Stay Away From This Guy

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The short version of my recent meet up:

He messaged me, I responded.  He responded, then I responded and we exchanged numbers and he then texted to me and I responded and he said let’s get together later, and I said okay to a meet up at Starbucks which I hate for meet ups, we meet and he looks different (older) and I know I don’t like him, so we chat for a while, he’s asking questions like I’m interviewing for a job, he gets comfortable and starts dropping F bombs, then he gets really comfortable and asks how old does he look and says he’s really 49 and not 40, and I think I rolled my eyes when he said he puts “whatever” on profiles since no one reads them anyway, then he says he arranges meet ups right away to avoid wasting time, then he tells me online dating is a fluke and he’s there because a friend got lucky with a beautiful woman, now I know I REALLY don’t like him and start getting restless because I’m ready to go, so he suggests we get drinks and chill, and I say “Cool, which restaurant are we going to”, then he says he meant get drinks and just “chill” at his place, and then I said no thanks to his fabulous offer of Netflix and chill, so he seems surprised I said no even though he says he has a really nice place, then I said let’s wrap it up and he offers to be my new real estate agent, so I said no thanks and he said let’s hang again soon as I’m closing my car door ready to drive back home.

This kind of guy is the worst – he’s a lazy dater hoping for instant gratification and along with a quick hook up.

For him, it’s a numbers game. He’s only looking to score as many women as he can, quickly so the online dating scene is the perfect playground for these types of men. Having been on the dating scene for so long, I should know better than anything than to deal with them.

Yet in the moments where I wonder if my hard-nosed approach to so many situations with dating, I’m sometimes willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt.  Then end up regretting it, just like I did with the guy I met tonight.  He’s not online to date but to meet any woman he can squeeze into his schedule until he has enough in his collection to start weeding them out.

The signs were all there that he was just looking for a quickie, in every meaning of the word.

Recognizing the lazy dater

The lazy dater makes himself pretty easy to identify by how his profile is set up or his messages.  If he’s sharing just tidbits in his profile in the “About Me” section, has one too many “Just ask” responses or the number of photos posted are scarce, this is your guy.

You’ll be able to recognize this type because he’s either going to shoot you one or two basic “How are you”, “Nice photos” or “How was your day” kind of messages then quickly offer up his number or ask for yours.

Worse, there are the types who won’t even try the dialogue and will be pimping their digits in the first message along with how much he “Would love to get to know you”.

In my case, his profile was fairly decent and didn’t have any glaring indicators, but once we got to the messaging and signs of his laziness surfaced is when I should have followed my usual discretions and kept it pushing.

Why you shouldn’t exchange numbers too soon

The tricky part about online dating is how much messaging is enough before two people should exchange numbers and of course, there are always two different extremes.

You have the guy who will message you every day with the same boring stuff and you’ll either get bored with him or turned off, then there’s the one who is a little too eager or just plain lazy.  I think it’s safe to say that three or four messages should be good before getting each other’s numbers and these should include a few questions to gauge each other’s level of interest.

I’ve had far too many instances where I should have taken more time to learn a few tidbits about someone, so I wouldn’t be regretting each time they tried to text or call me.

Here’s the deal with the lazy dater and swapping numbers too soon – his motives are often pretty shady.  If he’s in a hurry to call you he’s either doing his last tour of duty because he’s probably already has a potential in mind and needs a back-up or, is trying to collect as many prospects as possible before shutting down his account.

Either way, if he isn’t taking the time to show you that he’s actually interested in getting to know you with a few messages, this means he’s not willing to invest anything in you and more than likely will end up being a  total waste of time.

Why it’s good to have a few conversations before meeting

How does he talk?  Is he way too hood or whitewashed?  Is he able to articulate well?  Do I like the sound of his voice?  Does he prefer dressing up or is he a velour suit kind of guy?  Is this normally how he prefers to meet and does he have a limited time-frame?

Call them Ice Breakers or whatever, but some kind of dialogue before meeting is always a good thing because otherwise it may end up turning into an inquisition of sorts.

Besides that, you’re clueless on what he likes and even if you were detailed with your profile on what turns you on, the lazy dater wouldn’t have read that shit anyway, so you’re just clueless all the way around.

When I was on my way to meet this hangover, he sends me a text message asking that I send him a couple more photos because the ones he had were blurry.

The issue I had with this is applies to any man asking for photos and if you don’t believe me, go ahead and do a Google search on “guys asking for pictures” and you’ll see what I mean.  I replied that I was already going against the grain meeting up without having talked and told him it was a no for photos.

The bigger issue with this text is that Mr. Player clearly had me confused with someone else because I NEVER sent him any (blurry) photos in the first place.

I didn’t call him out on this but you better believe it was noted and this is yet another reason why it’s good to have a few conversations before agreeing to meet someone, because little slip ups like this always come out no matter how smooth the lazy dater may think he is.

Why you should avoid rushed requests to meet

If you haven’t had time to gauge his interest level and any inkling of compatibility by messaging, and you haven’t had a couple of conversations to see if his words match up with what he may have written then you’re only setting yourself up for failure.

The same reasons I shared above on why you should be leery of the guy who’s in a hurry to bypass the getting-to-know-you type questions and on to the telephone are some of the same reasons to be cautious of someone taking the term “spontaneous” to extreme levels.

What’s the big rush?  Is he leaving the country, wife returning from vacation or he’s slowly dying?

Instead of me questioning any of this, I guess my thought process was “you’re not doing anything else later on, so why the hell not”.

Another part of me accepted those instances where I followed all of the steps by spending enough time messaging and making sure a meeting was set within a week of our telephone conversations and we see how well those rules have worked for me.

Again, I didn’t give X-Man’s hastiness any further thought until I started thinking back to that “send me more photos” text and realized I was getting ready to meet someone that I wasn’t even excited about meeting.

How could I be excited when all there was to go on was his online profile and a few decent photos?

What you get when you don’t pay attention to any of the above

If you think a lazy dater is someone you should take a chance on, it’s quite possible that you’ll end up meeting someone at a Starbucks in a location that is a little too urban and crowded for your liking.  But he probably wouldn’t know this because you never had any conversations about any likes and dislikes.

If you’re willing to take a chance with a lazy dater, you may yourself sitting across from the table of someone who’s really a foul-mouthed, cocky know-it-all instead of the quiet I/T geek he presented himself to be.  But you wouldn’t have any clue of how his personality could switch up like this because your conversations didn’t extend beyond one “I’m running late, see you in a bit” telephone call.

If you agree to a quick meet up with a lazy dater who likely didn’t give two shits about what you wrote in your profile, you may find yourself turning up your nose when he asks you to “grab some drinks at his house and just chill”.

But again, he probably isn’t going to know this is a turn off for you because you never had any talks about how you weren’t looking for a new fuck boy.

Initially, I looked at this encounter as a sign of growth for having stepped outside of my barrier of rules but then realized if something doesn’t make sense, then it just doesn’t make sense.

Men who don’t take the time to ask any questions or show that he’s even remotely interested in seeing if the two of you have anything in common is your chance to politely decline any further communication and keep it moving.

Lesson learned – if a man seems really eager to meet right away this doesn’t necessarily mean he thinks you’re the catch of the day and can’t wait to see you, but it can mean that he’s lazy as hell and is treating online dating like a round of speed dating or more like speed fucking.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones