It’s been a loooooong time coming, but finally my time has come around again. After the last conversation Papi and I had, we both resolved that the feelings we had (albeit confusing) needed to be dealt with.
“After so many years, how could we not have some strong emotions” he said somewhat emphatically. He’s so right and after quite a few years, I’m finally on the same page with a man.
We both realized it was worth a shot trying something that was beyond the sex. We spent a lot of time talking about what our ideal companion looked like and conceded that we were likely looking right at it- in one another.
It’s amazing how I rarely will take a leap of faith without any second guessing and with him, I’m doing just that. In fact, he wasn’t out the door more than five minutes before I went online and canceled my dating account. Now here I am thinking of what’s to come and while only time will tell if there’s anything here, if we’ll revert back to cut buddies only or worse, nothing at all.
I might be getting closer.
But wait…..
There’s just one thing- this isn’t exactly what’s going on with us since my last update because in reality, not a fucking thing has transpired after our little chat. Not a word, conversation, text and I do mean nothing, nada, zilch.
Let me tell you what did happen.
Papi said what he had to say, I said what I had to say. I asked him why he never ever said anything to me about his current “state of confused emotions” and most importantly, why he never ever mentioned anything to me about how he’s felt in the past.
He said he figured it was just best to keep it to himself and not rock the boat, which is how we’ve been able to carry on like this for so long. He just kept feelings to himself and since I never gave any green lights that said “Go”, he figured he would stay in his lane.
Blank stare.
I probably stood there glaring at him in disbelief before finally responding “What the hell? You never gave me any signals or indication that you wanted anything but the red light so how would I have known?”
I wanted to know why he never asked if I was involved with someone whenever we struck up another round and after all of these years, why hadn’t he mentioned that he was even remotely interested. He said he didn’t want to hear about my involvement with another man and I told him to a woman this translates into you not giving a shit about anything else.
I told him I wasn’t a mind reader and that if he was interested, he should have just said what he needed to say and deal with it. This went on and on for a few rounds and eventually he starts laughing and tells me “Damn Carmen, you sound just like a man with some of the things you’re saying to me”.
This isn’t the first time I’ve been told something like this which further proves that my innate ways of saying or doing the types of ridiculous things most men are guilty of doing are right on the mark.
Papi recognized this and it made me wonder if he’s used to being the one on the other side of the fence. We realized we weren’t getting anywhere and besides, it was already late at night so we bid our farewells and he was out the door which takes me back to the beginning of this post – the fact that nothing in the last two and a half weeks has transpired since that night.
We kind of left the “state of confused emotions” hanging for the past two and a half weeks but the art of practicing avoidance isn’t one of my strong points.
I would much rather face things head on and deal with the outcome, whether it’s to my satisfaction or not and although we had a quick session last week, I haven’t said anything else and neither has he. A few months ago I made the comment about knowing why I was single and not understanding what his deal was, someone who was seemingly such a great catch.
Yet after a few discussions about his interaction with different people such a particular co-worker and more importantly, his ex-wife, one thing jumped out at me.
His style of communication which was in his own words, not always received very well adding that he had been told many times that he came off as being condescending and not giving two shits about much of anything.
Okay, perhaps avoidance of issues is just how he rolls but that is so different from me. I would much rather hear something standard of these kinds of men like “I’m just not in a position to offer you anything more” than nothing at all.
If there’s anyone out there willing to explain to me how things should work from here with this sexual relationship while we’re trying to ignore the elephant in the room, I’m all ears but my inner instinct is telling me exactly what should happen from here.
I need to resolve that I’ve arrived at that time in my life where I need to stop allowing this man to be my eternal back up plan.
That’s what he has always been because any time I’ve been in between relationships and the dating prospects haven’t been too serious, he has been there ready to provide and fulfill my needs but it’s never been for anything more than just sex.
There’s no specific explanation I can provide for why it took me this long to catch feelings. 18 years.
I can only guess that it was my turning 40 and having one of the most definitive ideas of what I’m looking for in a man. Or maybe I can guess again that it was due to my lack of involvement with any real distractions (men). Hell, I can even guess that once our intimate interactions took a turn, we began to explore each other’s boundaries a lot more, things got really intense and intense the hormones became confused with emotions.
Whichever the case, it’s not something that fits into any logical place for me and I would be lying if I said we could just carry on like usual is a possibility. I think it’s just time to move on and this time – it needs to be for good.
It makes me wonder if I should have said anything to him at all.
Until there’s a cure…
Carmen Jones
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