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This is just a quick post dedicated to a male friend of mine who’s always saying “it can’t be that bad” or “stop being so picky” and anyone who has done it or is currently dating online knows good and damn well that our stories of despair aren’t exaggerated.
Here are a couple of actual profile photos from _______.com and yes- each has messaged me, trying to convince me that each is the Prince Charming I’ve been waiting for all my life.
1. Hang Time
The infamous bathroom shot and this dude probably figured he was getting brownie points since it wasn’t a mirror shot. I don’t even know where to focus my distaste with this one; is he showcasing his 16 year-old in a 35 year-old’s body abs? Maybe my eyes were supposed to focus on his stenciled in tattoos? This poor sucker has no clue how much of a fool he looks and for goodness sake, what’s with the pants sagging so low that he had to strategically place the belt buckle? His message was promptly deleted when his intro message seemed like a dyslexic 3rd grader had written it.
2. Peek-a-boo, I’ll stalk you!
Car shots are probably the second most popular behind the bathroom mirror, and I get it- you want to try something creative since it’s usually just you, the driver’s seat and the headliner, but really? I guess he was showing his cool tattoo because you know, girls like that kind of stuff or…. showing how sexy his eyes are or… showing he had white t-shirts without those embarrassing rings in the armpit. Whichever the case, this one was eliminated because he listed “Illegal Stud” in his profile header. Classy.
3. Wanna lick little girl?
A grown overweight man with red hair and freckles holding an ice cream cone just screams child molester!!!!!!! I had visions of him following some little girl or boy into the restroom doing the types of things I would castrate a man for. I can’t even remember what his message said, he was simply deleted and blocked. Oooh so creepy.
4. #32456534
There is absolutely no way anyone can tell me this wasn’t taken in the LA Men’s Central Jail, no way at all. In fact, this baby-faced reject had several photos and even dressed one of them up by adding a regular t-shirt vs the wife beater. I can’t understand why some men even contact me; do they really think there’s even a sliver of a chance? Needless to say Baby Boy didn’t get any love from me.
5. Pick me, I exfoliate!
Le sigh. The ugly outtie, the face creme, the “was clubbing” wrist band. What’s funny is his comment on this photo mentioned nothing at all about the shit on his face. Instead, it said “Working on these abs”.
6. Get on my level
The caption is exactly what his profile said, this coming from the man who listed inder profession “whatever and not get caught”. Basically, a hustler who probably does everything from operating a smoke shop to selling Indian remy weave hair on Crenshaw. Since this educated thug (his words, not mine) sent a fairly decent message, the least I could do was respond with my “not a good match” template, and he replies back saying “keep messing with the corporate dude and you’ll stay on this site forever.” Yep, thanks for the tip buddy and good luck with the high quality hood chick you’re sure to attract.
7. Seeking BBW for BBM
I don’t want to get too graphic, so I cut off the bottom half of this one but damn- how did the site not catch this and delete his profile? Half-naked photos are disgusting to me and while I know theee are a lot of men who simply want to show off their hard work hitting the gym, but they are a turn off to me. I mean really, a man with a size 36b cup isn’t appealing, would you find it sexy if a woman had a larger bulge in her pants than you? Trust me when I say that his other photos were just as tasteless.
So there you have it my friend, just a sample of the inventory I have to work with. It isn’t just about being picky, but down right repulsed. I’ve found it to be true that the ugly, creepy, ignorant, sloppy, perverted, hopelessly lame or crazy singles are the ones with NOTHING to lose so my sag to find happiness with one man.
Until there’s a cure, vaccine, pain reliever something for the hangovers. ..
Carmen Jones
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