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Wikipedia defines a rebound in terms of basketball as the act of successfully gaining possession of the basketball after a missed field goal or free throw.Rebounds in basketball are a routine part in the game, as all possessions change after a shot is successfully made.
Now what if I took that same meaning and applied my own little touches to it might apply to dating:
A rebound in dating is the act of successfully gaining possession of the emotions, thoughts and sometimes your heart after a failed relationship or prospect of one. Rebounds in dating are a routine part in the dating game, as many men and women believe those strong feelings change after a few interactions with someone new are a success.
Whoever says the best way to get over a failed situation is by meeting and dating someone new are completely wrong, so my apologies to all of my readers, friends and family members who believe this to be the case. Unless you are truly over someone, who no matter how much we try to deny it really only comes with time, any poor sap that crosses your path is going to end up becoming a third string alternate. Nothing but a rebound.
I know I’m getting a little ahead of myself because I haven’t posted the last update from my dealings with Out of Sight, but let’s just say things are quite different after my last interaction with the man. Situationville is an awful place and as one of the readers commented a few days ago, someone in this confusing place is going to get to the point of having had enough and pull the trigger. After having had what was likely the third or fourth discussion over the same issue (his inconsistent communication), it was clear that if you have to tell someone the same thing repeatedly they either are stupid or simply don’t care.
Whichever the case, I had been over things for a while and finally told Out of Sight he didn’t have to try anything with me and reiterated the fact that leaving things in a friendly state and nothing is more is what we should have stuck to.That was about two weeks ago and there has been no further communication between the two of us since then which is actually a good thing; I felt so relaxed not even having to think about possibilities and what could be with him or wonder why he does the stupid shit he knows gets under my skin. I completely let go and even decided to take down the dating profile, even if just for a little while. That was until I started considering the feedback of those who were saying not to give up on anything just because this was such a big disappointment and to get out and have some fun with someone new.
What happened next was that any of the men I had already exchanged numbers with weeks prior and had either been ignoring them altogether or simply stalling were taken off the bench and given positions as part of my starting line-up. Each of the four or maybe even five men (yes, I’ve lost count) that I’ve been dealing with have some appealing qualities in one or more ways, but at the same time they each have things I either am leery about or flat out don’t want to deal with. Since I haven’t really spent a whole lot of time interacting or being with any of them, there isn’t a single one who has really captured my attention but each and every one is READY.
Meaning they have expressed the readiness to find someone and someone to marry in the very near future, raise a family (blended and all) or start a family and for someone like me who wants the same thing, I should be jumping all over any prospect who seems to be on the exact same page.Yet for the life of me, I can’t seem to figure out why I’m not acting right and while each is certainly physically attractive with the exception of one that I have yet to meet, there aren’t any thoughts or feelings that any single man in this group has the ability to sweep me off my feet.
There’s even a slight twinge of guilt building up inside because I’ve caught myself doing a few things people do if they’re using someone as a rebound, be it unintentional or not. I often find myself comparing the new contenders in terms of differences, be it good or bad and wonder if when things progress, could I ever be as attracted to one of these men in so many ways.Most importantly, in my mind it seems like it’s too soon, whether Out of Sight and I were in a relationship or not; we definitely were in something so in return of these rebound-like thoughts, there have been moments where these men have called me out on my actions.
Case in point – over the last week or so I’ve actually been exhibiting some of the same types of inconsistent behaviors that that I had bitched about to Out of Sight and doing them to one of the sweetest guys, so early this morning he sent this:
“You told me you would call me back after you got in, and you didn’t. So that told me that I’m more of an option instead of a priority which is cool. I know where I stand and know where to place US. We both have work to do; I need to work on being with you more and YOU need to figure out if you want to be with me…”
This is from a man I’ve nicknamed Johnny Appleseed,for obvious reasons so just wait for the details, and in the last couple of days alone, we have had some pretty intense discussions. He clearly wants me, is ready to cancel dating accounts and as he told me Monday night, cultivate a quality relationship. So for the love of God, why the hell am I not running into his arms and wanting to do the same? Is it because I think he’s the rebound because Out of Sight wasn’t in the right state of mind or had something else going on where he didn’t want the same, am I on the fence now and one of those confused women who is full of shit and really doesn’t know what she wants or even better – is it that the timing is just too soon? Granted, you would have to know the details behind any reluctance with Johnny or the others but still.
