Rule #1 of having a friend with benefits – don’t catch feelings.
Rule #2 of having a friend with benefits – don’t catch feelings.
If only there was a manual for how to successfully carry on with this type of thing. Too bad I never thought to read 10 Simple Rules to Maintaining a Successful Sex Buddy Relationship.
Here’s my deal.
In an effort to minimize my slut factor throughout the years, I have kept the company of two male “companions” whose sole purpose in my life was to dick me down. No drama, no dating, no regular telephone calls and no questioning of each other’s dealings or actions in anyway.
Each of these men held their positions for extended periods of time (one beginning in 2007, the other dating back to 1998) which is good in theory because we became used to each other and knew exactly how to satisfy one another.
One of these “companions” by the name of Good on Paper started off as just the cut buddy. At some, I allowed him to try and be more when he thought he wanted more than just sex. Against my better judgment in spite of my gut saying no, I didn’t all object when he began breaking each of the rules that make this type of situation successful.
HE caught feelings.
GOP started calling more often, sending me those daily “good morning beautiful” messages that most women are suckers for, trying to make plans for things outside of the bedroom and more – basically, trying to court me.
I was completely open to the idea but there’s just one thing about certain men who think they know what they want but aren’t sure if that’s what they want. They will always fuck it up in the end which is exactly what GOP did. He fell off slowly with one thing here and something else there until he eventually did the unthinkable – planned a date and nevershowed up.
Needless to say, none of that went over well and quickly, I nipped any further interactions in the bud. My tolerance from the kind of bullshit that men can dish out is pretty low and I quickly became so frustrated with his inconsistent behavior that I no longer wanted to deal with him on any level – not even for sex and the way he put it down (see my top ten ever) you know I had to be pretty pissed.
We should have left well enough alone because we had been carrying on for years with the “I’ll be home shortly, bring the condoms” kind of situationship and had pretty much pissed all of our good vibes away in a matter of weeks. The dynamics had been changed from how they began – no, ruined and my stubborn as was never able to get beyond and his place had been fully secured in the hangovers wall of shame.
So now there’s the second “companion”, Papi.
If you go back and read through the moments I’ve shared with this man, you can easily see that we have been consistently inconsistent. We have taken the phrase on again/off again to the extreme and any gaps in us communicating and getting together were never due to any bad vibes, issues or any arguments. It’s as simple as one person falling off or being too busy and we each just went on with our lives until one of us resurfaced and re-ignited the flame.
We have remained friends with the benefits of not having to deal with all of the extras that come between men and women. It has worked for so many years and now something has happened.
WE caught feelings.
My last post was really about me having to admit to something that the alpha in me doesn’t want to do – that I had somehow lost my bearings and wasn’t handling the more consistent dealings with Papi very well. The fact that I actually told him is even more confusing for me and the fact that he responded made that whirlwind effect of thoughts and emotions even worse.
“We can discuss that… I’m in crazy production mode right now, but we’ll get some clarity. Emotions aren’t mutually exclusive to you.”
I wasn’t completely sure what he was trying to say here, so the pessimistic side took it as being something bad. Very bad but when realizing I wasn’t too confident in the meaning of mutually exclusive I went to look up the meaning which quite honestly, only added to the confusion.
As a woman, you know we can take the same message that was delivered to a man and dissect, inspect and interpret a million different ways. Seeing this in a text message as opposed to having talked about it makes this analysis paralysis even worse. So what do we do? We take a couple of screenshots and then enlist the support of a friend or two (or three) asking them to try figuring out what is being said because of course, this is sooooooo much better than talking to the man directly, right?
Two of my girlfriends took it the wrong way and were trying to soothe my bruised feelings, encouraging me to just accept that he’s saying he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings and keep it moving. Fortunately, a third friend interpreted it another way suggested I just pump my brakes and discuss it further which is exactly what I did.
Let’s fast forward a couple of days…
We’re laying in my bed hot and sweaty, trying to gather our bearings from an intense session and I commented how refreshing that was and referred to him as Mr. Mutually Exclusive.
I asked him clarify what the hell that meant and he says “What I was saying in my message is that you’re not the only one with emotions. I’m in the same position and what’s so bad is that it isn’t MY first time being here trying to figure out what, if anything to do about it.”
Well I’ll be damned. I’m not the only one who’s been holding out, but now I feel like a soap opera cliffhanger. What now???
Until there’s a cure…
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I see two problems here: you kept this guy around too long even if not always “on” and it’s just that good. If you’ve been involved as long as you say you have it was only a matter of time before this happened. You have a pulse and bleed so it’s completely natural. What’s next is a good question and this might sound selfish but oh well, you gotta look out for you and not him.
Rose, I’ve thought about the time frame as well. Like I said before, the change in the frequency is what helped me get to this point; I don’t know what his excuse is.
We shall see…
Thanks for popping in!
Tricky situation and it sounds like you both have some more talking to do. I think you already know that no matter what the outcome, things will be different. I like the article too, I should have used those rules for my own buddy.
Oh the rules, the damn rules! They’re great and for anyone looking for this kind of situation or even not looking and just fall into one, follow the damn rules!!!!!
Tricky indeed but I’ll just have to see how things play out. Hope things work out with your guy.
You’re amazing Carmen because I don’t think I have it in me to keep trying. Having someone like this isn’t necessarily settling because you made the choice going into it. This Papi fellow is nothing more than a welcomed distraction that became a little bit of a distraction for you I’m a way you hadn’t expected. That’s a part of life- dealing with the unexpected. It’s how you handle this from here that determines things.
Silver, Silver yes- I’m still trying. I have months that pass where I say fuck it, I can’t.
But then I’ll come back to it and try again, hoping the tides have changed.
Until there’s a cure, right?