I went through this with Showtime, then Johnny Appleseed and a few other men who never made it to becoming a blog entry. They have too many kids!!!!!
Being a single parent myself makes this statement sound hypocritical at best and maybe even a little unreasonable, but to date someone who is doing is full-time is a task. Or how about this- dating a single parent that doesn’t have a support system or resources, is a task and most of the time, I just don’t want to deal with it. It sounds bad and of course, we all have a past that involved the procreation of children with someone, and no one can predict the outcome of a relationship or it’s future demise. Which means we didn’t all stop at ONE child once we saw the other parent was crazy, a loser, deadbeat, unstable or just an asshole.
The result is people finding themselves single again and trying to date with an average number of two children, or an eyebrow raising three and anything beyond acts more like a dating repellent for most people.
Let’s not forget the stakes are raised when you start getting into how many different mothers or fathers involved. Different situations, personalities and a varying set of circumstances called DRAMA.
Showtime wasn’t so bad, but his four children drained him emotionally, financially and I’m pretty sure mentally. Johnny’s first trio of kids are 17 and older, but his second set out of six are young, dependent and he’s with them all of the time. Johnny may have been doable since finances seemed stable but he hadn’t learned nor was he willing to juggle life with children and women. In fact, he hadn’t had a date or any kind of adult-only activity in so long that I had to sound the buzzer as he tried to recall how long it had been. So now we have Daddy Day Care.
Believe it or not, I’m trying to work with some of these men through their situations or baggage, but it really feels like I’m settling. Why? Because these men seem to be so serious (or maybe desperate) to settle down with me, looking for marriage and the white picket fence. Maybe it’s just my warped perception, but it seems as if the men with the most to run away FROM seem so sincere and willing to offer and do anything to draw me TO them. This latest one is no different and just like Johnny, has the gift of gab and is ready for something sustaining.
Daddy seemed like a decent enough guy in a difficult situation, who not only worked long hours but had a few side jobs as well (remember my point about finances?). Suffice to say that his long work hours, then straight to daycare to play daddy leaves no time for him, let alone a woman. These were his words, not mine and he readily admitted during our first conversation that women typically run once he reveals his situation. He even said he’s considered lying about how many he actually had. I felt a little sorry for him because even though I only have one child, a semi-functional father and an amazing support system, there are men who refuse to date women with children.
I was considering how to “work with a brother” and even asked him what was his dating plan. Long silence meant he had no clue and had never really thought about HOW to date, unless each outing was at Chuck E Cheese. Seriously, everyone (parent or not) should have a dating plan. From the time you’re able to allocate to budgeting to child care to logistics. You need a plan and he didn’t and planned on winging it.
Well….. Daddy didn’t make the cut; in fact, he didn’t even get a chance to meet me because he failed after his futile attempts at securing childcare for the two of his four who live with him. Once we had the “Where’s the other parent” discussion I learned that his situation was pretty rough. The mother of these two is uh- how can I say this? Let’s just say she would be great for the sequel to the movie “Losing Isaiah”. She’s the type who might call when there’s a full moon and the Power Ball is over $400 million, asking to spend time with their children. Talk about a winner.
But guess what? The moon and lottery aligned somehow and in the eleventh hour on a Tuesday night, he suddenly became available for Wednesday night. One days notice, in the middle of the week? Really, is that my only option? So I tried to counter with ANY other night since I already had a meeting that day and judging from this conversation, you can see that answer:
The tone got a little shitty here as he snapped back a reply to my Friday night suggestion. I thought about it and knew right then, he needed to know this was a dead situation. But just to be sure that this wasn’t overreacting or being inconsiderate, I asked two good friends who were involved with men dealing with the same situation and was told “Hell no”, “Run”, “Don’t settle, that’s too much” and even “He’s looking for a mommy, not a woman”. Not that the input of these ladies and gent made my decision for me, it certainly supported it.
AND. ….here’s how it went down:
Yep,that’s a wrap with Daddy Daycare and do you know he sent a text a few days later saying how he lucked up and the kids are gone two days in a row. Was that one of those “you’re missing out” snubs?
Psssh, who cares. There’s an explicit reason for his singleness and it is NOT be choice, but by design. Of his situation.
Until there’s a cure…
Carmen Jones
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Whew chil’! I’ve always been selfish with the whole I got kids thing for three reasons you’ve mentioned – time, finances and baby mamas.
Now that I’m 40+ many guys have grown kids, so that eliminates many of the obvious hesitation. I don’t blame you for being weary of the likely stains to pop up when dating a father of more than one. Someone’s gonna get the short end of stick, that simply wouldn’t set well with me either.
So you feel my pain! Once you get into the three plus range with children it really makes dating a challenge. As if we don’t already have a lot to deal with, then having to factor in offspring and the wallet killer factor?