This is supposed to be the type of talk and action from a man that so many of us are waiting for. Too many questions, not enough answers.
Until there’s a cure….
Carmen Jones
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Ok-just done reading your post…part of me wants to hug you for not making any of the potentials (4 or 5) a rebound boy! The other part of me wants to shake you hard and say WAKE UP…wake up to the fact you are your own worst enemy in this….you know I say this as you are like the sister I never had, and we have bounced “stuff” off each other for a few years now.
This is not silly in love me talking either-you know it is not easy, where I am, where you want to be. Just I am here. Do you really want to be in the same “here” place? Or in the big picture, is the “here” I’m talking about a chapter at the end of a book you do not think you will ever finish?
I’m awake E, I’m awake! I love you for the reality slap and the answer is I know exactly where I want to be.
I guess I sometimes allow the types of things going on with Out of Sight is out of sheer fear that I will never be where “you are”.
Though I try not to regret things in my past and take them all as lessons in life, I think I sometimes doubt what may ne reality or acceptable for certain men.
It isn’t often that one comes alone and has me, but when he does and then comes with some serious flaws or 1, 000lb baggage, I try to make excuses. Such as “relationships take work” or “if you can’t stand the heat while dating, how could you when…”
Thankfully, I don’t have to think about this awful place anymore with this one. I released any real hope for change or anything with Out of Sight nearly a month ago when the newest addition (which he positively hates) came onboard.
Men like him who may not be malicious in their intent but end up doing harm nonetheless, are the planners and contractors for all of the shaky foundation that exists in Situationville.
It’s long over due for an address change for me because no matter what this dude thought, if you haven’t decided what direction you want to go with someone you’ve been seeing, you don’t want to see it.
SIGH. That is all. Feeling deflated.
We want what we can’t have and shy away from what we should have and you are doing the right thing trying to avoid the rebound. As for the latest hangover? I think you already know there’s no way to really just be friends when feelings are still so fresh and I’m speaking from experience. Lol
Carmen, I find it hard to understand how you could walk away from someone you claim to care deeply for just because the pace that CARMEN wants things done in is different from his.
For a person who’s never been married, has dated for a few years and has pretty much everything in line with her life, how could you not possibly understand a man thats been divorced for barely 2 years, decided to make a life changing move to a totally different state all to start a new life less than 90 days ago.
How could I not possibly be ready to jump right into a relationship. Riiight!
Why take time to figure out if this is right for me on so many levels. I mean California! The land of the hustle and the home of the barely hanging on. Why would I want to possibly take the time and make sure that I have a stable foundation in a city and state were most people are one check away from losing everything they have ever accomplished.
Now as far as other prospects being compared to me? Maybe because I’m the most open and honest guy to date. I have never lied to you about anything and I’m always open about my feelings. Maybe it’s because you and I have a lot in common and I don’t put up with BS from you or anyone.
Maybe it’s beacuse his family is important to him and all the things that’s happen to him in the past 90 days would be rough on anyone.
How about because he has a good heart and believes in a strong foundation in any relationship. Yes, I could jump into a relationship half ass but what would that accomplish? I mean really!!!
Look… For those who don’t know, Out of Sight loves Carmen. I think she is the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, but as a man I will take my time and not be rushed into any situation.
So rebound guy (who’s probably has never had a relationship longer than 5 years and has never been married) needs to know that Carmen should be were your search for the perfect woman ends.
She deserve someone who is willing to fit into her life like a puzzle and not come with a lot of baggage. She’s ready for the next step in her life and where she’s trying to go, I’ve already been.
