Why Are You Single?

“…I can’t understand how a woman like you could be single, you are amazing…” is what Out of Sight said quite a few times earlier on during our friendship/situation and I would always jokingly reply “It’s possible because and I am truly a good catch, but  I keep meeting assholes with too much personal baggage who aren’t ready and I have to let them go”.

What I told him is so sad but  true because in nearly every instance where I meet someone and we begin the process of getting to know one another, we get derailed because of something the man is going through, he needs to work through his shit and I have over a dozen examples (men) from my past  who ended up on the chopping block because of their selfishness.  Here’s a public service announcement for these men- handle your shit, stop trying to date women when you don’t have the time, energy or money.

Ah….. money, money, money, money.  Most of the issues with men like Out of Sight that eventually leads to problems causing  dating to fall flat  has to do with money – men have to work hard and often, very long hours in demanding jobs to support a lifestyle that either needs to be downgraded or to support their obligations such as children or an ex-wife.  Rescue once told me that there isn’t anything in the world that can make a man feel better about himself  if his finances aren’t right – not a loving and  supportive woman, nothing.  So I get the workaholic thing because I’m not fond of Skittles dates, but here’s a newsflash – communication is key!  I just feel a little stupid because I was too busy making excuses for this man knowing good and damn well, I should have been taken off of a dating web site and swept off my feet the moment he met me.

In this situation, Out of Sight failed to communicate with me in the very beginning because he neglected to tell me that he really isn’t ready for anything serious, so now I was basically told over California Rolls and martini’s  to just accept that he’s poor at communicating (saying he’s been told this many times before) and to accept that his life is a big hodgepodge of sorts which may stay that way for an unspecified period of time.  Oh yes, it’s true.

Look at me up here  making excuses for him because he’s so busy with family and life when the reality of the situation has been there;  it’s just that I had to wait until Friday night for him to share with me a lot more of the intimate details of his life.

The bottom line is this – as much as a person can say they are so different from the next, they are really just like the next and he is acting like so many others who enjoy the benefits but aren’t willing to commit to the work.

I’m really bummed out because here I am wasting precious keystrokes on  yet another hangover with potential and he knows he’s is a good guy overall. In fact, he even jokingly takes the time time to remind me of his greatest selling points such as him being a great provider who was caring, affectionate and loyal and had been single for a reason because he’s just… a very busy man with a hectic life.  I can appreciate the fact that he says he really needs to focus on improving himself spiritually, being a better father, son and a better person overall.  While he certainly expressed how much he cares for me that all seemed to be go out the window like a bucket of hot piss when he actually admitted that he wasn’t in a place right now to be decent relationship material because he said he’s “stretched so thin”.

Umm… really? NOW you tell me?!!

What does stretched thin mean, and what has changed since the time we first began communicating?  Stretched thin because everyone from his father, daughter and whoever else in between needed him and relied on him (whether unintentional or not) for some type of support. Adding to this “about my issues” moment was how his work situation isn’t what he thought it would be, and equally as bad are his temporary living quarters. Out of Sight started rambling on and in the end, I realized I was being asked to accept him how he is and no more, at least not now.

Liquor is really like a truth serum or perhaps Out of Sight was feeling  really comfortable and wanted to be candid with me, because he suddenly launches into an all out I-need-time-for-me spill about how he needs to have  time for himself, just being able to relax and not hear the nagging from a woman to do this or that when he’s getting off work, and how sometimes in the past he would be so tired from work that sex would be out of the question.  It’s funny how relieved he seemed to be telling me all of these REAL reasons why he hadn’t made any moves to seal the deal, encouraging me to keep dating and it’s also funny how he didn’t realize that my mood had gone from the happy woman in the presence of a great guy to one of those finger to temple,  this is some bullshit type of blank  stare in a matter of minutes.   Surely this fool didn’t think I was just going to sit there and take it all in without calling him out on what I believed he was really about, did he?

“You don’t really want to be in a relationship because you’re spilling off at the mouth all of the things  you despised about being with your ex-wife and other women before me.  If you do want a relationship, it would be one out of convenience when you wanted a snuggle buddy when getting off late from work, or happened to have some free time.  I really appreciate you telling me all of this because now I know what I’m dealing with;  my ex had a lot of personal shit he was dealing with that ultimately affected our relationship but he didn’t man up and just say he didn’t want anything serious out of selfishness, he didn’t want to lose me.”

He denied, denied, denied some more then denied all that I had said and even tried to make light of the situation by chuckling then saying that wasn’t the case, that he wanted something more.  Unless I’m borderline retarded, I understood what he was saying loud and clear – he doesn’t want anything right now and things are cool with the two of us but this isn’t really going anywhere anytime soon.  So here’s what I surmise of this situation – One, he was  unsure if my character was true  and was worried that I would change like all of the other women from his past, and start acting like an affection-starved lunatic or two, he had no intentions of pursuing anything further because he wants to be “free” and able to do what he pleases.

Like I said, he wanted something in  theory but his own shit and true desire to have things the way he wants them are two obstacles for us.  So as of this afternoon, I had to tell him simply that the Carmen who thinks she’s working towards a possible relationship with someone she’s been involved with for several months now is going to be completely different than the Carmen who knows there’s no future with that same person based on the slip ups and actions in the last couple of weeks, but especially based on his I’m-single-by-choice manifesto.  I would be a damn fool to continue carrying on with him the way I have and getting more and more caught up, entangled in a web of emotions.

Interestingly enough is the disparity in opinions on how to handle this type of situation – do you hang in there and just continue with your dating habits as normal OR say no more and pull the plug?  Single women seem to be a lot more tolerant of these types of situations and feel it’s worth a shot because in a couple of months once the dust settles, things may calm down and he’ll be ready for what I want.  Women who are or have been married?  They say hell no, he’s playing games and needs to go.

Not that I enjoy quoting Steve Harvey but he did say something that resonates in my mind quite often – if a man really wants you, there isn’t anything he won’t do to let you know and to work hard at getting and keeping you.

I’m going to have to roll with my own thought in the matter which are in line with the married women.  He should have taken the opportunity to tell me before we created the patterns of speaking on a regular basis, sharing intimate details, desires and dreams.  Instead, I’m hoping he’s thinking back to the last time he asked me why was I single.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones
myhangovers@gmail.com