Perhaps I should be looking at the 50 year old blank shooters!
Oh Carmen. I totally get this post! Can’t tell you how many times it happened to me! But the trippy thing is when the reverse happened to me. This guy I met online a couple of years ago and I were spending LOTS of time together. Daily, in fact. For nearly 90 days. We hadn’t done to do or even kissed on the mouth in that time. (Imagine that). He decided to stop seeing me to actually date a woman with 5 kids under 16. HUNH?! He said that she was more appealing to him than I was, because having children made her more womanly. HUNH?! Forreal?! MY only baggage is student loans and you dump me for someone with 5 kids?! His other explanation was that he felt like she needed him. Wow. Fast forward TWO WEEKS and he called me, asking for another chance. Said that he was being stupid and wanted to make sure that he really wanted to be with me before making a commitment. Naw playa…what REALLY happened?! Turns out that within a two week period he had already spent $4k on her and the kids and while “she had the best sex skills ever”, she gave him an STD. OH! And NOW you want good ole SAFE LT?! Naw Playa. Kick rocks. We can’t make this stuff up! Until there’s a cure… Oh wait! Ise Married Now!!! LOL! 🙂
Okay Elle, to have someone choose a woman with a tribe over you with no real baggage had to have been a kick to the gut. I mean damn! When I hear about someone having that many kids, I’m wondering how many different mothers come with the territory? Way too much and why in the world dod he feel the need to give you all of thr details.
Funny you mention the needing statement, I call it the Captain Save a Ho mentality. This is where men profess the desire to be with a woman who can hold her own, is employed and pretty much has it together BUT in reality, he needs the woman that BREEDS him. These men fall for the woman who always seems to be having a hard times with rent, a light bill, car note or some sneakers for their kid. It never fails!
Obviously, once he figured his funds were being depleted like an EBT card in the hood he came to his senses. Or maybe it was his burning penis that was the deal breaker.
Congrats to you on snagging your title and role as a Mrs.! Too little, too late sucker!
Don’t feel bad. I have two children and they’re almost out the door and off to college, so I sure as hell don’t want to be around anyone else’s. I don’t get it if you have young kids why you don’t have a sitter?
One is too many! I can’t date men with children, period and know I’ve eliminated more than half of the men my age but oh well!! The last guy I was involved with was the closest thing to perfect there is so I went against my instincts and tried to work out the kid situation. I don’t know if he had daddy issues or what but he made it seem like being without them was a sin. He wanted the kids to go every where with us even though the mother was more than willing to keep them. The shit was confusing to me because most singles parenting are always complaining they can’t find anyone to watch their kids like your guy above. In all honesty, the kids were not that bad but it was just different having to get used to being around a little people, chosing different outings to accomodate them, being careful about touching and kissing in front of them and all that. It is very difficult being with someone being in love with that person and then having to come second and I knew this was the case going im, but tried because I wanted him that much. Call it selfishness or whatever but I just prefer not to have to deal with it, and so after about six month and dealing with his issues, the kids issues and baby mamas I was done! He had two and that was one too many, so don’t feel bad.
Sincerely, sorry to hear about your situation but at least you tried and you’re right- daddy issues might explain a lot. I had a recent interaction that I’ll have to post here, but insecurities and unresolved issues have a lot to do with parenting. Even further, a few girlfriends of mine are going through the instant step-mom nightmare and vowed if they had to do it again, they would run for the hills!
As I always say, we have enough shit to deal with in relationships so who needs yet another worry!
Sincerely,
I’m curious if you were up front with your ex before you guys started dating? I really feel if both people just lay it on the line how they handle (or don’t) dating with children, that might help. Like Carmen asked DDC what his dating plan was, I see no harm in that and by doing so she learned real quick that he didn’t have one. Now if he had come back with “Sundays are my only days” that might still have induced some serious eye rolling because she only has one day but it could be something more than a blue moon. Sticky situation indeed so we either need to deal with it or wait until the kids are college bound.
Gail,
I’m always open about my likes/dislikes/preferences/dreams up front. It’s funny how the men who talk about their parenting situations already KNOW most women aren’t feeling a bunch of crumb snatched. That is, unless the women themselves have a few little Ray Ray’s as well.
The dating plan is crucial! Most things can be worked out even with the ass t reluctant of people. DDC didn’t have a clue and he was planning on doing the exact same thing he’d been doing with past women- winging it.
This guy even had the gall a day later to text me “I even ended up being kid free the whole weekend” Really? Im missing out now because a miracle happened? Nah, no thanks.
Ditto! Women with kids are an instant buzz kill, especially if they are always around. Im like where’s the father, older sibling something!
Well James, this is something both men and women can agree on. I think dating someone with them isn’t an absolute deal breaker by any means, but it’s what he/she can do with them when adult time is needed that makes a difference.