaster of a relationship finally jumped off the tracks.

The problem is that I need to stop trying to answer the question a girlfriend posed yesterday – what’s wrong with him.  I have two suspicions and am hoping they are wrong. It is still very early, too soon to expect anything or assume what will become of this situation which brings me to the second reason for any trepidation.  How will we interact with each other when we finally meet?  Finally because he lives in another state right now and will not be back in California for another two months.  You have read about my catfish experiences with the men who are a stone throw away, so realizing that I’m enjoying myself this much with someone who could look possibly like a leprechaun on crack or an 80 year-old transvestite in person is scary as hell (see my write-up on Critter for a visual on first dates gone wrong).

He’s likely thinking the same way because we both keep asking each other “WHY are you single?”  I’ve got 28 pages of blog material to explain my situation,  where’s your proof?

That infamous too good to be true effect, first mentioned to me a few years ago by USBC is what we are both trying to use as an excuse not to believe that the paths of two people who seem to be equally yoked and normal can actually cross. This isn’t necessarily a bad way of thinking after you’ve been in so many disappointing situations and relationships BUT it can sabotage new friendships preventing them from leading to anything else.

If you can’t fathom someone really being good in so many ways, you’ll end up questioning them far too often then trying to find the bad.  You start coming up with excuses or maybe even pulling back a bit because you’re afraid you’ll end up regretting decisions made to move forward.  So when Out of Sight jokingly stated a few days ago “I’m afraid to deal with you because you’re too much like me and you might be that one woman that makes me go crazy or lose my mind…”, I laughed but then realized this type of thinking may be telling me about a man whose intentions ultimately may not be the same as mine.

I really hate dating.  There is too much thinking, too much wondering and far too much disappointment.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers,

Carmen Jones —

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Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences!

I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land.

This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....".

If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy!



  1. I’m almost afraid to be happy for any prospects but the good thing is that he seems to be your type of guy but you’re taking a big chance- in another state?

    Funny going back to read about critter and for heavens sake, I hope that guy really didn’t look as bad as the picture.

    Oh and I got this post faster from Twitter. You should add your feed to the blog for others instead of waiting for the email.

    Good luck, I can’t wait to hear more!

    1. Marie, don’t feel bad. My excitement is lackluster as well. Just waiting for the other side of the joker to surface but trust me, I am really hoping it does NOT.

      This one does sound like a decent guy and I’ll be honest, I can’t wait to test out the goods. We shall see if he can keep my interest and I can’t keep his.

      Thanks for reading. 🙂

  2. This guy sounds amazing! There is nothing wrong with being afraid of the unknown. If this guy puts a smile on your face and can possibly be what your looking for, I think u should jump into it. Far to often as humans we focus on the negative in a person or situation instead of embracing the good and “what could be”. Maybe he has some flaws but the most important things that make you happy seem to be covered.Lets just hope his sex game is good otherwise your in trouble. Im pushing for Out of sight.

    1. Interesting name and welcome. Yes and yes- he sounds good and the sex game better be on point, especially the way he alludes to the quality of his sexual prowess.

      The could be musings are reality, you can’t help but think that way. My motto is to hope for the best, brace for the worst.

      It’s like getting on an airplane thinking you don’t want to hear about how to use that seat cushion if there’s an uh… issue. BUT, you know you better remember the steps to get ot working just in case.

      I don’t know how long you’ve been reading, but take a looksie back into the past posts and you’ll see that I’m a realist. My thoughts and actions don’t tend to sabatage any of my dealings with the hangovers.

      In fact, some of the men are around for several weeks before I write about them because I am HOPING they don’t end up here as a “could have been”.

      I’m enjoying this guy and he has something major working in his favor that the last guy (Hope) didn’t have- his phone game.

      Out of Sight knows about my weaknesses and deal breakers. As long as he doesn’t aggravate the one or abuse the other, we’ll be fine. Whatever the outcome.

      Welcome again and thanks for reading. 🙂

  3. Sounds promising for sure, I say relax and go with the flow. What do you have to lose? Unless you’ve got some smoking hot prospect locally that makes you want to say pass, the short term distance shouldn’t hinder your actions.

    Think of it this way- you’ve been single for how many months? What’s another couple to see if this one could be your guy?

    Go easy and don’t let past disappointments ruin a possible future. Sounds like outdated advice, but try it.

    I can’t wait to hear the sex stories!

  4. **sigh**

    We really need to talk one day. I feel your trepidation. I’m trying to figure out why things always start out great and either turn on a dime or lose steam because we’ve envisioned someone in … dare I say … the way we perceive them to be and it’s not the case after all.

    1. Oh Melzie, I’ll email you my contact information shortly.

      The shit is frustrating, so ridiculous and it makes it difficult to really give a new person a clean slate.

      In the back of our minds, we’re waiting for them to fuc_ up and inevitably, they do. Are we somehow creating some nad juju by thinking and wondering if who we think we’re dealing with is who he says he is? I don’t know.

      Maybe we can try a little experiment with the new men we meet?

      No negative thinking, no assumptions.

      If he suddenly stops calling om a regular, keep trying to communicate with him.

      If he suddenly reverts from taking you out to home dates (aka “kicking it” or “hanging out”), don’t worry about it. Just figure he’s short on funds temporarily and it isn’t because his time and dollars are going towards the next woman.

      Is that the ticket?!

  5. Carmen, I like the way you think because you are purposeful and methodical. There is nothing wrong with keeping a mindful eye on a man, asking what the weak link may be instead of playing the innocent victim role.

    Just remember this- people will normally show you what they want you to see; sometimes more, often less and normally the good side.

    Like a few others have said… OOS sounds like he’s the type of man who suits you and likely has a strong personality that might be a bit challenging. Different than the types you may have had before, but likely worth the effort.

    I’m starting to sound a little like Dr. Phil so I’ll stop here. Just enjoy the experience.

    1. Methodical? Hmm, sounds like you pay attention well.

      Hey there Brian and I enjoy the Philisms, they make sense. The key to dating is to not put on more effort than the other person is doing or willing to put in.

      Everything is based on chance, outcome is never guaranteed.

    2. Oh and part of what you say about people revealing themselves is true. A lot of person can nask their evil ways pretty damn good. Those are the scary ones who are so pathological that deceiving and misleading people is something they’ve gotten down to a science.

  6. I just want you to be happy. Whenever you decide to give an old man like me a chance, because as much as people will say that men are all the same, that is a lie. Matured men are ready to settle down and they do not play around with all the games and the lies. Just like with the ones in the past, you will see if you have a man or a jackass soon enough. Time will tell, see if this out of town one can keep you engaged away and when he moves closer.

    1. You’re so funny and I love your tenacity. I tell you what Silver- as soon as I’m out of the “might want another child” phase, we can hook up. Haha!

      Seriously, I think you’re right to an extent about men. But just as Out of Sight and I had discussed a few days ago, we both agreed that it may be on a man’s nature to always want more than one woman.

      I would love to meet the man who can look at me as fulfilling any need imaginable, but people are greedy. We will always want more.

      The choice I have is to either roll with the punches (bullshit from men) or keep walking away from it.

  7. Out of sight, just don’t go out of your mind before you meet him and ditch the friend asking what his faults are. Sounds like a miserable bitch wanting you to be unhappy with her.

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