So as much as I’m ready to be back in a situation, it has to be right on both ends. I will not go through struggles, fights, displacement, arguements, and even divorce again. That’s all the bull crap that comes with RUSHING into a relationship with out becoming friends first. Cause trust me the next relationship will last until death do us part. Sooo…
Until there’s a cure!
~Out Of Sight
Carmen, if this is really your guy this doesn’t even need a reply from you because all I’m seeing is me me me so clearly you were kicking it or dating or whatever yourself. Good grief, I’m ready to hear about the next one and he better come with it.
Out of Sight –
Interesting response and pretty damn ballsy to comment on a blog about yourself but kudos for adding your perspective. I’m curious to know if during this getting-to-know you phase that had taken place for the past few months, if you were upfront about your need to move at a slower pace. Was this something that always discussed or did you go ahead and drink the kool-aid and engaged in the euphoric excitement of meeting a potential life parter. I only ask because one of 2 things come to mind of the current situation:
1. You participtaed in the enthusiasm of meeting a potential partner up until the moment you arrived, then decided to slam on the brakes upon your arrival to her hometown
2. You were clear with your needs and she chose to hear what she wanted
See Out of Sight, while I obviously don’t know you and the ins-and-outs of your relationship I do know that men are notoriously poor communicators, not intentionally but it’s practically built into the DNA. I respect that you want to be a whole package when you step up the plate, that is VERY admirable, especially considering that most men are half-ass packages, poorly wrapped and scotch-tapped to hide all tattered corners. I completely respect everything that you are trying to be. But were you clear about needing time to get acclimated AND setting a reasonable timeline?
I’m curious to know what you want at this point. Clearly you want time to get to that perfect place before you enter into something permanent with Carmen but where does that leave the “situation” for now? Are you expecting her to be a play-girlfriend while you sort your shit out? Do you feel comfortable with her benching you until you’re ready to get get in the game? I guess the third option would be relationship, but it sounds like you aren’t quite there yet.
I hope you don’t think I’m trying to come down, I’m not. I think you make some very valid points and clearly you want to bring your best self to the table and that is to be respected. Nonetheless I’m curious to get some insight on what you think a woman’s to do in a situation like this.
Maybe what this comes down to is – right relationship but the wrong time. Thoughts?
Carmen..You do what makes you happy. If you are ready for a fullfilling, long-lasting relationship then why would you wait on someone who isn’t mentally ready to give you what you desire? Tomorrow is not promised to any of us so Carmen I say continue to do you. Let God send you the contender that he has designed for you. Relax..Relate..Release.
Out-of-Sight!!
Communication and consistency is very important in a relationship and without it you are doomed for failure. It is much easier to understand each other needs, wants and desires when both parties in the relationship are willing grow and make sacrifices. It seems as though you and Carmen needed to set clear boundaries and the terms and conditions of the relationship in the beginning. That way the level disappointment is minimal.
She deserve someone who is willing to fit into her life like a puzzle and not come with a lot of baggage. She’s ready for the next step in her life and where she’s trying to go, I’ve already been.
Sigh….
Everyone has baggage, if you think anyone will drop it just like that….
You are UNHINGED.
I think most people need a reality check, with helping them have an accurate view of themselves and a realistic expectation of life partner would be like for them as a match.
Bet your last breath that they will have BAGGAGE.
Unhinged? Never.
Does everyone have baggage? Absolutely.
But if one has a few pieces and the other has a moving truck full, there’s always the possibility of someone being overwhelmed.
We can pick and choose how much shit we want to deal with, especially during the early stages.
I can recall how several of my friends accepted a ton of issues their men brought from joblessness, to crazy baby mamas, limp dicks, Zoloft, and chain smoking.
“Let me work with him” they said or “as long as it doesn’t affect me” ans guess what? Their lives were a living hell and each one can look back and say without a doubt that sometimes too much is TOO much.
It’s a preference what you are willing to entertain. Some will, some won’t.