Finish last.
Sadly, it’s true. I seem to be attracted to every man that is wrong for me and when one comes along who is all things great in so many areas, I can’t force attraction that isn’t there.
This must be a curse.
I just had a lovely dinner and an entertaining conversation with one of the hangovers from a few months back. We had gone out a few times during the Out of Sight era and the poor guy- he could never figure out why things sort of stalled.
I know why and as he said “I’m still feeling you a lot even though you kind of blew me off”, I wanted to tell him why. He is a little on the chunky side, has quite a bit of baggage and the idea of being anything more than friends is nonexistent. Instead, he was given the side of my cheek as he went in for a peck on the lips and heard “One day, I’ll fess up” as I sent him on his way.
Maybe the cure is to somehow be able to ignore physical attraction.
Nice guys do finish last.
Damn.
Carmen Jones
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Carmen, don’t look at the attraction issue as a bad thing but you must know the older you get, there’s a chance it may get worse!!!! But it could also get better at the same time because I think we find ourselves chipping away at that “must haves” list and go for “it would be nice to have” instead. Trying to fake it is just a recipe for disaster and my ex and me are testimonials of that. Not feeling your honey, better believe you’ll be easily led to feeling someone else outside the relationship. I feel you girl.
Carmen, have you ever pondered the idea that nice GIRLS may also finish last? Maybe that same adage is applicable to the female gender.and you’re simply getting a bit of that lovely thing often referred to as KARMA. I hate to say it, but one must take a second to look in the mirror. and question what the issue is with the common denominator staring back at them… Maybe then, you’ll find a cure…
Sophia,
Your comment is a nice way of saying “You ARE the problem” and believe me, I appreciate the insight.
The common “denominator” is most certainly me because well- I know exactly what I’m looking for in a man. I have met several prototypes of this man with the most recent one having been Out of Sight. Yet sadly, he wasn’t in the right state of mind for where I wanted to go so please- don’t think of me as the woman looking for the purple unicorn.
I sit back and evaluate each and every situation as opposed to simply blowing off any man that I meet.
Attraction cannot be forced. Period.
So instead of me faking it, staying with some man who can be all things wonderful (successful, a great provider, well-rounded etc..) knowing he’s missing a major part of me is just wrong. In fact, I think I’m doing them a favor by being up front that they are not appealing to me at all, physically, as opposed to lying and hoping they grow on me.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and if you know of a way to make lack of attraction turn into something wonderful, by all means, please share.
Carmen
I’m curious, simply because I have a new theory on the nice guys thing. My new thought is that *boring* nice guys finish last. Putting physical attraction aside, and I know that’s a non-negotiable in the end, does he have a life? Is he involved in activities you enjoy or would like to learn more about? Has he traveled, etc.? I find that nice dudes who have played it safe are the stark difference between what we’ll look at as potential vs. forever friends.
Hey Mel,
Good questions and believe me, I really try to find something- a great smile, nice grooming or anything else that might allow me to overlook the physical appeal that may be missing with some of these men.
If I ignored his weight issue and a missing molar and looked at other things, it’s still a lose-lose situation with this guy.
Is he fun to be around? Yes. Whenever he has the time, isn’t with his three children who (in his words) are great but drain him, or working overtime, he’s cool. Notice the sentence above have a common denominator which is money. He works a lot to stay up with the $1, 200 monthly child support he’s forking over to his ex-wife. Those same factors above limit his fun money and the last vacation he’s taken in the last seven to ten years have been to Atlanta or Virginia. Work trips with a few fun days in between.
The limitations of finances cannot be ignored and while each time we’ve gone out, there’s never been an issue, I know he stresses somewhat about money.
No, money isn’t everything but would any woman seriously want to consider a man whose present is filled with stress and whose future doesn’t include a plan on how to alleviate some of that?
Finally, this guy is his own stumbling block. During a period of time when I was delving deeper into the shit abyss of Out of Sight, knowing I couldn’t force the attraction with him, he was like what’s up? I never had a chance to reply before he texts some “I’m slightly damaged good and realize I’ve still got some issues with my ex, so if you’re wanting to take things slow…”
Yet again, a man with unresolved issues.
Too many negatives to even consider someone who I’m just not into physically.
I appreciate the curiosity and believe me, I want what you may be working on or may have already found with the “nice guy”; I just want to make sure the critical elements are in place because I want ne next to be my last.
I hear ya, sis…these would be roadblocks for me too…even if there was attraction *sigh*
It seems that way most times doesn’t it? We wonder about the attraction thing as men and sometimes will even avoid the drop dead gorgeous woman even if she’s throwing herself out there. The eyes want what they want, you either go with is and make the best or go against it and make the best.
I think a big problem is that society seems to be equating the quality of being nice with supplication when in reality guys who supplicate to women tend to be doing so for not so nice reasons, which tend to indicate that being a doormat somehow obligates a woman to be attracted to him. In reality, this is not only a less than fair tactic but also rather pathetic.
I think we need to recognize these so called “nice guys” for what they really are, spinless boring doormats. Just because you are nice doesn’t mean you are a good person, nor does being a passionate opinionated man make a guy a jerk.
Matt,
I think you delivered the best synopsis of the nice guy and the jerk – it is what it is, my friend here is boring. He has yet to man up to his ex-wife and try making something better of their co-parenting situation or at least be friendly with her to the point of her allowing for breathing room on that $1,200 per month child support. I’m not attracted to him (even beyond his physical issues) because he is spineless and has no life because he is spineless.
Thank you for recognizing that even in our dating lives, we are sometimes programmed to believe that boring is the best way to go because it’s… safe.
I appreciate you reaching out and will be taking a looksie at your site in a few moments.
Carmen