When Your Past Comes Calling

I ran across a little blurb that said “If your past calls, don’t answer because it rarely has anything new to say”, and wouldn’t you know that in about 10 minutes,  I had received a random text from one hangover and a missed call from another.

The moons and the stars must have been in perfect alignment because there is no desire to deal with either Good on Paper or Out of Sight yet for some reason, my responses were a little inconsistent with the two.

Out of Sight had been told many months ago that trying to be “friends” was just stupid.  I don’t even like him as a person any longer and told him it was no hard feelings.  But the man that placed me in such a vulnerable position because of his narcissistic ways didn’t deserve my friendship, so I wished him well.

Now my handling of Good on Paper? Like night and day.

Good on Paper is definitely a hangover but he’s a bit of an anomaly.   There may have been extended periods of no contact but we never had any real dust ups that would have caused either of us to cut off communication completely.  Things with him just came to a head when I finally got to the point of no longer needing him to satisfy my late night cravings and if you’re looking for a little background, you can go here and here.

You know how it goes when things just get old after a while, so it was time to move on and once he realized his random flirts were being ignored, he kind of drifted away.

Until his latest contact which was nothing more than a simple “how have you been” which is code for him testing the waters.  My response was pretty dry until he responds again and the dialogue went as follows:

GOP:  “It’s that time again”.

ME:  “Time for what?”

GOP: “Time for us to meet and deal with us”

ME:  “Ah…. No dear, I don’t think so. I’m pretty far beyond the random booty sessions.”

GOP:  “Me too.  We need to have lunch and talk.”

Yep, that was how it went and now I have two confessions:

Confession # 1 – in the 7 years we have dealing with each other, about 99.5% of the conversations we have had (yes, even the deep discussions) have always been AFTER some pretty awesome sex.

It starts with us making a plan for a meet up, something comes up where neither of us can make it and we end up settling on him stopping by.  I think he’s incredibly sexy with that former ball player physique so the chemistry is great and the sexing is almost inevitable.

Confession # 2 –  He has always and I mean ALWAYS been one of the most easy-going guys I have ever dealt with but at the same time, has always been one of those men not easily read or able to figure out.

At this point in my life, there’s really no interest to even try to understand what his angle is when we reconnect and to be quite honest, there is no need.  We’ve had maybe one or TWO conversations about “is it just sex” but nothing ever happens to move beyond.  So fuck buddies it is.

Here is the truth – Back tracking to any man from the past is like re-reasing your favorite book.  You already know what the ending is going to be so why bother.

There is no “us” to talk about but what the hell, I decided to call his bluff and accept a dinner invite for Friday night.

I LIKE A MAN THAT TAKES CONTROL.

All I had to do was show up.  Good on Paper chose the restaurant, made sure cocktails were on the way, greeted me at the door, and welcomed me with one of the tightest, longest, boob smashing hugs I had felt in a while.

Interestingly enough, there was a momentary flutter in my stomach as I stared up at him and thinking damn – this man is still sexy as hell.

We enjoyed a delicious dinner (my dish was his recommendation), conversation flowed perfectly and there weren’t any indications of any ulterior motives.  It was like old friends catching up until he bluntly asks “So how is your love life?”

Uh… okay.  That came out of nowhere and I was truthful when telling him it was nonexistent, but when he acts like my single status was hard to believe, it was my turn to ask questions.

“What’s going on with you and why is he reaching out this time?”

He tells me how he always wants to reach out and connect but is afraid of me being involved with someone and would rather avoid hearing that.  Okay, fair enough but it’s what he said afterwards that really clued me in which was plain and simple – he’s lonely.

I’ve known that over the past few years GOP been steadily climbing the career ladder and that’s something I really admire about him.  His good looks only add to his smarts  (both books and streets) and his drive to be successful.

Not to mention his dedication to his family but he’s just a really good guy, hence the pseudonym chosen for him.  But with all of that, he says he’s tired of being alone.

He starts telling me about the high power people hes surrounded by and realizing his demanding career and time with his children make it hard for him to get serious with someone.  Sure, he can probably have his pick of women but explained he actually longed for that relationship to go home to at the end of a long trip.

He’s looking for companionship and Duncan honestly say I have NEVER heard him speak this way in all the years of knowing him.   So while it was wonderful hearing him open up and talk about things I too am looking for,  none of what he was saying was directed towards me.

I’m hearing it but there were no words that would be inclusive of me.

THAT WAS IT.

It would be an understatement if I simply said I had a nice time.  I had a great time and while I had no expectations of anything other than a Friday night outing, I left feeling some kind of way.

Not upset, just confused.

WHY do we do this to ourselves?

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones